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Ptsd + Adhd Marriage Anyone?
- Post starter qwyoey
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Friday
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ROFLMAO... Well, I have PTSD & ADHD :D :sneaky: :P
PTSD is the BigDog in this fight, although there are some crossover symptoms that exist kind of in perpetuity, BigDog symptoms always win when there is a conflict. But those symptoms are transitory, unlike ADHD which are static. So they're handled entirely differently. PTSD symptoms are chipped away at, altered, managed downward. ADHD symptoms, meanwhile, are all about finding a way to live with them as they are. It shocked the hell out of me, when I first started dealing with PTSD symptoms how easy they are to manipulate...comparatively. I was expecting them to stay, full force, forever (like ADHD symptoms)... But as I started developing work-arounds for them? Found they altered! It was kind of crazy exciting in a way. A science experiment with me as the result. A freaking long term one, but if you keep poking & poking? Things start to budge.
So... From that standpoint, of dealing with both, anything I've got that might be useful to you you're welcome to.
PTSD is the BigDog in this fight, although there are some crossover symptoms that exist kind of in perpetuity, BigDog symptoms always win when there is a conflict. But those symptoms are transitory, unlike ADHD which are static. So they're handled entirely differently. PTSD symptoms are chipped away at, altered, managed downward. ADHD symptoms, meanwhile, are all about finding a way to live with them as they are. It shocked the hell out of me, when I first started dealing with PTSD symptoms how easy they are to manipulate...comparatively. I was expecting them to stay, full force, forever (like ADHD symptoms)... But as I started developing work-arounds for them? Found they altered! It was kind of crazy exciting in a way. A science experiment with me as the result. A freaking long term one, but if you keep poking & poking? Things start to budge.
So... From that standpoint, of dealing with both, anything I've got that might be useful to you you're welcome to.
Eleanor
Diamond Member
ADHD here, PTSD spouse, him also ADHD to some extent. Both of us best explained by Structural Dissociation.
It is confusing, needless to say. My personal favorite theory is that at there are varieties of ADHD. One variety is closely related/caused by SD.
The PTSD is much more malleable than the ADHD. Our couples T asked yesterday how much better I thought my H had gotten in the last years. My answer: If DID is 0, and total integration of emotion/s experience is 100 (brief discussion of what that might look like and if Dalai Lama was 100 or off the scale at 120...) I estimated that my H started at 20 and is now at 85 or so. So a 300% improvement. My ADHD, by contrast seems precisely the same. Problems are very state dependent. When tired I can't track. When rested I can hyper focus for ages. But that's me - hyper focused or scattered. It is objectively hard to live with. Routine is really important for me, but we seem to have a life where routines last at most about three months for me... it is challenging.
It is confusing, needless to say. My personal favorite theory is that at there are varieties of ADHD. One variety is closely related/caused by SD.
The PTSD is much more malleable than the ADHD. Our couples T asked yesterday how much better I thought my H had gotten in the last years. My answer: If DID is 0, and total integration of emotion/s experience is 100 (brief discussion of what that might look like and if Dalai Lama was 100 or off the scale at 120...) I estimated that my H started at 20 and is now at 85 or so. So a 300% improvement. My ADHD, by contrast seems precisely the same. Problems are very state dependent. When tired I can't track. When rested I can hyper focus for ages. But that's me - hyper focused or scattered. It is objectively hard to live with. Routine is really important for me, but we seem to have a life where routines last at most about three months for me... it is challenging.
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- #4
Interesting about the PTSD being more maleable @Eleanor. I would have thought it would have been the other way around, but I agree as I tend to be much much more self aware of my actions than my husband is of his own. I feel like I'm a mini-therapist in a way- watching him, tracking him, reminding him. Why I'll be so grateful if he follows through on seeing someone. I don't feel like I can handle the stress of my own recovery while worrying about him to the degree I do. It's also not good for our marriage.
Routine is super important for me, and we are just now, after the better part of a decade, getting routines established. I had a ton of routines before we met that kept me grounded, but moving in with him was a chaotic whirlwind. He also has a lot of learned helplessness and we spent so much time overcoming that.
My spouses mother definitely is a narcissistic /borderline personality (we learned the hard way). I've read the children of BPD parents often grow up to have either BPD themselves, or ADHD as they are somewhat related. My husbands brother is a recovered addict so the addict gene is there.
Routine is super important for me, and we are just now, after the better part of a decade, getting routines established. I had a ton of routines before we met that kept me grounded, but moving in with him was a chaotic whirlwind. He also has a lot of learned helplessness and we spent so much time overcoming that.
My spouses mother definitely is a narcissistic /borderline personality (we learned the hard way). I've read the children of BPD parents often grow up to have either BPD themselves, or ADHD as they are somewhat related. My husbands brother is a recovered addict so the addict gene is there.
I have ADHD and fiancé has PTSD and ADHD. So we are quite a pair. It's a struggle because when he stays up for days on end he can't remember anything. It's hard for me because i struggle to remember my own stuff and it puts a lot of pressure on me. When I forget he gets upset and he gets mad when I remind him. Sometimes I feel like I'm his mother...he doesn't even remember to brush his teeth sometimes. I would say that's from the PTSD and lack of sleep and anger. It's really hard because I try to form habits to remember things. I put my keys in the same spot etc. We're still working on dealing with it. I make lots of lists that really helps, but we're still learning.
C
CMJ
Hi there.. would really love to chat with you about your experience if you are willing to share? I'm on the verge of filing for a divorce from my husband who I believe has ADHD (continued and untreated from childhood) and myself with PTSD.
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- #7
D
Deleted member 46820
Hi,
My partner was diagnosed with ADHD, our relationship has experienced tough times. It's not easy to deal with the situation, there are times that my partner is irresponsible, passive and insensitive. I really want to give up with my partner but I realized that he's going a hard time in his life, so we decided to go to a counseling for adults with ADHD. Currently, we still continue the counseling and he's showing an improvement.
I have PTSD, he has ADD. I recently had a relapse with my PTSD, the past six years went quite well. The thing is, I litterally initiated everything. Finances, groceries, householdwork, dates. Its not that he didnt do anything, but I had to ask or tell. Worked fine actually, but now my PTSD has knocked me down again Im not able to do any of those things. This puts a strain on the relationship. The last few days have been hard, because he needs his downtime after work, and I have been alone with my thoughts all day and am only a bit more relaxes when I do things with him or talk with him.
When he needs time for himself I feel more alone than when he's not even home. But I know he needs that, and that its not all about what I need. Its a struggle right now...
When he needs time for himself I feel more alone than when he's not even home. But I know he needs that, and that its not all about what I need. Its a struggle right now...
D
Deleted member 46820
Hi lovak,
I think you both need to have counseling to know how to deal with that kind of situation. Your partner with ADHD can try behavioural and mindfulness therapy as a treatment for ADHD.
I think you both need to have counseling to know how to deal with that kind of situation. Your partner with ADHD can try behavioural and mindfulness therapy as a treatment for ADHD.
@Kieth Moody Yes, I'm starting counseling next Wednesday. He's already said he needs to talk to someone too, to deal with the situation right now. Luckily, over the years we really learned to talk, express what we need, and come to a middle ground. But it's still difficult because I'm a complete mess most of the time these past weeks.
D
Deleted member 46820
@lovak Good to hear that both of you are communicating now, don't say it's difficult because you're a complete mess. It will be fine soon, it is a step by step process. I read a blog that gives tips about how to handle or manage adults with ADHD, maybe it will give you an idea of how to cope with it.
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