pressure cooker

[greymouse]

i think this is the post category where i most belong. for the past few years i have been living as a ghost never really going out or doing much at all because it's just unbearable, keeping a low profile online even. it caused a lot of tension in my last relationship. happiest day of my life so far was halloween 2024, went out with my then-partner and a bunch of old friends in costume and one of them looked at me and made a funny remark about my thousand yard stare. i was always self conscious about how my face looks but after that honestly i just accepted that my presence is like noticeably Off and stopped going out as much because i can't remember a time when i've gone out willingly and felt anything other than dread horror. i stopped drinking but i really only stopped drinking so i could stay home from outings, i broke my hand in a fit because i was so freaked out about upcoming unavoidable socialization

i just feel humiliated whenever i do anything and try to find ways to keep my sims social meter full enough that i don't have a crisis of need but i think i'd do well in an anchorhold. i have lost track of triggers because it feels like anything can set me off. i try to go outside for walks often because i know i do better when i move around and get sunshine and see trees but if i go to the store or anything i realize how inhuman i feel around other people. i used to live in a huge city and never felt more alone than i did when i lived there but now i live with my family in a suburb and keep to myself as much as possible because my fuse is so short and everything gets to me, it's just better to keep to myself. i cant talk about what happened

after my most recent and arguably most severe and lifechanging trauma i texted a lot with some very good friends but in the months since i have found myself feeling too "weird" to talk to them much at all anymore. it feels like i am a different person now and my comforts aren't comfortable anymore. there is one person in my life i've known for years and can honestly talk to about anything and i am so grateful for them but they moved really far away and i just can't talk to the new friends i've made, i'm embarrassed by myself now. like they don't know me well enough to have to deal with me

i remember when i did inpatient psychiatric care a few years ago i learned that i needed to be around people, so i got a job i could walk to, i used to feel good when i was working but i am so terrified to start work again because at my last job i was only there one day before (see intro post) and the aftermath was worse than the injury. i had so many crying meltdowns and couldn't handle being around anyone i didn't know, i was afraid of people i knew, i hated that anyone could see me. i lasted a week and then skipped town because it was so humiliating. i am afraid of starting a job and losing it, i am afraid of memories coming up and of breaking down. i know what kind of work i don't want at least. i have a childhood friend who works at an animal shelter. i think that is viable

 

[anthony]

Yep, I would agree that you are avoiding the world as much as possible. Working out for you about the same as it does for everyone - it doesn't go well.

This isn't about your trauma, this is about your negative thinking styles. You are thinking on behalf of others. Most of what you said is perceived thoughts. One comment about a thousand yard stare and you ran with that in many directions. The anger and short fuse I get, been there, done that, still have it sometimes.

You have to pull apart your thoughts and work on that. The world will keep going, with or without you, its just whether you want to continue to try and exist by yourself, OR, make yourself a little more available in the world.