Undiagnosed Pretty Lost

[dmeadz]

I found this forum after researching the idea that one is not responsible for how other people feel. My ex-girlfriend is a counselor and made the suggestion that I'm suffering from PTSD due to living in a home with constant yelling, anger, and chaos while growing up. What's so sad is that my hyper-vigilance and reactivity was "draining" according to her. She claims I'll never change and that she can't be with me. It's not my fault, she says, but she doesn't deserve to be treated the way I treat her.

I express myself very forcefully. I used to be a lot worse, but have taken many steps to control the type of symptoms she's seen (reactivity, anxiety, negativity, anger). I am actually a lot more in control of my emotions than say even 5 years ago. However, to her our 3 month relationship was the most "conflicted" she'd ever been in.

I have to go to sleep, if I can, so that I can get up for yoga in the morning. I'd love to write more, but I can't. I'm so very hurt right now. I'm not suicidal. Never really have been that way, other than a fleeting thought of how much I'd like all the pain I feel to go away. I respect and love life too much to throw it away. Plus, despite how much pain I feel and how much agony I know that my sense of humor and love of life has never really been completely destroyed by what I went through as a child. I also know that many have had much worse experiences.

Of course, when I'm in a moment and get triggered none of those things matter. If I react to someone in a bad way, I lose things. I lose jobs, friends, and special wonderful people. I'm tried of losing people to what I've been through. I'm tired of the same patterns happening over and over, with no clear notion of how to break the pattern and change. I'm really sick of hearing how awareness is the first step. I'm aware. I'm ready for step two, which in my view is taking massive action to alter the way I react to other people and to events.

I'd love to hear some advice. Of course, I probably need to be a lot more specific so that others could offer suggestions. The few threads I've read here have contained great information. I find that encouraging. Thanks to the admin for creating this site. I can tell already that it's helping people.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Hi Dmeadz,

The first step is always to seek a diagnosis from a qualified professional - a psychiatrist (preferably) or a psychologist. I'm afraid that your ex-girlfriend is not qualified to give you a diagnosis of PTSD or any other mental illness.

It is quite common for parenting/ family environments to have an effect on how we react to others. We learn behaviours from our environment, and if your parents yelled alot, you may subconsciously yell because that is the environment you were exposed to and you may feel that is the normal way to communicate. You may also yell, because with all the yelling going on, this was the only way you felt you could get heard as a child...there could be many reasons...but we do learn behaviours from our parents after all we were exposed to them the most in our lives.

We carry these things over to adulthood, and sometimes we make the choice to change our behaviours and I think that is a good thing. It sounds like you are working on these behaviours and you should be very proud of recognising a need to change and taking action.

Is it normal to be reactive and have anxiety? Well, yes it is very normal. We all have core beliefs (positive and negative) and if they are pushed, pulled or questioned, then we can react in an adverse way. Such as with anxiety or arguing or curling up with a tub of icecream. This is a normal fact of life and these processes are about the brain trying to work something out. But these reactions are not necessarily PTSD.

The thing you need to ask yourself every time you react is..... why do I react this way to certain things?....Look for patterns of emotions (when I feel threatened, when I am not heard, when people think I am stupid etc). These are indicators of your personal core beliefs. When you can recognise that these 'core belief buttons' are being pressed, then you can work on the cause of your reactions. Understanding, recognising and rationalising and making the decision to change, helps to manage unwanted behaviours.

However, these types of behaviours do not mean you have PTSD. PTSD is usually caused by a serious threat to life and living. The result is an inability to cope with life itself. That does not mean that those with PTSD are all suicidal (some are, some are not). It just means that the condition seriously impairs ones ability to cope. Pretty understandable when you know the invasiveness of flashbacks and disassociation, and how these symptoms affect even the everyday things.

I think you need to speak with a psychiatrist/ psychologist to seek a professional diagnosis. They can also help you by giving you the tools to change your behaviours for the better and reduce your anxiety. PTSD cannot be diagnosed by a councillor.

Cheers, PS

 

[Tinyflame]

PTSD is usually caused by a serious threat to life and living. The result is an inability to cope with life itself. That does not mean that those with PTSD are all suicidal (some are some are not). It just means that the condition seriously impairs ones ability to cope. Pretty understandable when you know the invasiveness of flashbacks and disassociation, and how these symptoms affect even the everyday things.

I think you need to speak with a psychiatrist/ psychologist to seek a professional diagnosis. They can also help you by giving you the tools to change your behaviours for the better and reduce your anxiety. PTSD cannot be diagnosed by a councillor.

Very well put.

 

[dmeadz]

Ok perhaps saying "suffering from PTSD" was grossly overstating what was mentioned to me. She suggested that my symptoms manifest like someone with PTSD. My upbringing was extremely volatile, with suicide threats(my father even went so far as to purchase a gun in a drunken episode...and no he didn't drink all that often), sexual molestation, drug and alcohol abuse (my brother and I), and absolutely no consistent punishment system.

My ex-girlfriend suggested that my reactions do not fit the situation all the time, and are PTSD-like in that I'm stuck in the past and unable to cope with present stresses. My coping mechanisms are not functional, regardless of the label one wants to place on a disorder. I am seeing a counselor and have an appointment with a psychologist to determine whether I have ADHD or Anxiety. My counselor has agreed with the notion that my situation has some elements of PTSD to it. I have seen psychologists in the past and have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder before. No mention was made of PTSD until a couple of months ago.

Now, that's not to say any of that is a diagnosis. I also do understand that most people here are dealing with some very real threats to life. I felt threatened as a child. My right to have a life free of conflict was stripped from me slowly over the first 10 years of my life. My life was robbed from me, one day at a time. Now when someone disagrees with me, I'm left with reactions that are inappropriate. I blow up all kinds of relationships.

To me, the label on the disfunction doesn't matter. To me, it's about being able to remain centered and choose a response to things and actions that serve me.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Hi Dmeadz,

Child molestation, psychological abuse and physically threatening environments can result in PTSD - there is no denying that fact. And, even if they don't result in PTSD, what you have been through absolutely breaks my heart! I would be angry and yell the heaven down too!

You don't need to down play your experiences, they are serious and you need to talk to a therapist and sympathetic ears (which we are). Many of us have had similar experiences to you and there is much knowledge and wisdom here to help you along your journey.

If I gave the impression that I was downplaying your experiences, I sincerely apologise. It was not my intention. Your experiences, and how they made/make you feel is very important.

GAD can result in angry outbursts, panic attacks and the general fight response. My hubby has GAD from his family life. And, yes me being exposed to his family caused me considerable damage on top of my own experiences. I know what GAD is, and it is really hard on him. He gets angry, defensive and lashes out at innocent people. So, if it is GAD, you won't find me downplaying that!

We make the point that self-diagnosis is not an option, because it REALLY is NOT an option. A diagnosis from a qualified professional (psychiatrist preferably) is the ONLY option, and I'm afraid your ex-girlfriend does not have the qualifications to diagnose you. Wait and see what your psychologist says, and don't be surprised to go through the motions of a number of possible diagnosis - its not an exacting science. A diagnosis is important for treatment, but not as important as getting qualified help.

Welcome to the forum and I hope you find much peace. PS xxoo