Psychosis, Multiple Personalities, Or Dissociation?

[Deleted member 37343]

My gosh...hours?? Days?? Bless your heart

It's exhausting but I've "gotten used to it" in the sense that the best way I can handle my constant intrusive thoughts is by just sitting with it and let it roll over.. then another thought comes on. They're always in the back of my mind and sometimes they're "louder" than other days. It's really just a matter of finding a good day to actually do stuff rather than locking myself in my closet and thinking.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

Dissociation is easiest to spot if it happens quickly and suddenly - if you see it happen and recogn...

Thank you for that. For the past few days I've been a bit in and out and I'm still rather foggy so it's a bit hard to understand your message and wrap my head around it. I will try to remember to come back and re-read to see if I pick anything else up, but I think I sort of understand..

Are you saying if I have another personality, that one personality has like.. mini alters going on internally?

Or one personality that just has "physical medical" issues going on that makes it seem like there are mental problems going on?

Sorry if I'm wrong. Again, I'm a bit fuzzy at the moment.

I will mention the possibility to my therapist. The main thing that made them say I had PTSD was that I had a long past of childhood abuse, my memory pattern, night terrors(I'm not really sure if they're night terrors, so i'll probably start another thread to ask others about it.), flashbacks,(though rare since my therapist thinks I went into a dissociative state of mind as a child[emotionless state] which is shutting off some memories for coming back. I can't remember much from when I was young, very little really :\ ) and that I have a panic disorder.

With the mix in of all these other disorders that these doctors are throwing around, I wouldn't be surprised if there's something else going on other than what they've noticed.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

@Nimali - when your vision is overtaken by the 'overlay' of a non-reality (like...

It's interesting you used those metaphoric examples.

With the intrusive images like the burning building, it either slowly comes on and usually my anxious feelings toward it just speed up the process to the worst part, but sometimes they come suddenly and it almost reminds me of a flashback. Sometimes they're not as bad, but the way I think is in images, scenarios, all jam packed with senses(hearing, smell, taste, feeling,etc. So I can smell the ash, see the fire, feel the heat against my face, smell burning bodies, etc.) When they're not so bad, I can still remember where I am and what I was doing -- I'll just be put off for a second or two before returning back to what I was doing.

When it's worse, it's like I completely forget everything other than what I'm seeing. It's constant flashing images and that really disorients me.

The thing you mentioned that reminded me of something else.. I don't see this as a switch when I initially get the images. I wouldn't say it's an outside source that may be affecting me. I don't see it as some deity or other human that may have placed a microchip in my mind and activates at their own pleasure... (Though that would make a pretty interesting story and I feel bad for those who believe that. I'm terrified by what goes on in my own mind, I can't imagine the fear they may be experiencing.)

The only time I sort of think there's an outside force is when it feels like my mindset is sort of changing. I wouldn't say it's 100% outside source because the "outside source" I still consider a part of me. An example would be with the mindset. When my Past Self's mindset decides to be present in my mind, I feel like I can't control it and when it happens, it happens. I didn't instigate it nor can I prevent it, but I can see it happen against my will. But at the same time, my Past Self is still 'me' but just a different version of me.. sort of. Kind of like how people may act differently around their boss, but completely opposite around their love interest. Only difference is it feels like I can't predict when it'll fully take over.

When it feels like a switch.. would be when I'm experiencing very loud, disturbing intrusive thoughts. This only happens when I get overly stimulated whether it be intrusive thoughts, in a loud environment with other stimulus such as a crowd in a movie theatre, theme parks, construction areas, people yelling, etc., It's like my panic rises then once I hit that peak where I feel like I'm really going to lose it or when I realize I can't escape no matter what... that's when it feels like a switch just flipped. (I think it feels internally.) All of a sudden, my mind goes blank for a few minutes, I relax almost instantly, and when thoughts come back, it's like everything is fuzzy or blurry in my mind.. Sometimes if I get images, I still see the same ones that were just making me panic, but I feel so calm, it doesn't do anything. I become emotionless and eventually become distant. That's when I end up staring into space, bland face, usually have my arms wrapped around my knees close to my chest... it's just peaceful, but not a pleasant peaceful feeling if that makes sense. I couldn't control it but it happened.

I see this as sort of like, when my body experiences way too much stimulus, it shuts down to save itself and kind of goes into "hibernation."

 

[Deleted member 37343]

The way you describe this, I'm assuming the experience is that you know your mind/brain/memory is where the thoughts are coming from, and they overwhelm you from the inside out. Is that accurate?

(forgive me - I think you've answered these questions elsewhere in the thread, kind of, but the way you wrote these statements made me want to ask again...)[/QUOTE]

(Sorry I got a bit side tracked. xP I'm almost still trying to figure out this website a bit haha.. as you can tell I'm not very tech savvy. )

Yes you are right. In these images, there's always feelings of grief, loss, desperation, etc., but all of that is towards me and what I feel is guilt because whatever happens in the image, no matter what it always makes it seem like it was my fault. It was my fault the buildings burned down, why all the people died, I couldn't save the people who died in the car accident, I wasn't able to control myself. I fear that I'll lose control. In some images I see people looking at me terrified and sometimes I'll just get the idea independently that I hurt them somehow. Sometimes I'll see myself holding a bloody axe or knife. (it's mainly an axe for whatever reason. Not sure why.) and that's when I realize I did something.

So at the end of the day, I fear myself and what I'm capable of. I'm scared I'll somehow lose control if I don't keep myself in check. I don't want to hurt the people I care about nor do I want to lose them. It's kind of like a constant battle of "tug-of-war" with myself. I want to keep those I care about close to me to make sure they're safe, but at the same time I have to keep a distance in case I might be a danger to them. I'm worried I'll harm them in some way.

I know that everyone is capable of killing people, burning a building, crashing cars, etc..

Just remembering, another thing that sometimes really bothers me.. it doesn't happen as frequently, but it once in a while shows up, I'll see myself in the image smiling or enjoying whatever I did. I'm not sure if I see that 'me' as 'me' or as someone else that took on my face.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

The way you describe this, I'm assuming the experience is that you know your mind/brain/Memory is where the thoughts are coming from, and they overwhelm you from the inside out. Is that accurate?

Ooh that's how you do this. Haha... sorry for the confusion and spam messages.

 

[BlueOrange]

it's a bit hard to understand your message and wrap my head around it.

The main things I want to say are:
- it's OK to be confused by something that is really confusing
- your therapist will benefit from a detailed and precise description of your confusion
- trained professionals who see you in person will usually do a better diagnosis than experienced sufferers who read about you on the internet

I think that your most recent description in this thread is really detailed and precise, and would be very useful to a therapist. A description of your experience using this site and interacting with the people would probably also be useful.

I anticipate that your therapist would have a number of questions, including about how you feel.

One thing that my therapist has reminded me about is that thinking of doing something doesn't mean that you have to do it. (I have fantasies about hurting people, and at the time, it feels good to imagine that stuff, and I imagine feeling good about doing it. Afterwards, I feel really bad that I imagined such a thing. My therapist reminds me that actions are more important than thoughts. It's OK for me to have those thoughts if I don't act on them.)

One decision that needs to be made for you is about medication. Slowing your thoughts down may make the intrusions easier to manage. Many people don't like the side effects of that kind of medication, so doctors are reluctant to prescribe it if they don't know that it's needed. Your feelings about that topic are important for them to understand.

I read what you're saying and I feel better about myself when I had very similar worries. At the time, I thought that I was a monster that was getting out of control. What I see in you (and in me now, too) is someone working really hard to understand something extremely difficult, and making progress.

You might find it reassuring to read this whole thread again. At the beginning, you seemed to be having a lot of difficulty describing the problem. Now, I find the description much easier to understand. It seems to me that you understand the problem a bit more clearly, which means that it will be less difficult to find helpful solutions.

 

[joeylittle]

My therapist suggested I get tested for psychosis and I will be getting tested for it soon. I don't know if I'll be able to afford a physical... or any of the other tests.. do you have an estimate of how much that will all cost?

It will depend on your insurance situation. An annual full physical exam is usually covered by most plans. You may have a co-pay. You need a physical.

Where are you going to get tested for psychosis? (I'm not asking 'where', specifically - more, what kind of doctor are you seeing, are they private practice or hospital-based, etc.)

Just remembering, another thing that sometimes really bothers me.. it doesn't happen as frequently, but it once in a while shows up, I'll see myself in the image smiling or enjoying whatever I did. I'm not sure if I see that 'me' as 'me' or as someone else that took on my face.

I'm just going to go back to what I said in my first post on this thread. The things you are describing are kind of complex. You are seeing/viewing events that have never happened - correct? And you find that they do come from you, but you are also in the 'picture' as a figure, and you can 'see' yourself doing something you never did.

Sometimes you can control the images, sometimes you can't - do I have that right?

If you are between the ages of 14-25 (I'll go broad on that one), you could be beginning to present with a few different disorders. Or, you could have PTSD, and this is what's showing up for you. What makes me think that it may be something more is that you appear to be describing mixed psychotic episodes. I've got zero ways of knowing that's what's happening - I'm absolutely not a doctor. I'm only going off of family experience, and that's only worth about 2 cents.

But early intervention makes a big difference - that is just a true thing. I'd hate to see you not get properly and fully evaluated by someone who knew what they were doing. Unfortunately, not everyone knows what they are doing. Mental health has a lot of generalists, some specialists. The specialists tend to gather in institutes that are dedicated to psychological health.

You've also got a lot of early, ongoing trauma in your history, and that makes it complicated, too.

Stay curious - keep asking questions - tell your doctors everything, even if you aren't sure it's relevant. You can call your insurance company and see whether you are eligible for a physical exam, but if you've not had one in awhile, you should be. If you don't have insurance, talk to your T about how to go about it - they can probably help you.

 

[BlueOrange]

You are hallucinating things that have never happened - correct?

'Hallucinate' is a term that is loaded with meaning and implication, and which non-professionals don't usually understand with precision. Can we please not coach people to use that word? If the therapist says that it's hallucination, that's one thing. If we coach someone into using it, we undermine accurate diagnosis.

 

[joeylittle]

Hallucinate' is a term that is loaded with meaning and implication, and which non-professionals don't usually understand with precision

Sure. Edited.

 

[Deleted member 37343]

The main things I want to say are:
- it's OK to be confused by something that is really confusing
-...

I actually didn't get the chance to meet with my therapist this week so I won't be able to speak with her about all this until the end of this week, but I will try to remember to take note of all these and present them to her.

Is there actually medication that can slow down your thinking process? Is that like anti-anxiety or sedative medication?

While we're on the topic of medication.. Although I think it can be a great tool for people and I don't doubt the abilities that modern medicine has to offer, for whatever reason I'm worried that taking the medication will change who I am and I'll lose this "mindset" of mine. I'll become someone else and I can't trust that other people will tell me if I've changed or not. I'm worried they'll focus so much on the stuff that got resolves, they won't be able to notice the stuff I lost in the process and I'm worried I won't be able to tell the difference either.

I am sorry that you get the same worries, but I am also glad to know I am not alone. Hopefully I'll be able to figure something out to at least ease my mind and hopefully you will too!

 

[Deleted member 37343]

It will depend on your insurance situation. An annual full physical exam is usually covered by most plans. You may have a co-pay. You need a physical.

My annual exam will be able to detect any problems that could be causing this or will I have to tell them what to look for?

For where I'll be getting tested... Because I cannot afford all of these doctor visits, my therapist found a program for people in my age group to get tested for early signs of psychosis. I don't think he will be part of a hospital. I don't remember exactly what my therapist told me, but I think he might be part of private practice.

If you are between the ages of 14-25 (I'll go broad on that one), you could be beginning to present with a few different disorders. Or, you could have PTSD, and this is what's showing up for you. What makes me think that it may be something more is that you appear to be describing mixed psychotic episodes

Yes, I am 18. If I may ask, and if it's not too troublesome for you, can I ask for what I said that shows mixed psychotic episodes? Or is it everything I've mentioned from the intrusive thoughts to the possible dissociative episodes?

Also, I won't be due for another physical until mid next year and that's too far away, but I don't think I'll be able to afford one without the insurance.

that's only worth about 2 cents.

Hey, every cent counts really haha. Everything here is so helpful for me and I'm honestly just glad I found this forum to at least express my problems to somewhere... these replies are really great and it's helpful in letting me ask these questions to myself and dig deeper into it.

Sometimes you can control the images, sometimes you can't - do I have that right?

Yes, but the images I can control are my "good ruminations." I don't think I've mentioned those here. It's basically the same thing as the bad intrusive thoughts, yet it's enjoyable. I still can't control how long it goes on and when the thought/images change, but this one I don't fight as much since, again, they are enjoyable. Sometimes I do try to push it away, but I really can't and there's always some sort of thought or image going on. These can range from visiting my "alternate universes," playing around with different scientific theories, time travel and what I would do, re-imagining what rain feels like then using that to maximize feelings and turn into a rain storm, apply strong wind... etc.

Both build off of the idea/question of, "What if..." and if it starts out as a good thought, it has the ability to turn into a bad thought. If it's already bad then it just gets worse or continues its same level of morbidity.

 

[BlueOrange]

Is there actually medication that can slow down your thinking process? Is that like anti-Anxiety or sedative medication?

That's pretty much what I was thinking. And it's definitely worth sharing your concerns about medication with your therapist.