Other Ptsd and agoraphobia

[Jazz60]

I have developed agoraphobia as a result of the PTSD and the chronic anxiety. Cognitive Behavioural therapy suggests that the more you expose yourself to what you fear (in my case its mainly leaving the house but a whole lot besides) the more the fear should subside.

However, I have been going to university for over three years (by cab as I cannot use public transport) and the fear doesn't seem to subside. I still never sleep the night before (as I fear I will have nightmares which would render me completely unable to go), I am still really anxious about leaving the house. I have irritable bowel and bladder and constantly pace until the cab arrives. I need to have the exact money out and ready in case I forget to pay the driver (because my anxiety is so high I might forget) I have my coat on 20-30 minutes before and have to keep taking it off to go to the loo. I am anxious because I don't know who my driver will be and whether or not he is a relaxed driver, as I am seriously affected by other people's moods.

I sometimes think this will never get easier, how will I ever be able to work again (its been 16 years). I am usually okay when I get to uni as they have a brilliant disability support and I am so interested and focused on the lectures that the anxiety goes into the background.

Is this common among PTSD sufferers? Or am I the only one? Does anyone have any suggestions that might help?

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Jazz60!

You're not alone!
I struggle with agoraphobia. The intensity changes. I've had to take cabs, and I can barely cope prior to their arriving, and am a mess inside by the time they arrive. I'm very grateful to be able to drive myself, instead of relying on cabs.
If someone else drives, my anxiety levels are really elevated. I have been so frightened of unknown cab drivers that I've dissociated, can't speak, and shake.

If I engage the driver in conversation about him/her, that works great. The cabbie relaxes, and so do I, which makes the trip so much easier! I've made some really neat connections during the drive, when I am able to do it. One cab driver enjoyed our conversation so much (about his hopes and dreams) that he refused to take my money. (He was very sweet, and I remember him to this day.)

The good thing is that nothing bad has ever happened to me when in a cab; so it shows me that my fear and hypervigilance is really not needed.

It's wonderful that you're going to university!
Warmly,
deer

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Jazz60,

The one thing about extinguishing fears is that you have to face it and feel the fear- if you skip that latter step ('steel-yourself') they won't extinguish. In other words you have to do it, feel lousy (don't self-medicate), and then see that what you feared doesn't happen.

I find that deep-breathing, grounding techniques and thinking of others helps too.

Much luck to you! Keep persevering!

 

[Deleted member 5760]

I suffer agoraphobia too Jazz60. I'm actually quite good with people once I'm forced into the situation, BUT, I really hide out in a big way. I admire the fact you're even going to university. Don't forget to give yourself a pat on the back for that. I think people who don't suffer it don't understand how hard it is to simply walk down the street sometimes when you have agoraphobia. So if you're making an effort to study and mix with people that's facing a huge fear in itself.

I agree with DIH that it might actually be a good idea to talk to the cab driver when you get in the cab. Even if it's just a 'Hi. How far into your shift are you?', etc. You'll soon know if he/she feels like conversation. Also maybe just knowing you broke the ice will lessen the anxiety for you because the 'silence' has been lessened in some way.

 

[Jazz60]

Thanks for your support guys. I do always try to break the ice with the drivers and I too am good with people once I'm there but I never go out unless I have to. For instance, not going to uni would cause me more anxiety, as I feel its the only thing that keeps me sane and keeps the depression at bay.

I think my main problem is that I have soooo many conditions I need to meet (such as not keeping the driver waiting, so that I won't upset him) and having the exact money ready (so I can pay and go) etc. that I may be fuelling the anxiety somehow, I'm not sure if I am making any sense hear but its like I am doing everthing in my power to avoid facing any more anxiety that I am actually giving the anxiety more power. But I don't know how to stop it. I do deep breathing and stuff but it doesn't work, I still hyperventilate. I really want to get over this.

Its so frustrating when I really want to do something (like go to uni) yet it is such an ordeal. I still feel that I should be able to shake this off, I don't know why. But my anxiety levels never drop below about 6 or 7 (10 being a full blown panic attack) even when I am at home and even when I have had acupuncture or hypnotherapy. So when I'm actually facing something it really doesn't take much for me to have a panic.

It feels like I'm jumping out of the window because there is a fire in the house but its not something that I would want or be able to do on a daily basis (does that make sense?).

Anyway I'm really happy and proud of myself that I joined this forum, thats a huge leap of faith for me. I'm still not sure how everything on the site works yet, so please forgive me if I'm not displaying the proper etiquette. I really hope that I can be supportive to other sufferers too. Just be patient with me as I need to build up my confidence.

Thanks again.

 

[anni]

Funny when one sees something given it's correct term. I just do not much like leaving the house, and sort of make a ritual out of it when I do. My husband can just put his coat on, grab his keys and there he goes! That's amazing to me. It's so odd to read others do these things, of setting up all the eventualites they'll meet once out there, like the correct coinage, etc. I always have my credit card ( check 3 times to make sure ) in the top slot of my wallet, so I can pay at the store with zero thought, allll my car information is in another wallet within reach when I'm driving ( insurance, registration, etc.) because what if I get pulled over for something, God Forbid? The dam phone has to be charged up AND bottled water in the car for whatever 'what if' THAT is in my head. Does my head think I'm going to be stranded in a snow drift in the middle of the summer? I won't even get into the pepper spray and riding crop, and where they HAVE to be when I go out. These things are terribly automatic now, but if missing I'm sort of a mess. There's more, too boring to list.

It feels like most of this is in aid of not having to interface too much while 'out there'. It also feels like I then kind of get to reward myself by going home. Like you, however, I DO get out there, and like I said even if the rituals are there ( and gosh, would like them not to be. Someday....) at least it doesn't feel as awful as it used to. I might LIKE being here a whole lot more ( LOTS more ) but through time, which I supposes consists of exposure, it's just not as bad on a daily basis as it used to be. I think my head now just says 'Rats, I have to go out' rather than 'Um, you're not going anywhere today, Ma'am'.

Well done on the University front, too! I realize it doesn't feel like it, but everytime you do get out of that door, it really is another day closer to your head healing enough to make the functions more automatic and less emotional, I think. Everyone is different, I know, but this is what the case has been for me over the years.

Take care,

Anni

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Anni, I do the whole 'keys - check.. swipe card for elevator and foyer - check... wallet - check.... phone - check' when I leave my apartment too. Why? Because if I forget any of these things I might be trapped outside and wont be able to get back in. I can't help myself.

Sometimes I think if I could somehow bottle the energy I use worrying about these things I swear I could power an entire city for a couple of days.. hehe.

The other thing I do is try not to put it off because the anticipation is almost worse than the 'doing'. It just gives me more time to get worked up and nervous about it. I remember in school I would hate when we had to do speeches. I'd want to say 'can't I turn in 5 written essays instead'. Sometimes I'd ask to go first. Why - to get it over and done with!

Glad to have you with us Jazz60. A lot of people here will understand. You're right that making yourself go is healthy. It's a form of exposure therapy in itself I think because you're forcing yourself to face your fears (not an easy thing to do).

 

[Jazz60]

Thanks for your replies guys. I also do the key checks and mobile phone check etc.

 

[Abrasky]

Good on you for perservering with going out. You still get all those good experiences like university that you know are doing you really good.

I have PTSD and the first 4 years of the PTSD(I've had PTSD for 13 years now) I had agoraphobia. It developed about 2 years after I started having symptoms of PTSD. I didn't want to talk to my friends for the this one indivual day so I stayed in my room. I didn't want to go to this one individual lecture so I stayed on my bed. Eventually I wouldn't leave my house and was afraid to go and hang out the washing on the line. If I went off my couch I would start to hyperventilate and had panic attacks all day. One month I only left the house 3 times.

I found the best thing initially for the agoraphobia was antideppreppressants and persevering with it. A book by Clarie Weekes called Complete Self Help for Your nerves was a book I read a lot and found helpful. It's nice to know that going out is really good, it is good for you going to uni, walks all that.
I did a 3 years of psychodynamic therapy which is where they find out what feelings you have that are in your subconsious to and bring them to your concsious for my PTSD. My agoraphobia gradually went away. I don't have it anymore, I occasionally have a feeling of wanting to stay inside but not the full blown anxiety before.

My agoraphobia came hand in hand with my PTSD I think. When , I was attacked for having opportunities, going to uni, and going out, so it sought of became an unconsous reason behind the strong pain and feelings trapped in the PTSD dragon I suppose. Having agoraphobia is the worst thing, especially if it comes with panic attacks. Take care.

 

[Nora]

I never connected obsessive house-leaving rituals with my agoraphobia! I always do that... spending so much time maximizing the utility of what is what pocket, thinking of every single thing I will need on my journey and making sure I know where it is on my person.

I also don't seem to be able to leave the house without a concrete, external reason. I hate that feeling, because then it's like I don't have control over my life and am subject to the whims of the universe. When I was dealing with depression, it was hard to leave the house for entirely different reasons. Once I was outside, it was a victory and made everything better. I scuttle home now more quickly and feel more vulnerable outside than before.

 

[Nishkaa]

Hi Jazz60,
I'm glad your enjoying the university lectures, that's cool. It's also good that you do get out and get to enjoy the reward of school.

I'm hit with agoraphobia too, it's worse when I've been withdrawing longer, as it does take a lot more energy then to get out the door. I also get hit with IBS, and that's frustrating when I'm trying to leave the door.

I have my "safety zones" out there, places I feel comfortable to navigate through, but I really struggle with unfamiliar places. I need to download maps to know exactly the route I'm going. I also try to figure out where the coffee shops and bookstores are a long the way, as those are safe places for me to go, if I'm starting to panic. I'm equipped with fast acting "ativan" that I keep inside a locket necklace that I wear. I also carry a personal alarm with me, which gives me a sense of added protection-- enough to deter an attack (my trauma that gets booted up for me has to do with a couple of stranger assaults).

The other thing that's challenging is the trauma, from the misfortune of being traumatized 'out there'; the scariest thing for me is when I dissociate, and I can serious get lost lost and disoriented-- so that maps are important for me to have on hand. What scares me about my symptoms, is the loss of control, and the fear of being vulnerable, so suceptible to harm.

So I have 'safety plans', I identify safe spots to retreat to (at university, I used the washroom, if I was shaking too much, other times, I realized it's not that noticeable, don't worry it passes, and I am safe, this is a public space).

The other thing is the practice of mindfulness, being aware of my internal states and what's going on around me.

 

[MamaBear]

I am so glad I found this site!!! I used to be able to pack a big bag, grab my kids, get in the truck and just drive for a long weekend. Now, I have to have my husband or children go with me anywhere but my Ts office and Lord help me if I lose sight of them! Work is getting harder. I am absolutely terrified to leave the house. Intellectually, I know nothing is going to happen to me, but there are so many people "out there". I know they aren't the ones that hurt me, but I can't seem to shake it.