Ptsd + Adhd Marriage Anyone?

[Mach123]

She thinks she's normal and I have all the problems because she has a perfect facade. Things wouldn't have happened the way they did if she was "typical" but that's none of my business. She's been through things that no one could do and she keeps going. It was a perfect storm and we have six children 2 of whom are severely disabled, now adults. Everyone and everything is always in some stage of screwed up. As long as no one is yelling there's an opportunity for something good to happen. My behaviour now is much less episodic. I have to get up, things to do. : )

 

[Deleted member 46820]

She thinks she's normal and I have all the problems because she has a perfect facade. Things wouldn't h...

Hi,

I have a partner who is diagnosed with ADHD and currently, we're in a counselling with our ADHD coach. It is very helpful because we're showing improvement and it strengthens our relationship.

 

[EntWife]

I just found this post on an Google search, but have been on this forum for a couple months.

I have PTSD from an exBF who cheated when we were together, stalked me after we split up, and was accused of rape 5 times that I know of (twice by mutual friends who I trust 100%). I just got diagnosed last year.

My husband got diagnosed with ADD last year. Turns out most of his family has it.

My biggest concern is that over the last few years my husband did one thing, in particular, that was SO similar to my ex. He met up with a female friend in the middle of the night without so much as texting me to tell me he was leaving (nevermind waking me up). In the 8 years we've been living together it never happened before (and it hasn't happened since) and I completely see how my husband's ADD contributed to the entire situation, BUT my ex did it ALL the time.

We're seeing a counselor who has ADHD, himself, AND he was stalked - I do think he's helping. BUT I wish there was some kind of book or even some articles on this combination! Right now it feels like it will be impossible for me to "un-couple" (as my PTSD therapist calls it) my husband from my ex.

Has anyone found any helpful resources?

 

[exedysfunc]

It's good to see this thread out there. I am joining after my wife's most recent episode with self harm (drinking, head hitting, self bruising). She will take the self-harm as far as necessary to prevent me from expressing my own distress and spousal emotional needs, especially when it's really bad for me, so it is a manipulative environment. I blame PTSD not her true self. I have my own anxiety and minor depression as well. If I ever had a nervous breakdown and required hospitalization, I believe her own self-harm could go to an extreme. She needs to be able to express her thoughts and threats of separation and divorce constantly but I cannot, lest the violence ensue. It is a numbing and heavy way to live.

I have moderate to severe ADHD. I am now self-diagnosing with vicarious trauma on top of my own issues. The boundaries she needs I cannot enforce consistently, and the cues I need she resents. We are just lovely and charm the world with our 4-year old when things are well, and when things are not it's a mini pit of hell. We are both highly educated and use clinical language both as coping and as cover-up. There are so many layers it will never untangle and I'm trying to accept this now. Disorganized finances, scattered social life, and no room for my own feelings. There is mental illness at various degrees in both our families. My wife is constantly comparing me to her ex as well, especially as I unwittingly adopt the same coping mechanisms, especially the unhealthy ones.

Right now I am focusing on providing a safe environment, where I don't mention my stress (especially caused by her behavior), where her normal brain can take control. When there is no stress, she is the woman I fell in love with. As soon as possible, more openly I plan to work on the tremendous role PTSD plays in our life together without blaming the person. I'm working on shedding the bitterness of being left with my own emotions for long periods.

She refuses therapy for it but we are in couple's therapy. There is a fair amount of denial. She manages to keep the focus away from PTSD so my current strategy is to bring it back front-and-center and let the chips fall. Again, with love and compassion, not blame.

At least, we both (all 3 of us) cry easily, so that can bring temporary relief.

 

[rkais]

This is exactly the thread I needed.

I have ADHD, fiance has C-PTSD. I feel scattered all the time. I forget, I can't keep a routine and then there flare-ups in my depression.

He's great - mostly. He's learned to manage his C-PTSD so well that sometimes I can't even recognize what's happening until it's too late.

I had one therapist say, "It'll never work. You'll always be fighting and hyper-volatile." Part of that is true but our Couples Therapist is great and thinks we can make it work if we put the effort into it.

I'm finally at a point where I realize that I need my own help for coaching and therapy in order to make the progress and show up the right way... blahhhh...

 

[HealingMama]

It's good to see this thread out there. I am joining after my wife's most recent episode with self harm (drinking, head hitting, self bruising). She will take the self-harm as far as necessary to prevent me from expressing my own distress and spousal emotional needs, especially when it's really bad for me, so it is a manipulative environment. I blame PTSD not her true self. I have my own anxiety and minor depression as well. If I ever had a nervous breakdown and required hospitalization, I believe her own self-harm could go to an extreme. She needs to be able to express her thoughts and threats of separation and divorce constantly but I cannot, lest the violence ensue. It is a numbing and heavy way to live.

I have moderate to severe ADHD. I am now self-diagnosing with vicarious trauma on top of my own issues. The boundaries she needs I cannot enforce consistently, and the cues I need she resents. We are just lovely and charm the world with our 4-year old when things are well, and when things are not it's a mini pit of hell. We are both highly educated and use clinical language both as coping and as cover-up. There are so many layers it will never untangle and I'm trying to accept this now. Disorganized finances, scattered social life, and no room for my own feelings. There is mental illness at various degrees in both our families. My wife is constantly comparing me to her ex as well, especially as I unwittingly adopt the same coping mechanisms, especially the unhealthy ones.

Right now I am focusing on providing a safe environment, where I don't mention my stress (especially caused by her behavior), where her normal brain can take control. When there is no stress, she is the woman I fell in love with. As soon as possible, more openly I plan to work on the tremendous role PTSD plays in our life together without blaming the person. I'm working on shedding the bitterness of being left with my own emotions for long periods.

She refuses therapy for it but we are in couple's therapy. There is a fair amount of denial. She manages to keep the focus away from PTSD so my current strategy is to bring it back front-and-center and let the chips fall. Again, with love and compassion, not blame.

At least, we both (all 3 of us) cry easily, so that can bring temporary relief.

I was wondering if my spouse joined this forum.

I have complex PTSD. He has very very severe ADHD and you described a lot of our dynamic. It is a roller coaster. I need safety and stability and he inherently cannot do that with any consistency, looks to me as the stabilizing force and that can be impossible. He does things that trigger me and doesn't realize it so he thinks my actions come out if nowhere (or he doesn't actually understand the cause and effect relationship of his behavior) and ADHD causes emotion regulation problems too. It's very difficult.

He is like you compassionate for me except sometimes in the moment he forgets where my vitriol is coming from. He probably feels like he isn't allowed to have any needs as well. The problem for me is that he craps all over a feeling of safety quite regularly even unintentionally and it is hard to make space for him when my stuff is triggered so frequently.

But when it's good there's so much empathy and tenderness.

I hope things can improve for your family.

 

[Gs172003]

This is exactly the thread I needed.

I have ADHD, fiance has C-PTSD. I feel scattered all the time. I forget, I can't keep a routine and then there flare-ups in my depression.

He's great - mostly. He's learned to manage his C-PTSD so well that sometimes I can't even recognize what's happening until it's too late.

I had one therapist say, "It'll never work. You'll always be fighting and hyper-volatile." Part of that is true but our Couples Therapist is great and thinks we can make it work if we put the effort into it.

I'm finally at a point where I realize that I need my own help for coaching and therapy in order to make the progress and show up the right way... blahhhh...

My brother is very ADHD and married with three kids. It can work you but have to find what works for you to help you with your symptoms. He has to deal with his and then you meet somewhere in the middle. It's not easy but not impossible.