Sufferer Pstd Exacerbated By Family Trauma

[Deleted member 31203]

I lived through years of sexual abuse by my dad, his friend, and that friend's older son. Long story short, my mom knew, found out by reading my diary when I was at school at age 11, but didn't believe me. Convinced me I was lying and was a "messed up" kid. Fast-forward 10 years, I'm 18 and my mom is pregnant again. She pulls me aside before school and says, "I need you to tell me you lied to me about your dad hurting you when you were a kid. Because if you weren't lying and you never stopped it, its your fault if your baby sister gets hurt." Flash forward a few years later and I'm a getting raped after a college party. I feel I could have gotten out of this situation, had I not froze up remembering my childhood abuse. Then fast-forward to late August 2015. I'm 23, a senior in college, finally seeing a helpful therapist and finally sleeping every night, finally in a healthy, happy relationship with a kind and patient guy. We (my partner, my therapist, and I) had been thinking that I needed to cut ties with my parents in order to fully move on. I had some furnature left at my parent's house left to me from my great-grandma. My boyfriend and I decided to visit one last time and pick that up, but while there we discovered that my little sister (now 6) was sharing a bed with my dad (the man who abused me...the man who my mom knew abused me). Then my sister starts taking off her clothes and exposing her genital to my boyfriend, who is essentially a stranger to her, and sitting on his lap. He is understandably uncomfortable. My parents are in the room and do nothing. We quickly find a way to leave. My boyfriend is a therapist. He felt obligated to call Child Protective Services, and I felt obligated on a moral basis. We made the call. We both said "we do not want to make an accusation, but feel there is a strong possibility that sexual abuse is or will occur in the home." Next thing I know my life is upside down. My dad's calling my boyfriend screaming about a restraining order, a police detective is asking me if I want to prosecute my dad. Then my phone service is cut off.

In the course of 3 weeks I have gone from a successful college senior with a 3.8 GPA, who was benefiting from therapy and cautiously optimistic about my ability to cope with PTSD in the future, to a nervous wreck. I've been puking, doubled over in stomach cramps, dissociating, having crying spells, panic attacks, flashbacks,experiencing lack of hunger and energy and sleep, and cycling through a wide range of emotions that, even with prior PTSD problems, I have never felt before. Two nights ago I lost it completely. I have missed every class and failed every quiz. The dean of students is trying to help me find a way to drop out for this semester in a way that doesn't compromise my GPA or Scholarships and other financial aid. I leaned against the hallway wall for over and hour rubbing my head against the wall, totally zoned out, and when I "came to" I was sitting on the couch in my boyfriends arms, with an ice-pack on my head. I'd actually rubbed the skin raw and bleeding on part of my head and didn't realize it.

I am not suicidal but deeply worry I WILL be if I don't get a handle on this. I don't want to end up in a mental health facility, though I realize there is no shame in that, the ones around here are not very good for problems like PTSD.

It really does feel good to just tell my story to people who have some semblance of understanding and have gone through PTSD themselves. Thanks.

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome Carmen. I guess the central thing to hang on to is that being a therapist your partner was obligated to report. All the rest is backlash from the incident and I'm glad you put the call in together. I hope too a way will be found to clear you for the semester. Perhaps turning your mind back to cutting ties with your parents and reminding yourself when necessary that the "last visit" is behind you may be helpful personally.

The behavior of your little sister, you acted in accordance to your moral/ethical code instead of turning a blind eye. You are not the little girl who mommy doesn't believe now... you are a young woman and are under no obligation to continue to keep familial dysfunction secret.

 

[Lucycat]

@Carmen23
Welcome to the forum. I too was abused by my father so I understand what you are saying. My sister was older than me by 6 years, and died aged 25. I never asked her if she was abused too, but I suspect that she was - before me. I much later discovered that he was abusing my girl cousins and school friends.

I remember the time 5 years ago, when the police became involved and my life turned upside down. I get it, I really do. It will get better. I am so glad that you already have both a therapist and an understanding partner. I ask you to be absolutely honest with them both, ensuring that they know when you really need help and when you want peace. This is a very trying time for you and you really need to take care of yourself. Don't be afraid to think of yourself first for a while - you deserve it and more.

 

[scout86]

Welcome to the forum.

It's too bad that doing the right thing has to be so hard and so complicated! But, you and your partner did the right thing. I hope it gets your sister out of a bad situation. What ever happens, she might not grow up believing nobody cared and she didn't matter. That's a pretty big deal, don't you think? And quite a gift from her older sister.

Sounds like you have some good and caring people in your life now. I hope you can all work through this with minimal blow back!

 

[Intrepid]

You should be stressed out. I'd be stressed out in your shoes. It's a big thing you have done. It's life changing. And it's real life, not denial.

Your Dad problem needed to be addressed.

My mother was in your shoes, whith the sexial abuse, that is. She never reported it. No one would have done anything anyway. That was in the 1950s, when people didn't address that sort of thing. Even today it's tough. There are holes in the system. I wish you and your sister luck.

My grandfather got his hands on my once. He affected a lot of people with his abuse, including Mom's sisters, at least one of her brothers, and many of her neices and nephews. But more than just the sexual abuse affected me. He created a monster in my mom. She wasn't sexually abusive. She was physically and emotionally abusive.

I believe it's good that you are stressed out now. That means you are human hand have feelings about people in your life. Work through it. It will take a long time. Don't worry about your GPA, because what really matters is that what the abuse (and your mother's denial) did to you won't go away. That needs to be worked on. From my experience things like that need to become a priority.

Thanks for letting me say all of this to you. I would say it to my mom, but she's in denial. I'm glad you are not a monster. And welcome to the forum.

 

[Stickler]

None of this is your fault.
None of this is your fault
None of this is your fault.

An adult is supposed to control *themselves* and not abuse a child.
Your mother found crystal-clear evidence you were being abused and *refused* to believe or protect you, even though * that was her job!*

...She then tries to shuffle the blame onto you for the abuse of your baby sister? Really?
GRRRRR!

Ok...*sigh* rant over...

I hang out/hung out on another mental health board. I think that a psychiatrist could get you a medical withdrawal. I do not know if that will twink with your scholarships. Meds could potentially help...Think slapping patch on a large wound. You are going to need therapy.

None of this crap is fair at all.

I hope you find it useful here.

 

[intothelight]

@Carmen23

There is no doubt that you did the right thing; however, the right thing may not be the easiest thing in the short term. It will get better over time and take some peace in the knowledge that at least for now the abuse has stopped.

You have every right to move on, make your own life and live it. Process what you have to, put blame on the people that deserve it, find in yourself your own peace and then live your life free of them.

 

[greenleaf]

The absolute, crazy and utter twisting denial; such a profound lack of taking responsibility as the mother of both you and your sister in your mother's statement about your sister a few years ago, has me stunned.

I read your post about hospitalization too; I really hope that you will do what you need to do to stay safe. You absolutely don't deserve to be hurt.

I hope that your father and mother both spend a lot of time in jail and never are allowed near another child.