Justmehere
Sponsor
Where are you at in holding the balance of facing a problem and solving it, fixing it, changing things... and problem acceptance, not condoning the problem but DBT-style "radical acceptance" of "it is what it is" and perhaps accepting what can not be changed.
I get praised by therapists and others, and have since I was a small child, for resourcefulness and problem solving skills. Therapists miss the struggle and dismiss my concern about not enough problem acceptance because they think I'm just being hard on myself when I say I think walking away sooner and saying less would have been better...
The thing is, I am terrible at accepting what I can't or shouldn't or don't need to change. Sometimes I have far better things to do. For me, it's not about fixing people, like friends, but systems and specific roles that mirror roles of abusers. I end up being terrible at walking away from issues at times. For me, it's very different than codependency, but for some, it could look like codependent behavior.
I don't like speaking up, taking action, etc, and sometimes it terrifies me. It's not comfortable, it's just slightly less terrifying thanhelplessness as helplessness is so intertwined with trauma for me. Strikes fear to my core to be helpless.
But I've been thinking a lot about how accepting a problem doesn't make me helpless. Somewhere along the way I adopted the very distorted idea that if I do nothing then I'm just letting myself be a victim -- when in reality, it's a way to still exercise my power and responsibility, sometimes far more effectively. I can clearly see this for others but I've had a massive blind spot for myself.
I know other trauma survivors are much more comfortable with problem acceptance and struggle with problem solving. Sometimes problem solving can mean speaking up assertively, which can also be deeply intertwined with trauma histories as well and trigger all kinds of anxiety on that end of the spectrum.
I don't want to lose the advocacy abilities, I want to save them for when I choose, not feel habitually compelled by fear to use them. I don't want to be helpless and never act to affect the world around me, but sit with the discomfort of what can't be changed with greater ease and less frustration. I want to be more flexible in my approaches.
How does this shake out for you? Do you error in one direction or the other? Have you found anything that helps with flexibility and balance in the two approaches?
I get praised by therapists and others, and have since I was a small child, for resourcefulness and problem solving skills. Therapists miss the struggle and dismiss my concern about not enough problem acceptance because they think I'm just being hard on myself when I say I think walking away sooner and saying less would have been better...
The thing is, I am terrible at accepting what I can't or shouldn't or don't need to change. Sometimes I have far better things to do. For me, it's not about fixing people, like friends, but systems and specific roles that mirror roles of abusers. I end up being terrible at walking away from issues at times. For me, it's very different than codependency, but for some, it could look like codependent behavior.
I don't like speaking up, taking action, etc, and sometimes it terrifies me. It's not comfortable, it's just slightly less terrifying thanhelplessness as helplessness is so intertwined with trauma for me. Strikes fear to my core to be helpless.
But I've been thinking a lot about how accepting a problem doesn't make me helpless. Somewhere along the way I adopted the very distorted idea that if I do nothing then I'm just letting myself be a victim -- when in reality, it's a way to still exercise my power and responsibility, sometimes far more effectively. I can clearly see this for others but I've had a massive blind spot for myself.
I know other trauma survivors are much more comfortable with problem acceptance and struggle with problem solving. Sometimes problem solving can mean speaking up assertively, which can also be deeply intertwined with trauma histories as well and trigger all kinds of anxiety on that end of the spectrum.
I don't want to lose the advocacy abilities, I want to save them for when I choose, not feel habitually compelled by fear to use them. I don't want to be helpless and never act to affect the world around me, but sit with the discomfort of what can't be changed with greater ease and less frustration. I want to be more flexible in my approaches.
How does this shake out for you? Do you error in one direction or the other? Have you found anything that helps with flexibility and balance in the two approaches?