Prayer And Forgiveness

[VioletButterfly]

I know this isn't my post, but I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing their ESH and perspectives! I've been to a few different types of 12 step meetings. The most impacting was Al Anon. I was fortunate enough to find a few very good meetings with a lot of recovery. Each meeting is different and I think it wise to try a few as each has its own character. Al Anon led me deeper into my faith and for that I'll be forever grateful, taught me to be responsible for myself, to keep my nose out of others' business, and about forgiveness.

My two cents - as far as that lady goes, well, I'd look for another sponsor. It sounds like you don't connect on fundamental levels that you will need in order to trust her in working the steps. I say this as I've seen a few attempted "conversions" in my time. I even had someone come after me, telling me I couldn't express my concept of my HP in a small group (I actually dared to say God or Christ) in speaking about my HP. Umm, I spoke to the leader and then ended up leaving the group. I am open and accepting of others and their right to believe as they wish, I expect the same. I also stepped in at a small meeting when a group of ladies were trying to explain to a newbie that she had just had a bad experience in church as a youngster and now needed to believe in God as her HP. That was surreal. Yeah, nope, rule number one - your HP is a god of your own understanding; be it a table, your cat, whatever holds intense meaning for you that you can believe in. I always remember what one of my buddies told me about not everyone being in the rooms as being healthy. We're all a work in progress, so please stay safe and keep that in mind.

As far as forgiveness goes, I see forgiveness as something I do for myself. I cannot carry that burden. Hate, fear, resentment have eaten me alive and driven me further into addiction. I have lost so much of my life in that space. Anger is hard to work through though - the injustice of it all made me very mad at the Universe and everyone involved. Like everything else I've tried to work through, though, I have had to take it in small bites. I also tend to run away and then run back, have selective amnesia, take it out on myself, rage at God, etc... It's a process, one day at a time. I will share though that when I could get up and ask God to forgive my abusers and pray to Him to help those people heal from what caused them to harm another, it did make me feel better. That's just me though and I need to feel close to my Father as I cannot walk through this alone. It truly has been a journey and I have far to go as is evidenced by several of my posts. I keep trying through, one day at a time.

I wish peace and light for you and for all of us recovering from all that has been done to us. VB

 

[Chava]

You can consider a different sponsor and still have the support of this person. I've thought a lot about how trauma covering intersects with the 12-step model because my drinking was so connected to my impossible feelings. The chance to feel connected to others, understood, was hugely healing since so much of my trauma results in major feelings of disconnection. I also think the inventory stuff is very good. I sure felt good about finding a way to pay back some stuff I stole. But sponsors are all different in approach. I'm totally not religious.

I tested my ex-sponsor with the smallest trauma I could remember and was freaked out by her handling of it....she just didn't really know. I didn't either, but I followed the instinct to not meddle there or share any more because I felt like I would crumble apart. For me, my part right now is taking care of myself best I can and doing therapy for some of this stuff. AA makes no promise to fix everything and does not care to (some people forget this). But seeking help through therapy could probably be considered part of "amends" to myself. Healing my "resentment" is really probably only about healing my trauma, not so much forgiving or further involving any perps. Mostly my traumas have made me hate myself deeply, so that's what I'm working on healing.

 

[meltot]

I agree with the lady in not wanting your perps to have control over your life any longer. Some of mine still have contact with me and my biggest "revenge" has been in knowing that they can see I no longer need them, and my recovery from drinking (and handling life better) came after I cut ties with them, because I cut ties with them. It's the biggest 'up-yours' on the planet—but it's my situation.

I think AA is great and has helped so many people, but I have met some folks through there who let the program fuel their self-loathing. Never let a sponsor or fellow member influence you with that. We know good and well that these addictions have medical components and medical approaches to treatment, and an individual who has been on every side of addiction due to PTSD coping is not "born that way" or has an alcoholic personality or spirit or character. Bill Wilson did a phenomenal favor to the world by introducing AA, but some of his writings are a product of the beliefs of that era and should be considered as such. Getting to be part of a community and working the steps are the two good things that I think have kept people sober. Myself, I met some great contacts and friends I keep up with through the few meetings I've gone to, but putting my life back together without drinking meant a tailored approach to recovery. I say all that to say—listen to your gut and your feelings on this one. You are the one working on your own life, and you yourself are the building project. You know better than anyone what is going to bring harm to you right now, and what is going to do the best for you.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I agree with @Chava (especially post #14) and @The Albatross insofar as the AA 12 Step arena.

It is important that a therapist is engaged for your trauma. Then an compatible sponsor is needed for your support in recovery from the substance abuse. Your sponsor hit a trigger for you...it happens. "Forgiveness" is often an therapy discussion for trauma victims and is a personal choice. For steppers, we are doing the amends for our drinking stunts and mess that went with it in Steps 8 & 9.

As she is a sponsor, consider asking her to not impose her Higher Power methods of praying upon you. In good consciousness, if she can not assist without enmeshing her theology over your journey then she needs to make prompt amends (not defend) and work on Step 11 and let this role go for a while.

No big deal, happens all the time where completed steppers-sponsors need to attend to their own recovery for a bit & work on steps again. After all, we are powerless over others.:hug:

[edited for this tag line...upon review of some posts...I thought it was best for honorable mention that I am also a Christian. And insofar as I understand 'twisted', cognitive distortion is nondiscriminatory.:clown:]