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- #13
...a few days ago this notion came to me that what I went through was really awful, and now I kind of can't believe that I put up with it. I want to be able to look at it like a normal memory, but I just keep getting the feeling that it was something really horrible that happened to me, and that I'm not a strong enough person to go on after having gone through something like this. This time it's a little bit different, though--no real anxiety attacks but definitely worry and hopelessness that I won't feel like myself again. A little bit of depression as well. However, I do have more hope this time, because I came out of it before and was able to function normally again, and I have a little bit of hope that I'll be able to again. I just hope it's soon that I start feeling like myself again.
When I think about the bullying that I did go through that year, the memories really don't seem to be that painful; but I think the whole experience might've affected me on a deeper level. Like, maybe I really was terrified of that guy. I tried looking up his name online the other day, and no photos came up, but even seeing his name kind of put me on edge a little bit. Today was my first day of the school year, so maybe I've just been worrying about that, what with having new teachers and being in a classroom environment and possibly having a teacher embarrass me, even though I am a good student and I really like school. I remember a year ago when I was having these problems before, it was about the time when school started, and I worried that I'd have a teacher like him again. The weird thing is that in the 8 years since it happened, I've never had a teacher even close to the kind of teacher he was. All my teachers have been really nice and would never think about belittling a student or making them feel threatened.
I'm just worried that with all the stressful schoolwork coming up that I won't be able to concentrate on it because I'll be scared or depressed about stuff that I'm not in any danger of. Like when I'm sitting in class listening to the teacher, or at home watching TV, if I'm worrying about other things then it's hard to give my full attention and be worried about the same little everyday things that normal people are worried about.
I guess what I really want to hear again is that I don't have ptsd, but I know that I'd have to have a psychologist tell me that.
It does seem to really calm me down though to read the forums on here.
When I think about the bullying that I did go through that year, the memories really don't seem to be that painful; but I think the whole experience might've affected me on a deeper level. Like, maybe I really was terrified of that guy. I tried looking up his name online the other day, and no photos came up, but even seeing his name kind of put me on edge a little bit. Today was my first day of the school year, so maybe I've just been worrying about that, what with having new teachers and being in a classroom environment and possibly having a teacher embarrass me, even though I am a good student and I really like school. I remember a year ago when I was having these problems before, it was about the time when school started, and I worried that I'd have a teacher like him again. The weird thing is that in the 8 years since it happened, I've never had a teacher even close to the kind of teacher he was. All my teachers have been really nice and would never think about belittling a student or making them feel threatened.
I'm just worried that with all the stressful schoolwork coming up that I won't be able to concentrate on it because I'll be scared or depressed about stuff that I'm not in any danger of. Like when I'm sitting in class listening to the teacher, or at home watching TV, if I'm worrying about other things then it's hard to give my full attention and be worried about the same little everyday things that normal people are worried about.
I guess what I really want to hear again is that I don't have ptsd, but I know that I'd have to have a psychologist tell me that.
It does seem to really calm me down though to read the forums on here.
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