Wisdomhunter
New Here
Hello everyone. I lost my Mum 10 months ago. I lived with her all my life and was her main carer for 6 years. In the last year of her life she had cancer and what we went through with her was so awful I can’t bear to think about it. I saw things I never even imagined could happen in the body of another person never mind the person I loved most. Some of it she was unaware of herself and I had to hide my reaction to what I was seeing and my fear of what I was told could happen to not upset her. They told me the tumour could perforate her bowel at any time, or could perforate a major artery resulting in catastrophic bleeding which would have haemorrhaged through open wounds she had in her abdomen. She would have been gone in minutes if that happened so I lived in constant fear. Even the district nurses struggled with what they were seeing happen to her. She wanted to be at home so I pushed it all down to do my best for her. I would do it all again for her sake but it was a horrendous time. In the end she suffered a major stroke and died peacefully 3 days later at home with my sister and me by her side.
Almost immediately after she died I started to have awful flashbacks to things that happened. I wasn’t sleeping well anyway but I kept waking up in the night thinking she was calling me. My anxiety levels went out of control. I managed to start bereavement counselling through the Palliative care service that attended my Mum. I was struggling with increasing suicidal ideation which is a long term issue for me so felt I needed the support. My counsellor is wonderful but everything has become so much worse since I started going. She told me I am having a traumatic response to all that happened. I didn’t understand that as the trauma happened to my Mum, not me, but she said it is vicarious trauma. However she also seems to think there was some trauma in my childhood. I dissociate badly in sessions (I didn’t know what it was called until a couple of months ago) and I feel as if I’m living in another dimension to everyone else most of the time. She also seems to think the anxiety issues I have had all my life, recurrent bouts of depression, chronic pain and a serious phobia I have are all symptoms. Until a couple of months ago I just thought all those were just things that made my life more difficult, I didn’t know they added up to any kind of diagnosis. I am now also taking medication for anxiety and depression. I’m not sure about the idea of childhood trauma because I had a good family and wonderful parents and no recollection of anything bad happening. I just don’t understand why all this is crowding in on me now, at the most difficult time of my life? I just want to grieve but I am so overwhelmed with anxiety, the struggle to stay present and the battle with thoughts of ending it all that I just feel numb about the loss and can’t even cry. I am self harming too which I haven’t done in years. There is no one I can talk to about any of this. It’s a nightmare and I don’t know how I’m going to make it. I’m just taking a day at a time and choosing to live for the day I’m in. I am a Christian and have a strong faith so that is something I hold onto. I’ve read some threads on here and can see I have a lot to learn, but also that others have been through so much worse and learned how to cope in life so that has encouraged me to hope that it’ll get better. I’m grateful for that..
Almost immediately after she died I started to have awful flashbacks to things that happened. I wasn’t sleeping well anyway but I kept waking up in the night thinking she was calling me. My anxiety levels went out of control. I managed to start bereavement counselling through the Palliative care service that attended my Mum. I was struggling with increasing suicidal ideation which is a long term issue for me so felt I needed the support. My counsellor is wonderful but everything has become so much worse since I started going. She told me I am having a traumatic response to all that happened. I didn’t understand that as the trauma happened to my Mum, not me, but she said it is vicarious trauma. However she also seems to think there was some trauma in my childhood. I dissociate badly in sessions (I didn’t know what it was called until a couple of months ago) and I feel as if I’m living in another dimension to everyone else most of the time. She also seems to think the anxiety issues I have had all my life, recurrent bouts of depression, chronic pain and a serious phobia I have are all symptoms. Until a couple of months ago I just thought all those were just things that made my life more difficult, I didn’t know they added up to any kind of diagnosis. I am now also taking medication for anxiety and depression. I’m not sure about the idea of childhood trauma because I had a good family and wonderful parents and no recollection of anything bad happening. I just don’t understand why all this is crowding in on me now, at the most difficult time of my life? I just want to grieve but I am so overwhelmed with anxiety, the struggle to stay present and the battle with thoughts of ending it all that I just feel numb about the loss and can’t even cry. I am self harming too which I haven’t done in years. There is no one I can talk to about any of this. It’s a nightmare and I don’t know how I’m going to make it. I’m just taking a day at a time and choosing to live for the day I’m in. I am a Christian and have a strong faith so that is something I hold onto. I’ve read some threads on here and can see I have a lot to learn, but also that others have been through so much worse and learned how to cope in life so that has encouraged me to hope that it’ll get better. I’m grateful for that..