Prolonged Exposure Therapy

[Breaker]

I have completed the CT therapy program it was 8 weeks and I did get some relief from the PTSD but more than that I got an education of how to think about things in a different light.

I am now in the PE therapy and it is much harder. I was flashing back in the CT therapy and for me that was the first time I had really flashed back. I have had the hyper vigilance and anxiety over situations and what not but he flashback is scary to deal with. The first one I had I could hear sounds just like I was back there and visions of being there started to come back. I stopped myself from going further into it and had a full blown panic attack. It feels like a heart attack it is very scary.

Now I am in PE and it is all about going back and reliving those memories. I find myself doing everything to avoid that. I am on my 4th session now and it is time to put up or shut up. I have some things that have not come back and I know they are there covered up. The pain is probably the worst and the long time before evac was a difficult time on top of the trauma. It really feels like too much and I appreciate Jar's help on this. You do feel like running out of the room. The memories are not just like memories but you are living it again and it seems worse that the first time. I was really looking for someone who had been through this therapy and can see the change over a long period of time. I have felt little bumps of change and good feelings only to have them washed away again by the PTSD life I have grown into. I have been out of the country for the last ten years and now being in the states I am finally forced after all these years to deal with the collection of experiences I have had and the "avoidance" therapy I have used which basically is just be in harms way is not working anymore. I am too old now to bury them in adrenaline. Anyone please that can comment on how this helped them over the long run. I am having a real hard time after these sessions and for now the cure feels worse than the disease.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Breaker

PE is tough, gotta' say that. But in time you're able to talk about the situations that you were in and not feel like you're going to have to run out of the room. Eventually you do get to a point where you can talk about many of the things that you experienced in a more calm way. Time is always the factor with therapy, you've just gotta' get though it. It does get better, I'm only speaking for myself of course. It helps you to develop a 'tool kit' as it were so that when anxiety, for instance, comes along you're able to get through it. It doesn't mean that you don't feel like you might have a panic attack but you can deal with it. It's always going to be a challenge, but over time it gets better.

 

[Christer]

This is my third attempt to post something on this thread, I think I will be able to get this out this time. To all of you that is going through this, did it already, or are about to ... I am praying for you.

When I did PE it was/is incredibly difficult. I still have to do it sometimes when my therapist thinks I need more (I'm currently doing CPT group sessions more now). The PE sessions generally are 90 minutes long, but if you have a hard-ass therapist like mine that doesn't have anyone to treat right after, she'll keep going after 90 minutes ... even when I'm begging to stop.

PE doesn't start right away, the therapist first has to assess what exactly the problems are and to determine what the traumatic event was. After the doc has a pretty good idea where the problems are you begin a few sessions to basically learn what PE is and watch a few videos, testimonials from other veterans etc etc.

My doc at Mental Health says PTSD is like when you have food poisoning. With food poisoning you will feel sick and yucky and you know you're going to throw up but don't want to. But after throwing up for a few hours, going through the awful wretches and dry heaving, afterwards you feel all of a sudden better.

PE is like throwing up the PTSD. You get so freakin' sick and can be sick for days after. This is what PE does, it makes you face the problem and see things that were hidden from yourself. It breaks you down so that you can be put back together in way that (supposedly) is going to function better.

I wanted to say a lot more here, I probably will later. I do feel better being able to share some feelings here.

 

[Breaker]

I had my PE where I go back and remember the trauma. Friends I can not do this. I flashed back for about the entire time ended up on the floor screaming. I don't know what any other trauma anyone experienced but this will ot work for me. I am not just feeling like I want to run out of the room I have flashbacks where I am there again. I have not felt the pain that I felt then in any of it. The trauma is horrific enough. My therapist said to listen to the tape every day. I caught my wife crying hysterically in the living room and went over to her to ask what happened? She was listening to the tape. I jerked it out of her ears. I was told by my therapists not to listen to this while driving as one vet said he did or while cleaning the house as another did but give it your full attention. Really? Listen to it while I am driving? IMPOSSIBLE! I can not listen to it on my couch.

I was told that I would sleep finally after this session. I did not, I have been not good. Last night I woke up shaking and screaming so loud my daughter woke up and ran in to see what was the matter. I am sure the neighbors heard that scream. I spent the next hour shaking in a ball on the bed as my wife called the crises line.

I don't know what other trauma people have experienced and I am no quiter but I am better off without this. I am going to TRY and go back ot the way I was before the therapy.

It sounds like to me that this works for people who have bad memories and can face those bad memories and for sure that is not easy. I hear people talk about being emotional, whatever but are you laying on the floor screaming? Where you tortured without mercy and facing certain death after that? Only by a miracle was I rescued. If you were and went through this please tell me. My wife is scared more than ever to sleep with me and she does not want to lose me to a heart attack from these episodes. I really need to hear from someone who did not just experience combat, I have lived many years like that. I need someone like I said who was alone, who was tortured, who knows what it is to scream for 23 hours in pain. Who knows what it is to fight for your life so your family will not have to go through the pain of losing you when you yourself want to die. Did you go through the PE? Did it work?

 

[Breaker]

But the truth deep inside me is. When I was fighting for my life I changed. I was alone and giving it everything to fight to stay alive. I lost who I was then, In knew then in that moment I would never be the same person. I was not supposed to survive what I did. I did survive it by freak circumstances and maybe I am just too damned stubborn to die? I don't know but I know that there is too much here for too long a time. It is better I go plant some beans in the garden and live away from everyone than die trying to relive this crap. I have a family to support and they do not want me to go through this anymore. It is so hard for me to quit it though because I really want to get better. I don't know if anyone can relate to this but if so know your not alone. This PE is still in experimental stages. They pay me to be part of the study. It works for 80% of the people in the civilian world. I think it probably helps some people with some trauma but not everyone and I am here for the not everyone.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Breaker

You know if you got the idea that somehow what I went though with PE was a 'cake' walk you'd be wrong. It was shit and stayed shitty for a long time. I'm not going to make this a 'no shit' post about who had what when but it kind of sounds like that. If that therapy didn't work then you should have switched to something else. That's what your therapists are there for. The problem is avoidance. Hey I avoided it for more than 40 years, never talked about it, tried not to even think about it. That didn't work.

And by the way, PE isn't experimental. It's been quantified by the psychiatric community. And I can tell you that if you don't do anything about it, your PTSD will get worse, that's a guarantee. It's never going to go away on it's own.

Also, no where in your post did you mention how you got PTSD. Let us know a bit more about you.Where you served, who you were with. We like to get to know the people we talk to here.

JarHed

 

[Lee C]

Sounds like they are talking a lot of old bollox to me mate, seem like its been written out of manual, but, lets see !

 

[Breaker]

Like I said anyone with those kind of experiences care to comment? I got three calls from Vets at the DAV all of them telling me not to do this PE. That messing with your mind is not something you should play around with. Buried pain of a physical type and not stub your toe pain but the maximum screaming for hours pain is buried in me. I think it should remain buried, so does the DAV, so why is that? My wife does not want me to do this anymore, my kids don't so why would I risk it? Would I trust the VA and what they tell me? I have been around way too long for that. Blind trust is not something I am too good at anymore. When you uncover parts of trauma then other parts come up. It is never ending and I have years of trauma. I think if I continue this I will be crazy at the end of it. I have gone the the CPT and it was helpful and I got skills to deal with PTSD, that worked for me.

But I know everyone is Rambo and I hear these stories at group. Everyone is the hero. But when people talk about emotionally hard? I get the impression that they are not flashing back for an hour like I did. I would describe the experience not in emotional terms. I have done some shity stuff and for me those things are emotional, I live with them all the time but they are not PAIN. This is different than that. Truly I have more regret for the people I did not kill than the ones I did.

If what your looking for is some RAMBO story you can forget it. I know who I am and I also know that my service was top notch. A whole lot of people behind me in whatever that I am sure are some big talkers now. I am not going to compete with that bullshit. I am service connected for PTSD and other injuries that is enough for the internet. Now in person I would go further but I am not going to have my military record questioned or trashed on the internet. I did not do that to you and so show me the same respect.

 

[Breaker]

I should have known better, this is the internet. I will check back and see if anyone has completed PE that knows what I am talking about. I will know you so ignore these jackels that want proof. Did it work for you?

 

[Ned]

Breaker, I am not sure, but I am beginning to get the impression that the rant above was a pop at this community. We don't know who you are, where you're coming from, what the issue is really.
And if you think anyone here is trying to get into a pissing contest, sorry, wrong address.
How about a short, halfway-sensible sitrep? Because what I've seen so far is just, well, a rant.

 

[Breaker]

Ned sorry but my service was called into question. I did not do that to anyone and do not plan to permit it to happen to me. All that said I can not listen to the tape. I just can not do it, Making the tape I ended up on the floor screaming. Not to compare but yes I understand the run out the door feeling I felt that as well. I am told if I can't listen to the tape everyday then PE is not going to work for me. I know about avoidance I have spent the last ten years in one of the most dangerous countries in the world "avoiding..."

I AM NOT COMPARING MY SITUATION OR BELITTLING ANYONE'S EXPERIENCE. (Not yelling just want to make it clear) I am sorry if I came across that way I did not mean to. If anything since I can not go through it and I am admitting that then I am bowing to the people who have gone through it? I don't know but I have been through so much shit for so many years a contest for who has a bigger dick does not interest me.

Like what I said if these tapes can be listened to while driving a car as my therapist mentioned not to do than please understand that my experience would not allow for that. So is it just possible that some people have had some very bad shit happen to them and those things are good to bring up and deal with them in a safe environment and some things are just so holy chit terrible and long enduring that it just may be too much to bring them up? I was told I would sleep that night after the session. I did not, I woke up screaming and shaking and curled up into a ball. My little girl came running in scared to death. My wife is scared to sleep with me. I think she has PTSD from just living with me. ;) I have yelled before and jumped off the bed and hit the floor in dreams before but this was a pain scream and that has been buried until this. I think it should remain buried, maybe I am wrong, maybe I am just not strong enough to do it? Maybe I am and maybe I should not do it? Too many questions. Which is why I would like to hear from someone else. But to blindly trust the VA is very difficult for me.

I am not someone to quit, I never have been and anyone that knows me knows that, they also know what I have been doing for a long time avoiding this stuff and it has not been something for the weak minded or weak of will.

Yep that was probably another rant..shit sorry. I think I should not ever bring this shit up again and just move on with my life wounded and live the best I can. Anyway if someone can get something out of my rants then it was not for nothing. Feel free to just delete it all if it is just ranting. I will not be offended.

 

[Ned]

OK mate, thanks for a better picture. No-one here objects to rants anyway, we all do it. I suspect that different 'therapists' have their own ideas about how to prod us. Jar made a good point, if what your current one is doing is f*cking you up, ditch that one and go elsewhere, you have that right you owe them nothing let them make their career with another subject.
From what I understand, the point about PE should be a gradual acclimatisation, like dipping into a cold pool inch by inch. Don't think you've been guided that way.
Please stick around, sit a while and ask some of the blokes and girls here, that way you can go back to them armed with a few good asks about what suits you. I take it you've been in the Sandpit the last few years? (No need to answer but it would give a lot of people here a better picture).