Practical Non-judgement

[Sandstone]

While vacuuming, I caught the flex around a drawer knob, restricting the area I could reach. I immediately addressed myself "Stupid cow"

Recognising this is the wrong approach, I asked myself the standard question: would I react this way to another person? The honest answer is, yes, I would. I wouldn't say it, because that is neither kind nor socially acceptable, but I would certainly think it. There is no excuse for doing things badly when it is possible to do them correctly.

I'm sure there will people who want to tell me how unpleasant that makes me, and that I shouldn't be so judgemental, but that is just the problem. How, in an applied way, do I change it? In the past, when I had a social life, I used to be supportive and giving to others, while still judging my failures. I know where the attitude comes from, but understanding doesn't seem enough to make that practical change.

 

[Hope69]

HI Sandstone, that a good question. I'm not sure if this is helpful to you, but I notice the feeling under the reaction, whether its a constriction in the chest or flash of irritation, and I just gently hold that space knowing that I didn't choose the raction (it happens so quickly) but I can respond to that irritated part of myself with acceptance.

 

[Justmehere]

While vacuuming, I caught the flex around a drawer knob, restricting the area I could reach.

This is a pretty good non-judgmental observation right there. If you feel that urge to judge yourself for this, you could add something like "that was a mistake" - this is my go-to comment about myself to try to keep myself from being more self judgmental.

This might seem like a terrible question, but it's a real one: what do you gain by judging yourself?

Figuring out why you judge yourself - what is the positive feedback loop that keeps you stuck, might help you replace it with the less judgmental statement.

For example, I get really harsh on myself when I'm late. I have learned to tell myself, "I'm stressed because I'm late, but it's ok, I'm able to handle whatever happens." This addresses why being late is something I feel temped to judge myself for. My judgment is really like this twisted attempt to manage stress and find control and someone to blame for common events.

Balancing every judgement with a positive or even neutral statement will begin to help. Things like "I'm perfectly imperfect" are things I don't much beleive, but just trying to think of a positive self affirmation helps me feel better. For a ton of ideas on generic self affirmations just google "self affirmations."

Another option: if you would judge another person for this, try imagining what you would say to a small child.

One thing I'm trying to do to change my own attitude about people lately is to start off every interaction by trying to identify for myself 3 positive things about a person. Trauma taught me humans are awful and I just realized recently I focus way too much on the negative myself. My therapist gave me this homework and somehow starting off by thinking of 3 positive things about a person helps insulate me from sliding as far into judging them. She actually suggested just finding one, but for me, that's easy. 3 is a challenge where I really have to think about it.

I have a friend in recovery from a different mental health issue that whenever I get hard on myself, she tells me to think of 3 positive things about myself and then she will think of 3 positive things about herself and we share them.

I thought this was a totally goofy idea, but it does actually help shift the negative self judgment a little.

 

[Sandstone]

respond to that irritated part of myself with acceptance.

Interesting. It seems to be a mental response, rather than a physical one. Very occasionally there is an urge to lash out physically against myself, but generally not.

I'm not sure about responding with acceptance. I don't want to say that something is OK when it isn't. I used to think that judgement was the correct way to respond, but now I simply add more layers of criticism, blame and rage to the initial response as I recognise that is wrong.

 

[Sandstone]

what do you gain by judging yourself?

Most of all, I think it feels balanced. It feels like the way the world is. I know that comes from childhood, and I know most of the beliefs from childhood are wrong, but they still feel like the truth. I suppose this is the nub of the issue. I'm asking how to change what feels right for what is right.

if you would judge another person for this, try imagining what you would say to a small child.

I think if a child was old enough to vacuum, they'd be old enough to do it right. I'd remind them to look at what the flex was doing as well as the machine. Concentrate. Focus. I'd be grateful to them for doing it, and express that, because praising children is right.

 

[Justmehere]

If the beliefs from childhood feel right, then it might help to approach them in a re-parenting kind of way.

I think if a child was old enough to vacuum, they'd be old enough to do it right. I'd remind them to look at what the flex was doing as well as the machine. Concentrate. Focus. I'd be grateful to them for doing it, and express that, because praising children is right.

This would be an excellent thing to do! Try applying this to you. Not because you are a child, but because you never got what a child should get and you may still need it to develop the ability to not judge yourself so harshly.

 

[ladee]

I really like @Justmehere's answer. That is what I do. Reparent myself. I tell myself the things I needed to hear, not what I heard as a child.
It felt forced and fake at first. But that didn't stop me from continuing to do it.
It started to feel real and believable and accptance and self forgiveness was the surprised outcome.
We may not ever change that core belief but it has been awesome to have that back up voice telling me different.
Hope this helps.

 

[Gs172003]

While vacuuming, I caught the flex around a drawer knob, restricting the area I could reach. I immedi...

Why was that such a big deal to you? It wasn't like you broke anything or it stopped what you were doing. It was a temporary thing that temporarily slowed you down. You are way too hard on yourself.

 

[Justmehere]

You are way too hard on yourself.

Knowing this and actually doing something different are two different things for some sufferers - myself included.

 

[ladee]

No one on this planet can be as hard on me as I can. Still a work in progress.

 

[Gs172003]

I know. I'm the same way. It's waaaaay easier to deal with in other people than myself.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Sandstone I think that when we suffer abuse at the hands of others, we internalize the as abuse=bad so for someone to abuse us, we must be bad. At least that was my take on it for yrs. Through therapy I learned that I wasn't a bad person and I didn't deserve the abuse. It was a process to stop calling myself names when I would do something, like drop a bowl, or spill a glass of whatever. At first I would call myself every name in the book and really give it to myself. Now, not so much, although sometimes I do slip up.

Change is hard, but it begins with really KNOWING that you are not a bad person, and retraining the verbal critic that we all seem to have. So, for me instead of really lambasting myself if I do something, I just say, "really Wen, really????" I clean up the mess and let it go.