Psychological Abuse - Confused

[Blues in NYC]

I've not been reading as much lately and I definitely have not been posting as much lately. Been in a state of pretty decent management and am actually currently working 2/3rds time for pay for several weeks now.

Anyways, the other night I did drop in and browsed through the front page of this section and this post stood out. In fact, it's stayed with me. I too have been coming to grips over the past year with the extent of emotional abuse I suffered from a mentally ill mother and, by proxy, a career oriented emotionally absent father.

The incidents, damage and cycles of self-blame, self-doubt and shame you describe sound very familiar. A big part of my recovery has been to limit my contact with my parental abuser. (There are other trauma in my history that contribute to the complexity of my PTSD profile--but leaving those bit outs for focus tonight.) Believe it or not, prior to recovery of memories of abuse, for 12 years I was in contact at least 4 if not more times a week with my parents. Based on "soft rules" laid down and mutually agreed upon by myself, my wife and my doctor, I now only talk to my parents but once every two to three weeks and limit it to an hour maximum.

Even so, when I talk with my mother on the phone, if she starts turning the conversation in a direction towards her own madness, I often get triggered into behaving as I did for so many years of my life--on and off since age six--where her perception dominates and trumps any other perception of reality. When I slip into this state, all those recovered memories of abuse of me, witnessed acts of severe self-abuse on her part, the shaming, the blaming, etc.--all of it becomes inaccessible. And it can take days for me to re-remember again in a way that I believe my own history. The re-remembering process often involves a flashback or two. This forgetting and crazy-making doubt are a part of the psychological damage I suffer. I'm not certain about much these days, but I have an instinct that this is pretty common amongst abuse survivors with PTSD.

Anyways, I need to cook myself some food tonight. And I can't get too worked up. I've got work tomorrow. My fingers already feel "wrong" as they hit the keyboard and my head is a bit floaty. So before I slip into a severe dissociative trance, I'd best wrap it up.

Hang in there, PerfectEmpire. :thumbs-up

 

[PerfectEmpire]

I wish you all the best

Hang in there, PerfectEmpire. :thumbs-up

Wow, thank you both. I'm glad I'm not alone!

I definetly suffer the "crazy-making doubt"!

 

[TLight]

I ditto everyone..........

YOur father and my parents also did horrible psychological abuse to me. I think this is even worse sometimes than the real bruises, etc.

SICK SICK SICK..........I'm sorry for you.........

 

[NarcSis]

I may not have any direct experience that I can relate, but I do know that you don't have to hit someone to damage them. Abuse is usually about control and keeping the 'victim' on edge and confused maintains that sense of dependence and ultimately control. Its not your fault.
Keep moving forward.
Hugs.

 

[jennifer0506]

You have just described my own father, through and through. Honestly.

I understand, truly. And NO It is not right for him to treat you like that. Verbal and mental abuse can be completely and utterly destroying. Self esteem is not a bunch of BS, because in the end, without self esteem we begin to plunge lower and lower.. Self esteem is so closely linked to suicidal thoughts they may aswell be in the same boat.

It is not right, nor should it EVER be considered right, even if you were a rebellious difficult child, which it seems you most definitely were not. It is not right and i keep repeating that but i don't know what to say, i know honestly how you feel because so many times i have sat there, believing it is all my fault i am treating the way i am, and i so often believe that it must be okay for him to be like that, otherwise he would see that it was wrong, otherwise everyone else would see how wrong it is. But NO.

it's WRONG. Beyond wrong. it's DESPICABLE. Its CRUEL. It's VILE.

I'm sorry but this is a bit of a trigger for me and i'll get a bit angry if i carry on

If you EVER need anyone to talk to about your father i'm here. I may only be sixteen, but i've been living with a very similar father for sixteen years. I know how confusing it is to feel so hated, but be told you're loved, wanting to believe it so much, on a good day and then treated so horrifically and feel so terrified the next. The intimidating and the terror of him being around you, of not knowing what mood he'll be in - whether you have forgotten to do something or whether you haven't done something right. Feeling so angry and so weak, so without power but also so lost and hated, and so desperate for that love, and for that jokey relationship you sometimes have to be constant.

I'm here to talk whenever.

 

[This Ends Now]

No Visible Wounds

I am sorry to hear that so many have suffered from psychological, verbal, and emotional abuse. It is tragic that this behavior is so common that it is considered "normal" by many. I had the benefit of at least knowing about the techniques and objectives of psyops growing up and that knowledge gave me some ability to reduce the long term effects. The best defense is an understanding of what is happening and why. There is a book called "No Visible Wounds" which does a great job of giving an introductory course on domestic nonphysical abuse including verbal, emotional, psychological, and financial.

Verbal abuse: if it is at all possible remove yourself from the situation. I know this is easier said than done. Even though it may feel risky when leaving the situation I can assure you that it will reduce the probability of physical abuse being added to the mix. If you cannot leave the house, try to find a room with a lock on the door and keep the door locked. Wait until long after the yelling and banging stops. Don't be lured out by the first couple lulls in the argument since this is the most dangerous time... you must be sure that the abuser has fully calmed down and is no longer under the effects of adrenaline.

Emotional abuse: rising above the situation and letting go of your attachments will help. If the abuse is coming in the form of degrading comments made towards you than find ways to independently build self esteem. I find that charity work, or even small random acts of kindness, can go a long way as far as building a sense of self worth... the type that your abuser can never take away from you. If the abuse is coming in the form of threats of self harm (if you leave I will ***** or its your fault that I am *****) then you need to let go. Remember that the individual saying these things is the owner of his/her own actions and whatever actions he/she will choose will determine his/her future. You are not a part of that decision making process and you are not responsible for others self destructive behavior. You are responsible for yourself.

Psychological abuse: this subject is very complex. Brainwashing and gas lighting are two common forms that come to mind so I will stick with these. Isolation, propaganda, deterioration of health, threat of torture and reinforcement are required for them to work. Isolation is easy and often done in the name of "safety". Remember that those who would trade freedom for safety will often loose both and look for any entry into the outside world (job, church, school, family, social group) that cannot reasonably be called "unsafe". Every time you make a connection with another person the abuser looses power. Propaganda is something to expect but also something that can be countered. In brainwashing the propaganda will be in the form of some sort of ideology you are expected to conform to and in gas lighting it will be in the form of a break between what is physically real and what you are being told is real in an attempt to make you doubt your sanity. Either way propaganda can be defeated through evidence and logic. Build your arguments in secret until such a time as you are away from the abuse. Pretend to "break" or "conform" to the outside while building your true self underneath. Deterioration of health is most common in the form of sleep disturbance. When a person is tired many psychological changes take place and the world eventually becomes a waking dream making the subject more open to suggestion. If a person is continuously waking you up when you are trying to sleep then that should be a red flag that something bad is going on. Naps can help in extreme cases... even 5 min of micro sleep here and there can catch you up enough to prevent a psychotic episode. Drugs and lack of nutrition are also sometimes used but they leave trace evidence which can be used against the abuser. Threats will be used against you but remember that the threat is usually greater than the execution and if your abuser has any skill he/she will know that. Consider what threats have been used against you and how you could respond if and when the threat is carried out. For example: if the threat is being held under water then practice drowning to reduce fear (holding your breath out during this will lower heart rate and blood pressure making water boarding ineffective), if your source of food is being threatened then practice fasting to get used to the feeling of hunger, the list could go on forever but you get the idea. Remember that death and serious injury are not the goal of the abuser as it would rob him/her of all power over you. Your abuser will try to reinforce the programs he/she is trying to put into you so they will become long lasting if not life long. A visualization exercise that I have used may or may not be helpful to you. I would imagine standing in the ocean and watching wave after wave come at me. If I tried to stand against the wave then I could be knocked down but if I dove through the wave I would survive time and time again.

Financial: this can be tricky and can mess with your sense of ethics. One way to overcome this is to get used to having nothing. Without desire for anything material then there can be little suffering when material things (including necessary items) are taken way. The other way to overcome financial abuse is to keep a stash of money and build on it until you have enough to get away. I cannot decide which method (or blend of the two) is best for any other individual... it is a choice you have to make.

I wish you all the best,

Liz H.

 

[Lisa]

Hi,

I think that psychological/emotional abuse is one of the most mind bending kinds of abuse... the other forms have their devastating effects too, but there is a kind of madness attached to the psychological type which is like vertigo - disorientating and unstable.

I wish you all the best,

dust

I couldn't have explained it better!

All abuse is potentially destroying, and always damaging. They all differ and I don't like to compare them having suffered all at various times in my life - and all have caused damage I'm having to repair, and no one type is better or worse than the other- they all have similarities and differences. I personally find the psychological aspect of abuse has the most subtle - but severe effect on me. By that I mean it is nearly impossible for me to trust my own mind. And it left me wide open to being abused more than once - because I doubted my mind so much. Anyone could have done anything to me and I would have still thought it was my fault or that I caused it. Because I had a father who could twist things around constantly until it was too confusing to work out anymore if it was him or me or my mum or whoever he was blaming at the time. And his reactions would be so extreme that it often wasn't worth trying to argue otherwise anyway. The intensity of the barrage was exhausting and I was threatened with my life just for annoying him. This sort of thing, the stuff it does inside your head, is impossible for a child to understand or overcome -- in that environment and without outside help to put your mind back where it belongs - with you. But it's possible to overcome.

Coming here and talking about it is a good start... there are other people who can say differently to him and you can start to regain your own thoughts and beliefs, instead having the psychological abuse put inside your head.

 

[suzie q]

I can really relate to what BlueinNY posted. My mother never agreed with anything I said. She would deny me my feelings, experiences, questions, sense of self.

All the memories I have of my mother is one of denying me my identity. As a small child, I was scared into her control. Everything she said was reality, and I was way off with my memories. I began to believe her, and for a long time I continually questioned my own reality. Your parents are the ones who are smart so you should unconditionally listen to their wisdom and experience. I was never allowed to explore myself and was constantly being berated for disagreeing with my mothers perspective. I gave in and truly felt like I was completely crazy and was never to be introduced to "reality".

Whenever I was wrong, I usually got a rage session, slapped around a little, and berated for being so stupid. I believed her up until I was about 16. My rage and hatred for her came out, and I left home.

To this day, one of the hardest issues I work on is my sense of reality. Do I really see what others see, or am I just crazy and stupid. I don't think I will ever feel completely sure of how I see things. It will last a lifetime.

Is this really what you would do to your own child? So being forced to think that I am crazy is a better thing than hitting? I'de take the hitting any day. Bruises will heal, the other, well I'm no where in that arena yet and I'm 49 years old.

Your father was a total abuser. You weren't lucky to have him or anyone like him. I would never wish that type of behavior and games on my worst enemy. Acceptance is the key, and that may take some time.

Here if you need me
suzie q