Possible Ra - Flashback?

[chant2012]

If any of my RA survivor friends could help me out I would appreciate it. Love and light to you all.

All day I keep getting blips (of what I'll describe below) and I feel like I'm shocked, being pulled out and away somehow. Just not sure what I experienced. I just know I have triggers on RA dates but no memories. But lately, since 5-1-16 (BAD date for some reason) I keep getting blips of like seeing a room with people in strange suits (maybe?) and like blocks made out of glass in a pattern and doors that slide automatically. Maybe a spaceship? But I don't know why I think that. It doesn't look like a spaceship (because I'm not looking at the outside of it). There were also maybe like lights and buttons and screens and I don't know. Ugh.

I think I made it up. Like I maladaptive daydream about 95% of the time. I don't even know I am doing it. I daydream about really weird and bad things.

Lots of other weird things happen too like programming types of things going off inside my head and body on bad dates. Dates Oct - Dec are not good at all. But this year 5-1-16 was soooo bad. Horrible. For hours there was scrambling of my thoughts, words, feelings, etc., lots of internal noise, screaming and confusion, lots of dissociation and body pain and commands and impulses and scary bad feelings like I gotta run and hide or just run away to get away not safe it feels. Feels like the DARKEST oppression coming and I feel suffocated and omg....

Sorry. Thanks. Have good night/day.

What should I do? Can anyone relate?

 

[Friday]

Hola Chant. :) No idea what RA is? Rape & Assault? Riots & Assault? Ransom & Abduction? Rape & Abduction? Sorry. If you've said elsewhere I haven't caught it. And no need to sweat trigger warnings, we don't do them on this site <grin> There are really excellent posts as to why here & here if you're curious, so I won't repeat what's said better elsewhere.

As to the rest... Yeah. Anniversaries suck big time when I'm doing badly. When I'm doing well, part of managing my symptoms usually means I'm taking steps to not be so gutted by them, but when I'm doing badly they just kick my feet out from underneath me. Massive symptom smack down.

About the spaceship... Were you a child during your trauma(s)? Wild stab in the dark...Was a space ship a happy place you could disassociate to? Or that's also a common term / imaginative play doctors and nurses use to make medical procedures like MRIs & CTs less scary. Again, no idea if medical care was part of your history. Just tossing out some thoughts.

 

[sun seeker]

No idea what RA is?

I read it as ritual abuse.

And because I know something about ritual abuse, I'm sorry but I can't in good conscience answer the question. It you were abused in that way you likely have layers of programming in place to keep you from remembering... or from remembering and still being all right. Prompting memories you're not ready for, if you don't have skilled backup, would be a really bad idea as you might end up a lot more triggered than you are already. You need a skilled trauma therapist with some understanding of what this stuff is about, to help you pace yourself and stay safe. Do you have one?

 

[chant2012]

Hola Chant. :) No idea what RA is? Rape & Assault? Riots & Assault? Ransom & Abduction? Rape & Abdu...

I'm sorry. RA is Ritual Abuse.

http://ra-info.org/faqs/

Thanks for the support. Means a lot to me. And no, the spaceship is not a place I went to I don't think. Yes traumas from small age until I was 21

 

[chant2012]

I read it as ritual abuse.

And because I know something about ritual abuse, I'm sorry but I can't i...

I do not have a therapist at all. I had one who I really liked but it came to a point where I didn't feel she was helping me anymore. I'm just really confused. Because I really do NOT think I was RA (ritually abused). But I DO know I was RA (religiously abused and spiritually) from birth until I was 21 and was abused in many other ways on the side and all at once possible torture types of abuse games. But I don't know. This is just so irritating.... Thanks for your input. Have emailed 3 traumas T's. We shall see.

 

[Dissociated1]

I keep getting blips of like seeing a room with people in strange suits (maybe?) and like blocks made out of glass in a pattern and doors that slide automatically.

The first thing that comes to my mind is doctors and a hospital operating room. I had a horrible flashback about having my tonsils removed when I was 7. I can close my eyes and vividly remember laying on the operating room table in my gown counting backwards from 10, the pungent smell of the "ether" the triangle shaped mask they made me breath through and the pungent smell of the "ether" anesthesia they used in the 60's.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

I'm sorry you are going through this Chant2012.

I find it helpful to hear you say that you don't believe you were RA, but you know you were. I relate to this. Not necessarily RA, but belief and knowledge being out of sync.

There was a time when the details were consuming me. I was focused on the details and making sense of them. But my mind worked way to hard on it and just confused me more than ever. But I did this for years. And the result was more than I could handle and I just shut everything off, and denied everything. But my life was a mess... anxiety, depression, spaced out, etc. All the while I convinced myself that I was fine. I even thought I was doing better than everyone else around me.

This isn't the place for my stuff, sorry. Just wanted to say I relate to believing and not believing at the same time, and the difficulty that creates. I think that sometimes the details aren't so important as just coming to terms with the main things. Like resolving that split between not believing, yet still knowing.

By believing what I know, more healing can happen than ever could by understanding other details.

Love and light to you, too.

 

[chant2012]

I'm sorry you are going through this Chant2012.

I find it helpful to hear you say that you do...

Thank you very much. I know you're right. It means a lot. Support to you. Hugs if okay.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

Thank you very much. I know you're right. It means a lot. Support to you. Hugs if okay.

Hugs are okay. Thank you.