Medical Post-heart Attack Emotional Fallout

[hodge]

So my husband is recovering very well from his heart attack just days ago -- physically. Emotionally, it's a different story. He feels kind of in limbo, like he really should be dead. I mean, he says that that morning he truly thought he was going to die and had accepted it. He says it is so strange to have accepted that you are going to die and then you don't. All he was worried about was me and his kids. He didn't even feel fear for himself. He says what he feels now is something like survivor's guilt, but not quite that. He can't concentrate, can't read more than a couple of pages of a book at a time, and he's always been a voracious reader. Music doesn't sound very good to him, and music is like his religion. That's how he has always described it. He has no real interest in anything and seems to be about as restless as I usually am.

A friend did warn me about how common depression is after a heart attack. I know it's only been a few days, but I'm already feeling really, really disturbed by what he's going through emotionally. This morning I asked him if he's thought of contacting a good friend of ours, the priest who counseled him during our pre-marriage break-up and later performed our wedding ceremony, but he says he only wants to talk to me and two of his best friends, though he might talk to him if this persists. I don't hope it persists, but wish he would because I don't know how to help him. Could he have post-traumatic stress? Or am I just projecting?

I've begun looking for a good heart attack survivors support group online. He's not likely to join, but I might get more support in terms of this particular issue. Another option I'm thinking of is contacting my therapist for an appt. She won't be in town again till next Wednesday. If I need to I know I can email her by Monday and either get an appointment with her next week or at least a phone call.

He just took off a little bit ago to attend a funeral for someone who was important to him when he was growing up. I don't know how he'll be when he gets back. I'm hoping it might snap something positive for him, but it might also go the other way.

 

[hodge]

I just emailed my therapist.

 

[Friday]

IME... These are generally good / normal / wanted things to be happening after a big event. PTSD symptoms are not just normal immediately following trauma, but very much wanted. Big thing happens, heart & mind process it, resolution happens, & move on. Processing in situ.

That process getting arrested? Because there's no time to process? Or it's a way of life, etc.? That's when things tend to haunt. Even for people without PTSD.

If I'm remembering right, this article talks a bit about that, but it's a good read regardless
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/traumatic-resilience-avoiding-ptsd.83668/

 

[hodge]

Thank you for the link, Friday. I just read it and will return to it again. And probably again.

When my husband was a young adult he was hospitalized for depression. He says he outgrew it and indeed he's shown no sign of depression or any other mental health issues since I've known him. He had a pretty rough upbringing, too, in spite of his parents' awesomely great personalities, because his mom had MS, which of course created a lot of challenges, emotional and physical. By the time I met her she had come to peace with it. She was like the mother I never had and a truly great friend.

I guess we're in the processing stage. It's just damn hard.

 

[RussH]

Anytime a person faces an event that could of easily ended their life, be it a medical emergency or a trauma situation, it can bring about depression. I was in a serious accident in 1989, and remember well lying in the hospital bed crying because of the depression. It does affect your ability to concentrate, but the good news is, it can be a short-lived depression. I do hope so for you an your husband's sake.

 

[hodge]

I dearly hope so, too, Russ. He's very sensitive, but also a pretty strong person emotionally, so I'm praying that innate stamina will help him through.

Thank you so much for sharing a bit about your experience and your insights.

 

[scout86]

I've had a couple of friends who had heart attacks as well as some relatives. His reaction isn't real uncommon. (Doesn't mean it's not worth paying attention to!) At least some of the time, dealing with the emotional fallout gets mentioned during the rehab process. Something that a couple heart attack survivors have expressed to me is the feeling like their body let them down. And then the fear that it might happen again. It's a little like feeling your heart has turned into a ticking time bomb. It takes awhile to rebuild faith in your body.

I think YOU are going to help him through too!

 

[hodge]

Thank you, Scout. I am here and doing the best I can. There's just no way I can truly, intricately relate to what he's going through and that bothers me. I think one reason I can be empathetic to a lot of people is that I've been through so much, but I've never been through this. I almost died when I was 16, but I didn't accept it and fought it every step of the way, so I really don't know what he's been through emotionally in that intimate way that we need to truly understand what someone else is going through. All I can do is listen and hug him. Many times a day. And, yeah, help with the practical stuff like foods and meds. But it is so frustrating to not be able to truly understand what he's going through emotionally. I just want to cry.

 

[ladee]

Then go ahead and cry @hodge, you almost lost your husband. You are probably having some delayed reactions and emotions your self !! What keeps going thru my mind, is, if someone accepts their fate, and then lives anyway.. I think for me some of the depression would be disappointment...
I don't mean that your hubby wanted to die... but was ready if it happened... and here he is now... being left to deal with all the life changes you and he will have to do.... I know you will help him thru this.... you know him better than anyone.. and the fact he is willing to talk with old friends and you... that's a good thing... he isn't shutting anyone out... just love him and hug him for us and tell him we are so grateful he is still with you !!!! Sending prayers for both of you...

 

[hodge]

Thank you, Ladee. I am crying now. Your message totally touched me.

You are right. He didn't want to die, but he made his peace with it. He was really expecting it. I don't detect any disappointment in him, just this troubling wonderment that he's still alive and feels like he shouldn't be. And, in fact, if this had happened 30 or 40 years ago, he probably wouldn't still be alive. But it didn't. It happened now, with all the miraculous stuff medical science can do now for heart attacks. Thank God!

I will tell him and hug him for you. Right now he's watching L&O: SVU, but I felt this episode might trigger me, which is why I'm not with him right now.

Thank you so much for your message and your prayers.

 

[The Albatross]

What he was expecting or not is kinda irrelevant hodge, you've spoken quite a bit about it what he means to you. You're kinda avoiding that, but that needs to be spoken about somewhere too ya know?

It's all intellectual til it isn't. Surely you're gonna go through your own process about this too. Glad you messaged your shrink.

 

[hodge]

Alba, I'm not clear on what you think I'm avoiding or need to write about and also to talk about with my therapist. I appreciate your comment, but honestly can use all the clear help I can get.

As to what my husband was expecting, I have to respectfully disagree. It seems to me that the fact that he had accepted death and then did not die has had an enormous emotional impact on him. We were just talking about all this again. Thankfully, he has fundamental good emotional and mental health and he feels he will get through this before too long. It's all having quite an impact on me as well, hence contacting my therapist. It's almost been like another traumatic incident.

Anyway, I would really appreciate if you could clarify what you think I'm avoiding. Thanks.