Post-Traumatic Amnesia

[Ted :)]

I have no reason to speak about this other than it’s on my mind. I have C-PTSD and forgot completely. I’m diagnosed - have been diagnosed for years - and have been in therapy from ages 8-18.

Earlier this year I went to the doctor for what I didn’t realise was a huge nervous breakdown. The GP who saw me could tell I wasn’t physically sick and was going through crisis. I explained that I had C-PTSD amongst other things and after she looked through my notes she asked me if I ever tried just forgetting everything that happened. I never considered purposely trying to forget. I was suffering from a lot of post-traumatic amnesia anyway. I couldn’t remember a lot of what happened and it would come back to me occasionally during flashbacks but it was always muddy in the back of my mind.

She said that I was clearly resistant to treatment because of my extensive history so I thought I’d give it a shot. I actually did forget! And my mental health has improved amazingly since forgetting about everything that happened. I’ve never had quality of life like this before. I’m genuinely the happiest I’ve ever been and I’m endlessly grateful that her words have given me the courage to stop being a victim and take control of my life.

I saw my brother on the bus yesterday and it clearly set off every single trauma response I could possibly have. I’ve been having flashbacks, freezing up out of nowhere, dissociating, talking to myself, loss of identity, low mood, regressing to a childlike thought, anger, racing thoughts, crying, anxiety, feelings of guilt and being unsafe.

I don’t understand why I’m having such a huge response to him because I’m very sure that whatever I went through with him wasn’t even anywhere near the worst of the trauma I went through.

I don’t have any direction with this post. I just wanted somewhere to share how I feel. I feel isolated in my trauma and I want to express how I feel but I also feel a large amount of shame about having CPTSD. Especially since I have now detached myself from the label. I hope someone else can understand and maybe feel less alone.

 

[vwx]

Hi there. You are not alone.
You got an advice from a doctor that seems to have worked well for you. Until it did not. Until you met your brother. Then you had such a strong and debilitating reaction that does not seem to make sense to you.
It seems to me that while you found something very helpful in your doctors advice and has achieved many good, important things following it, that it was not a cure for all. Which makes sense to me. It sounds like you could benefit from some extra support at this time. Perhaps schedule a meeting with a therapist to talk about what you are experiencing at this time, and see how you two can improve your wellbeing? Warm wishes.

 

[arfie]

i was raised with the expectation that i could, should and would forget every trauma that happened in life. "forgive and forget" was the family mantra. who needs to forgive what you can forget? the ferocity with which my 10 sibs can hold a grudge make me believe no one in the family has really accomplished the forgiveness half of that folk wisdom. i achieved adulthood with full trauma-induced amnesia. luckily, i didn't have your gp. my shrinks saw it as a HUGE problem and started nagging me from the get-go. it took another 8 years of scenes such as you describe with your brother for me to begin to understand why they kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing.

the meanest lies in the world are the ones i tell myself. i hadn't really forgotten. i had only repressed. repression never pays. just ask the communists. in my own case, working through the memories and the emotions attached was far more efficient than surviving the flashbacks, et al.

but that is me and every case is unique.
steadying support while you find what works for you.

 

[Freddyt]

Before I ever realized I had CPTSD I was attacking nurses in my sleep. No memories of trauma itself but nurses near my bed when I was waking - attack mode activated.
It never came to me until recently that in the hospital after trauma the nurses used to wake me by grabbing my big toe before they came near. No idea if I was violent towards them even then.

So yeah - things and places and smells all activate memories even if we have no idea it's a trauma memory.....

 

[KayW]

I think your GP is wrong to suggest that you should forget or that you are resistant to therapy. As a teenager I refused to go to therapy because I was consistently told that everything about me (particularly my fears and emotions) was wrong, and I viewed the suggestion of therapy as part of that judgement of me.

As an adult PTSD symptoms took over after yet another trauma and I broke down in front of my GP, but she didn't tell me I was a mess and should sort myself out, she asked me what I thought would help me. Putting me in control of those choices made a difference to how I saw therapy.

I do also go into denial and have stopped therapy in the past because I've believed I'm fine and don't need it. That part of me is usually triggered when I need to be extra functional. But in that state, I don't let anyone get close to me, I work too hard and don't keep friends or jobs for too long because people start to trigger me.

I'm only just beginning to understand that this is a part that rejects the traumatised parts like they were rejected when young.The problem with this is that when triggered, the traumatised parts respond and become childlike and submissive or hyper alert and defensive.

Avoidance eventually restricts life so much that it hurts. It also prevents healing.

 

[Teal]

I think your GP is wrong to suggest that you should forget or that you are resistant to therapy. As a teenager I refused to go to therapy because I was consistently told that everything about me (particularly my fears and emotions) was wrong, and I viewed the suggestion of therapy as part of that judgement of me.

As an adult PTSD symptoms took over after yet another trauma and I broke down in front of my GP, but she didn't tell me I was a mess and should sort myself out, she asked me what I thought would help me. Putting me in control of those choices made a difference to how I saw therapy.

I do also go into denial and have stopped therapy in the past because I've believed I'm fine and don't need it. That part of me is usually triggered when I need to be extra functional. But in that state, I don't let anyone get close to me, I work too hard and don't keep friends or jobs for too long because people start to trigger me.

I'm only just beginning to understand that this is a part that rejects the traumatised parts like they were rejected when young.The problem with this is that when triggered, the traumatised parts respond and become childlike and submissive or hyper alert and defensive.

Avoidance eventually restricts life so much that it hurts. It also prevents healing.

Thank you to you and everyone else who commented on this post.

I think forgetting allowed me to see a version of myself that can be temporarily unbothered or stronger than my trauma. I was so deeply obsessed with everything that happened and I didn’t have an identity outside of the person who was hurt.

I didn’t realise or think to myself about how this approach isn’t viable long-term.

It has definitely allowed me to break out of victim mentality, though, which was holding me back greatly.
Maybe now I need to identify what the new overriding factor is that is holding me back and then explore how to overcome it.

I think you all might be right, though.

Repression is not the answer forever… I wish it was because how easy would that be! Onwards and upwards.

 

[KayW]

I think forgetting allowed me to see a version of myself that can be temporarily unbothered or stronger than my trauma

This is a good point and a reminder for me to be more compassionate.

When I'm beating myself up for going into denial, my therapist tries to remind me that this part helped me when I needed it.

 

[_-yeah_nah-_]

I have no reason to speak about this other than it’s on my mind. I have C-PTSD and forgot completely. I’m diagnosed - have been diagnosed for years - and have been in therapy from ages 8-18.

Earlier this year I went to the doctor for what I didn’t realise was a huge nervous breakdown. The GP who saw me could tell I wasn’t physically sick and was going through crisis. I explained that I had C-PTSD amongst other things and after she looked through my notes she asked me if I ever tried just forgetting everything that happened. I never considered purposely trying to forget. I was suffering from a lot of post-traumatic amnesia anyway. I couldn’t remember a lot of what happened and it would come back to me occasionally during flashbacks but it was always muddy in the back of my mind.

She said that I was clearly resistant to treatment because of my extensive history so I thought I’d give it a shot. I actually did forget! And my mental health has improved amazingly since forgetting about everything that happened. I’ve never had quality of life like this before. I’m genuinely the happiest I’ve ever been and I’m endlessly grateful that her words have given me the courage to stop being a victim and take control of my life.

I saw my brother on the bus yesterday and it clearly set off every single trauma response I could possibly have. I’ve been having flashbacks, freezing up out of nowhere, dissociating, talking to myself, loss of identity, low mood, regressing to a childlike thought, anger, racing thoughts, crying, anxiety, feelings of guilt and being unsafe.

I don’t understand why I’m having such a huge response to him because I’m very sure that whatever I went through with him wasn’t even anywhere near the worst of the trauma I went through.

I don’t have any direction with this post. I just wanted somewhere to share how I feel. I feel isolated in my trauma and I want to express how I feel but I also feel a large amount of shame about having CPTSD. Especially since I have now detached myself from the label. I hope someone else can understand and maybe feel less alone.

I feel for you, I Unfortunately understand and can relate I too got PTSD Amnesia. Not by choice, I think and from my health professionals can say. It was something I clearly could not process. So out of survival the mind wipes the memory.
Amazing thing the brain.
Unfortunately for me it took a whole lot of other things with it. At first the most basic level was I couldn't speak, that kind of level.
Obviously this is optional, If you want know more check out my profile there is a link to my back story there.
The moderator gods dont let me post the link In other posts but thats another brain teaser..

Anyway as you start to come back more the more things you remember you start seeing the holes in what you can't and what your body will and won't let you remember. The problem with this trick is Random things can shake you up and cause a threat to your brains plan to keep it from you. Which brings us to triggers, your brother is obviously very much apart of your memories both good and bad. But the brain doesn't care about if they are good or bad, your brother is a reminder that you are deliberately blocking something out and could jeopardise its plan. Which is why they generally want us to face the trauma.
Now I'm not saying you should face your traumas, that's not right coming from someone that can't deal with their own. But I guess it comes down to if you are happy to burry it. And if thats really the plan and you want to keep it there. Lean in to it, concrete it fuk down. Also work out your triggers, do your brain a favour. It's trying to protect you
Knowing what your triggers are and making the appropriate actions to handle them with a plan etc the can be life changing you are taking back control yes, there will be limitations cause really that's what these triggers are. They are your brains limits on the lie it's telling itself, to survive.
I'm not sure why you feel ashamed for having cPTSD you didn't choose this. This is Unfortunately just a fuked up thing that happened to you. The hard part is accepting that and living with it. But things will/can get better as you learn how to survive and what works for you, it's really a matter of if you if you want to deal with all the pain to get there. You're not alone.

All the best

 

[beansj]

i got amnesia from ketamine therapy last year. the doctors ghosted me and stopped responding. a new shrink told me it was "emergence delirium" which is sedation 101 and was surprised no one told me. he told me to have friends watch over me but i have none, so he promised to call every couple days to check in on me. he never did. unfortunately i didnt forget anything useful, just what red lights were and what coffee was - i went from 2 pots a day to 0 coffee for 3 days before opening my fridge and having an existential crisis trying to figure out what the pot was that was sitting in the most important front and center position. no mouth watering, nothing. figured it out after about 5 minutes of staring. scary times. no help at all. i like to remember my trauma though because it teaches me what to watch out for. look how well that's worked out for me...