Psychopath Made Contact

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks guys. I went ahead and called the hospital and blocked my phone number.

I gave them my maiden name since they don't know me by my married name. The charge nurse I spoke with said that my ex had my name and my Dad's number on a list in his wallet. She said she couldn't give me a whole lot of information because of privacy.

I just told her, "Look. I was married to the guy before. I have a history with him. I think I can help by providing some information. Here is his sister's phone number. She can get in touch with his mother. I do know that he has Grave's disease and no thyroid. I know he takes such and such medication (gave her the name and dosage)." etc and I gave her the rest of his medical history, allergies, etc.

She was so appreciative. Then I asked her to tell me what's going on. She says that he is on life support. He was not conscious and they had to induce a coma on top of that because he has a very very bad blood and lung infection... that he is dying.

*shudder*

Anyway, I verified it for myself. I don't feel afraid anymore or wigged out, but I do feel something. I just don't know what I'm feeling. Thanks for your support and for listening to my shares.

 

[The Albatross]

Good on you for being able to be proactive both in protecting yourself and in providing information for your ex so that the medical professionals got information that was necessary.

If there's emotional backlash or upheaval, you took the high road gal.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks Albatross. That was the hardest part. I just started thinking of his mother. I always loved her. We were very close. It pained her so much that her son is the way he is, but she loved him with every fiber of her being and I don't blame her. I can't imagine what it must be like to be a mother.

 

[Powder]

Thank you for sharing that you feel something but can't label it quite yet. I get that.

I call it "numbing" and that sounds reasonable to me and what I've also experienced a lot.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I just called the hospital. He died last night :( :( :(

They said his mother was able to be there because I provided them with the info. I'm so happy his mother was able to be by his side in his last moments no matter how much he hurt me. I am so happy she got to be there for him--her baby, her only son in his last moments.

I feel so sad for his family and for his soul. My heart breaks.

Other than that, I feel numb and I don't know how to feel. I hear other women's stories about finding closure in things like this. It is hardly what I would describe it as.

I've never experienced this kind of thing in life before, someone that I loved so much and cared deeply for--someone who traumatized me. There are so many emotions so numb feels safe right now.

I am self blaming big time right now and I don't understand why.

 

[WillyKat]

Hey, you did what you had to do to stay safe. There's nothing wrong with that.

I wonder if part of what you're feeling is related to finally being safe, and that I think opens a door to other emotions. All totally normal by the way.

 

[Powder]

You did what you thought was right. I'm glad that you exercised good judgment and restraint by allowing someone's mother to be with her child and you were able to separate your mixed emotions about that child-adult and focus on someone else who you cared about, the mother. You did it for the mother because you are a decent human being who can empathize and have compassion, mercy and pity for someone else.

I am proud of you.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

@WillyKat, I do feel safe. After reading your post, I do feel that way and I feel guilty for feeling safe only because someone died. Also, I feel like I will be able to grieve now and I feel horrible about that. Also, it's scary because I am being forced to grieve and that breaks down all the scary walls and defense mechanisms that I've built up around me and in my life. Thanks for mentioning feeling safe. It really punched through me when I read that word. If I wasn't feeling that way before, I am now. I have no choice but to heal from it now.

@Muse , thank you.

Some more has come up. I am self blaming and it has to do with things I said to him when I was with him and after I escaped, out of anger. Also, it has to do with forgiveness and some other things--mostly guilt.

I said some really mean things to him out of anger while I was with him. I apologized for it back then when I was with him and he seemingly forgave me, but now that he is dead, it is bringing all of that up again and I can't forgive myself. Also, after I escaped, when I started processing some trauma, I emailed him in moments where I had a need to feel empowered :(

I told him he was the worst human being on the planet and that I'm with a man now who treats me how I deserve and that my new husband is a million times better than he will ever be. I told him he will die a sick, lonely old man for all of the lives he has destroyed. I know now that I was having a normal reaction to abnormal things, but I feel so guilty. I've never said things like that to someone before.

:( :( :( :( I was so angry.

Also, when I first got word of him being in the hospital, I was trying to discuss it with my husband that night while doing the dishes. My brain just could not handle any more of the subject matter. I became so angry, dropped the dishes, and dropped to the floor crying. I was fuming and crying at the same time. I was shaking and sweating. My body was so hot. I cried out, "just dieeeeee!! Just dieeeeee. Stop infecting my life!" I feel so guilty that I said these things.

The night that he died, I didn't know that he had died yet, I was praying. In my prayer, I thanked God for helping me to feel compassion toward him and toward his family. I tried to pray for his life, but I could not. I thanked God for knowing my heart and just asked that His will be done in his life. I imagined myself giving it to God-all of it and asked for His help to forgive him.

My heart breaks. I wish that I could have just emailed him a long time ago and made the decision to forgive him and tell him that I did even if it would've meant nothing to him. I feel responsible for his death and I don't know why. I wish that I could've forgiven him for God.

I am coping really well, but I feel so much agony inside. Our life together keeps flashing before my eyes and I feel so guilty about that too because I'm married now and so much in love. Suddenly all of the good feelings and memories are coming up even if they were just all a fantasy.

It's just so sad.

I can intellectualize everything I am feeling and can fully comprehend that it's normal yet still, it feels so awful. I don't believe death is natural at all no matter who it is.

At the same time, I am so grateful that with knowing what I know now, having recovery and coping skills, I can be completely present during this process. I don't feel guilty about that--at all.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I think the reason I feel responsible for his death is because he threatened and attempted suicide while we were together, but back then, it all seemed like a manipulation tactic.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Now that I've shared all of that, a flood is opening up.

Now that he is gone, it makes him human. At first, I remember feeling, "Psychopaths don't die." because I had painted this immortal monster in my head. Well, trauma did that for me actually.

I went on a hamster wheel last night after I spoke to the hospital. I started thinking, "What if his family asked the hospital to tell me a lie to keep him safe because of the witness protection program? What if the government did that? What if he lived and he is still two hours away from me?"

Ugh. That can't be true. There were so many lies while I was with him. I know witness protection wasn't a lie because I was put into it with him.

I'm trying to put a cap on how much I'm feeling all at once. Baby steps. Putting it away for now and doing self care--distraction.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I just find it so profound that I was going through my thought life with my Higher Power on the exact same night that he died. I wonder if it was the exact same moment he was slipping away. I don't know why this seems so profound to me.

In my thoughts that night, I started thinking about what forgiveness meant to me. It means to cancel a debt. Cancel--neutralize or negate the force or effect of, Debt--something that is owed or due. I realized that it could be completely separate from my journey to heal from trauma.

Forgiving does not mean that trauma didn't happen. Forgiving does not mean that I allow someone into my life again.

Then, I said, "OK then. I forgive his debt." In that moment, it did neutralize the power the trauma had on me for so long. And that's the moment, when I imagined myself giving it all to God and asked that his will be done in my ex's life.

The next day, I find out he died that night. It's just . . . strange.

 

[billie]

Hope you're traveling okay @EvenStrongerNow x