Practical Non-judgement

[Sandstone]

I think you are right @ladee and @Justmehere that I need to do some reparenting. I'm particularly challenged by the idea of praising or thanking myself, because of the depth of my belief that only the bad needs to be mentioned - the good is simply to be expected and does not merit comment.

I feel incredibly uncomfortable when I imagine telling myself "Well done, thank you for doing that" for something basic, even though achieving even the basics is a big thing nowadays. However, I suspect that digging for the source of that discomfort would be less productive than just getting on and living with it.

Change is hard, but it begins with really KNOWING that you are not a bad person

That sequence sounds unachievable to me. How did you work it? I can, perhaps, imagine acting differently, but not believing differently.

 

[ladee]

I can't speak for @She Cat , Because the knowing came after a lot of work tearing down the old beliefs.
There are still times the old 'you are bad and wrong' noise starts.
It will be when I am pushing myself too hard and am tired. My body remembers how I felt trying too hard to be good enough. Its not a set back. I have come to understand it is simply my body telling me to rest. Stop being so hard on myself.
I didn't believe it when I started. But I believe it now.
As a matter of fact, I am giving myself a 'me' day today as I am so very tired right now.
I hope you find a way @Sandstone . it takes time and energy. But we are already taking time and energy living the lie.
Sending gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Sandstone]

Hugs are actually beyond me, but I gratefully accept the care implied.

 

[shimmerz]

because of the depth of my belief that only the bad needs to be mentioned - the good is simply to be expected and does not merit comment.

I have a friend whose husband has similar beliefs. He is wrecking havoc with the children, who are now young adults. They have no sense of self worth what.so.ever.

Constantly being corrected seems to me to be a form of extreme imbalance. Children (young ones), need encouragement. They are such literal beings. If they hear or are shown how they 'didn't do that right', or 'they should have done that better', and there is no balancing, then of course they are going to drive themselves using self hatred and criticism.

Are you a perfectionist by any chance? ;-) I think I may already know the answer to that one.

 

[Sandstone]

He is wrecking havoc with the children,

Yes, I see someone close to me do that to his children, and it is so sad.

Am I a perfectionist? I don't think I am, wholly. I happily recognise that some things are worth doing badly - dancing, rowing a boat - because they add to life. I suppose the very fact that I need to articulate that indicates that generally I hold myself to high standards.

 

[shimmerz]

I happily recognise that some things are worth doing badly - dancing, rowing a boat - because they add to life.

So perhaps maybe vacuuming with a little creativity thrown in could be worth a chuckle or two as well?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Sandstone I don't know your history nor do I know what trauma you have suffered. But if you suffered trauma at the hand of another, if someone did something to you to cause you to have PTSD, then unless you begged for your abuse, or 100% caused it to happen, Then you are not at fault. You would be blameless, therefore not a bad person as far as how your trauma occured.

Somehow, somewhere someway, those of us that suffered at the hands of an abuser.... We need to find a way to place the blame where it needs to lay, with the ABUSER, and NOT WITH US!!!!!!! I know that getting there is a process, but that process does start with us. Develope a daily mantra that you are a good person. Start repeating that the abuser is at blame. Do whatever it takes to START that process, and then work on tearing your trauma apart, because that's one of the other piece of the puzzle.... There are a few more pieces, but in the end they all do fit, and you can achieve a better life....

 

[Friday]

Smaller pieces?

Stupid Cow >>> Stupid Thing (@ drawer knob or @ vacuum ... Still familiar negative thought redirected at the object instead of the person) >>> Stupid thing. I've got this. (Blend of negative thought & positive thought) >>> I've got this. (Positive thought) >> I've got this. No worries. (Positive thought + confidence in abilities).