Practicing Avoidance In Therapy

[Chitoshi]

Okay so,

I want to get better. I really do. But I'm basically terrified of everything I could talk about in therapy. I end up discussing safer emotions like when I'm frustrated or angry about something, or when I'm sad, or when I'm happy, disgusted, etc. I can "sit" with those emotions just fine, and have done so successfully and even have been comfortable sitting with them.

Fear, terror, anxiety, I can't cope "sitting" with those emotions because to me they're the opposite of comfortable (obviously?), and I'm a total terror-driven machine when it comes to the "what-if" scenarios and the unknowns. I "can't" talk about them (my perception) because if I don't talk it's not real, it's not there. I don't have to deal with it because there's nothing that I need to deal with.

I've been avoiding in therapy and I'm a master at changing the subject without the other person knowing until we're off on like 4+ subjects away from where we were. I know I'm supposed to be steering the conversations in therapy, but I can't do it, and I feel like I've been wasting my time and my T's time.

So the other day I asked if I could talk about some of my automatic thoughts in my session last week and my T jumped all over it and said "Are you ready to get to work?" I've been focused on that phrase the whole week now and I feel so worthless and that maybe he meant "finally" get to work, and I know I'm twisting it but I can't help it.

I'm lost and I'm not sure how to steer the conversation anymore because all I want to do is hide in a hole and bury everything and make it go away. I have a lot going on right now and I can't mentally "afford" to work on this because I don't want my life to be put on pause, but I'm not coping. I had a breakdown today about a freaking video game that ended up deleted on my computer. Talk about totally not a big deal.

I don't know. I wrote a letter to my T and I see him on Thursday, but I'm so anxious about what he'll say, and I have interviews on Friday and I don't want to have an attack on Thursday because I have to drive three hours to stay at the hotel to to the interviews Friday morning, then drive back on Friday three hours to get home because I can't afford more than one night at a hotel.

I'm not sure where my question is. I'm so frustrated with myself about therapy right now and I feel like I can't get ahead of the obstacles I think I'm placing in front of myself because I'm too scared to deal with it.

Looking for support and suggestions, I guess. I'm not in a state to take criticism right now.

 

[Deleted member 39333]

I went into therapy because I became desperate to stop or at least control the 5+ flashbacks I was having per day. I did not want to be there, I did not (and do not) want to talk about the things that happened to me. The second question my therapist asked me on the first visit was what my flashbacks were about, and he was surprised when I said that I needed to pass on that. He let me do it though, and even suggested that we let it ride until the next week. Every week he asks me what I want to talk about, and I always have to say that I don't know. He will then give me several options of things that he things would benefit me to talk about or work on, and I can pick. This approach really works for me because it takes off a lot of the stress. Sometimes, too, I think about something during the week that is really bothering me, and I sort of work myself up to tell him when I get there. He knows that too, which is why he asks first thing what I want to do. If I want to get something over with and just spill it, I can start within the first 60 seconds of the session before I lose my nerve. This is working for me. I put it out here in case it sounds like an approach that may work for you.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Fear, terror, Anxiety, I can't cope "sitting" with those emotions because to me they're the opposite of comfortable (obviously?), and I'm a total terror-driven machine when it comes to the "what-if" scenarios and the unknowns. I "can't" talk about them (my perception) because if I don't talk it's not real, it's not there. I don't have to deal with it because there's nothing that I need to deal with.

Can you touch on one of those emotions for a few seconds and then back away again? Can you talk about it for 2 or 3 minutes and then change the subject to find a comfortable place again?

It's called pendulation...you go into something difficult and painful very briefly, and then back away again right away. Next time, try to hold it just a touch longer. You don't have to tackle the whole thing all at one time.

My T described it as...say you're kayaking down a river. And you know a waterfall is coming around the bend. But there's a beach just before the bend. So ride the rapids just far enough, and then pull off at the beach before you tumble down the waterfall. Then start experimenting. How close can you get to the waterfall without going over?

 

[Deleted member 39333]

I agree with @DogwoodTree . That is also something my therapist will do. I will start talking about something really hard and he will tell me that I need to stop and take a break, and he will just ask me conversational questions for a bit, then ask me if I am ready to go on. He does this in part because of my tendency to talk myself into a flashback, but it would work for anxiety as well. It does help to get those breaks. It makes things less intense. He is also careful to make sure that I stop talking about hard things about 10 minutes before the session ends so that he has time to get me in a better place before I leave.

 

[Chitoshi]

Thanks for your suggestions everyone. The day has come that I bring my note to my therapist. Wish me luck!!

 

[Arebas]

Good luck!!!! You can do this!

 

[Deleted member 39333]

Let us know how it goes!

 

[Chitoshi]

Okay, so I brought my note to my therapist and he told me I could write novels someday because of how well I write, haha. In my note I told him that I was worried because I can't "sit" with my fear. I said a lot of other things too but my arms hurt so I can't type up a really long response.

We talked a lot today about automatic thoughts, core beliefs, CBT, etc, and he said because of how I overanalyze thoughts and situations I tend to get stuck so maybe CBT isn't the best course of action for me. So we're going to try a new appraoch. He said he was happy I brought it up to him, and I feel a whole lot better about the whole thing. He also gave me permission to interrupt him if I feel I'm having a hard time with what we're dealing with and we'll move the subject as needed... I feel like I've taken a step back because for heaven's sake I've been in therapy for a year and we were going nowhere because I was keeping us stuck in place, but he says we've gotten closer to identifying how we can work together to get me through this, and that I've made strides and that this was a big step forward. Who knows? We're going to be working on identifying body reactions next week and getting coping strategies for body reactions down before we move forward. One step at a time, he says, but I feel like I'm going forward inch by slow inch instead of taking a regular stride.

 

[I_will_recover]

Okay, so I brought my note to my therapist...

I'm proud of you. A good therapist is willing to listen to concerns and make changes where need. Sounds like your T falls into the good therapist category.
Usually when I arrive I sit down and have a, "how's it going?" few minutes. And sometimes I tell my T, "You have to lead and ask questions today."

 

[Freedomfighter]

Okay so,

I want to get better. I really do. But I'm basically terrified of everything I could talk ab...

Well, I think avoidance can be rooted in many different directions. Avoidance because of undeserved shame, avoidance because of severe triggers and remembering assaults, avoidance at being embarrassed about seeking help.

I used to be terribly avoiding too and extremely angry, but now that I am on a healing path after six long years these traits are dissipating. It is strange how they just dissipated. I think patience is something the patient needs from a T but also very much from themselves.