Ptsd And Cleaning Is A Flashback Trigger

[radicalgratitude]

As much as I wonder along with Solara about handling the college thing, at the same time, I wonder if it would be your ticket out. Could you move on campus (away from him) and develop a new support system?

 

[FabulousEnding]

See, that's the thing... My father is a full blown messed up sociopath who worshiped hitler. I know how to tell if someone is like that right off the bat. It's just my boyfriend has trauma issues too, and he has been reluctant to seek help for it. But I've been able to really get through to him a few times now. I dunno. He's on probation but he's got to earn the right to be in a relationship with me. I dunno. Hopefully we can work it out. I can't handle up rooting my entire life again... separating the animals who all love each other, his family who tells me I'm part of their family (his sis even refers to me as her sis-in-law), and not to mention I finally have the right counselor and I can't handle switching to a new treatment center all over again. I've developed trust in both my psychiatrist and my trauma recovery specialist therapist. It would just be horrific to uproot, and like I told him... I will leave if I have to protect myself because I'm not going to stay in an emotionally toxic environment. Either he takes down his walls and learns how to trust me and let me in, or I'm going to leave... because I'm not committing myself to someone who is so self-destructive they will back me in a corner trying to find evidence that I'm not trustworthy. Either his walls or me... that was the ultimatum I gave him this morning. Even his best friend told him today to stop treating me like I was making mistakes that I've never made and wouldn't make.

I'm trying to train my dog (his dog originally lol) to be a tiny chihuahua service dog. She really really really wants the job, so I'm giving her a shot to do the training. :) She watched 2 hours of training videos with me and was entranced almost the entire time. Since she saw repeatedly human asks for trick then they do it, clicker goes off and the dog gets a treat... I didn't have to teach her that because she learned it from watching TV. Perhaps she is way smarter than I realize! lol

 

[Friday]

I've traded cleaning (or household management: cooking, cleaning, babysitting) for rent... But it's a very dangerous thing, because it sets up an unequal relationship; that of employer & employee. Something that can work out with a stranger or friend you don't mind losing... Definitely not the dynamic you want in a romantic relationship. Pretty much nothing else sets the stage for an abusive relationship better than that except for a KISA (knight in shining armor... Jumping from one extremely abusive relationship into another. "But he/she is sooooooo much better than dad/husband/boyfriend who was already deep in the abuse cycle with me", when the bar is set so low to begin with, lowers the bar even further... Because you can start still in the abuse cycle, and not even see it. Because it's "better".).

Ditto @Mystery... Major red flags waving here.

I'm hoping for the best, but please do keep in mind...that while trauma causes PTSD, it also creates Sociopathy.

 

[FabulousEnding]

Actually, I haven't had an abusive relationship in quite some time... Not since 2010. I didn't start dating for a couple of years, and encountered a narcissist... Then stopped dating or getting involved with anyone at all for another 1 full year. Both the men and women I dated (and befriended) last year were highly supportive, would be there for me immediately if I needed them, never spoke down to me, accepted all my sides, understood my mental illness (my ex-gf was a counselor lol), etc. After my injury, even though we broke up my ex-girlfriend used to come over and help me take my wheelchair down the stairs and take me to target so I could do grocery shopping since I couldn't walk. Another guy I befriended who had a crush on me was amazing to me. In fact, my last boyfriend in particular was absolutely amazing! Most incredible character... did everything with respect, honor, trust, and was incredibly reliable. He used to handle my episodes beautifully and supported my independence... First suicidal bout I had while him and I were dating was after the breakup. He came over and held me and with tears in his eyes told me he couldn't handle it if I hurt myself and that it would absolutely end him. He then proceeded to clean my entire house for me because I was so overwhelmed, brought me a huge daisy plant, and a bag of all my favorite foods. The breakup was hard on both of us but he went off to med school so we had to end things. I'm actually used to being treated ridiculously and exceptionally well. Don't get me wrong I've had a few bouts of bad people that I could easily see they were bad but ignored my gut, definitely learned my lesson then. BUT I also had one where I went out on a date with this gorgeous guy and I could tell he was a psycho after the first date... never spoke to him again and blocked his number. Men have made moves on me in private and I say get your hands off me or no I'm not doing that with you.

Unfortunately, I'm used to being objectified big time, but when it comes to relationships, I am treated very well according to my own standards. I put my foot down QUICK if I don't like the way I'm being treated. I have no problems saying, "I love you, but this crap you're doing right here is a giant red flag. I'm not going to be with someone who treats me like xyz. So either stop it permanently or you'll lose me." I have no problems with the word no LOL.

My boyfriend's best friend even told him to lighten up and that I'm demanding normal human things. Hell, if he loves me... 3 years from now, I'll be able to look back and said he stopped doing that behavior 3 years ago. Otherwise, I'm out.

 

[Fadeaway]

This is an excellent thread.

Because of past abuse, I can clean when alone, but if anyone is watching me, I get so self conscious of making a mistake, I freeze up and can't do anything. Logically I know that nowadays that I am not going to be hurt for using to much soap or not enough, or being "inefficient," but I still can't get past that.

Finding a man that could understand that was a must for me. I am very lucky to have a partner who sees household chores as a team effort instead of woman's work. He works, I don't, yet he still does 50% percent of the housework if not more sometimes.

When ever I get down on myself for feeling like I am not doing my share around the house, he always goes out of his way to point out things I have done to contribute to the household that I wouldn't have thought twice about. For example, handling paperwork, remembering when bills are due, setting up appointments for things, ect.

I am pointing this out because that is what a healthy, supportive person does.

 

[FabulousEnding]

Weird how abusive parents seem to use the cleaning as an excuse.

Look, I know there are flags and I tell him to stop it every time he does one of them. But I mentally can't handle uprooting myself with no income. Even then I would be stuck here... His dog is my service dog, the college is nearby, I have the right therapist, etc. I'm stuck here while I go to college. Yes I know he's constantly mad at me about something and I can't win, but I just ignore it and focus on improving.

I suppose I could get housing and adopt that lab I was thinking about for my service dog. I don't feel those same sparks for him that I used to feel. I'm just going through the motions, basically. I will see what my therapist says.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you are using excuses for staying with him. You can attempt to do all the healing in the world, but the truth of the matter is that when you are stuck in an abusive situation, you're not really healing as opposed to treading water. I had to learn that lesson myself. Yes, its good that you are going to therapy and going to college, but I think that getting out of an abusive relationship trumps everything else. I've seen other people want to get to the finish line so badly that they know what they need to do to get there, but they do it in a backwards sort of order or take on everything all at once. Honestly, you have NO idea how much better you will get just within the first few weeks of being in a safe environment. I hope you can find such a safe environment so you don't have to stay with this abusive arse. Could you look into a shelter?

My advice? Look for a way to get through your cleaning flashback issue since you're not willing to leave this ass anytime soon.

 

[FabulousEnding]

I have no family, no friends that can help, no money, I can't take care of myself, and I have 3 ESA cats I could never ever ever ever get rid of. I've already talked to local housing and unless I have an income (still waiting on SSDI to process), they can't help me with anything. The relationship is unhealthy at times, yes, but abusive is a bit of a stretch. It's in my best interest to repair the relationship and get him in counseling for his trauma issues and work on mine. It's easy for people who don't know the life you've led or how your life is now to judge, but I don't know you and condemning me for this situation I'm in sounds a bit like you're being triggered about something in your own life. I am where I am and I have to accept it. There are no shelters that take animals, I have no money and no family and none of the organizations will help me... Tell me, where on earth would I go? On the street so I can get raped and lose my cats or live out of my car, or consider prostitution to survive? Having an insecure boyfriend is better than that. Before him I was about to have an interview with an escort company because I'm so disabled I couldn't work, and men think my looks and body are all I'm good for. It's easy to chastise behind the screen of computer, but don't judge. Yes, he drives me crazy and I'm forcing him to get better, but it is soooooooooooo much better from where I was and could be right now.

 

[shandemonium]

Hey girl I just had an idea about your cats and I thought I would share!

If you do like my idea and want to try it, OF COURSE be super careful and diligent about how you handle interviewing and meeting potential candidates (because this involves the internet!).

What if you posted an ad on Craigslist very briefly explaining that you live in an unsafe environment and are planning to leave. You basically need a temporary home for your cats until you can get your own place, for an unknown amount of time. There might be some lonely old lady (that would be ideal) who will help you and, in exchange, you offer to do a certain amount of cleaning or yard work per week for payment. You should also try and scrape together some cash (I know you don't have much, but even sneaking 5 here and there to save for this) and buy a lot of cat food and litter for this person. You stock them up for the beginning, and pay for their care in the form of labor and help. This is especially good for elderly people who might also be isolated from their families and need help in this way.

Considering your situation and the offer of payment in the form of taking care of someone's lawn etc. you might find a good person out there who would do this. Just please be safe and meet the person at a coffee place like giving a job interview. Check their ID and make sure you put something in writing.

I know this might be controversial, and potentially dangerous so BE CAREFUL. I can tell you though that I have met artists, mechanics, roommates, my plumber, all through Craigslist and I live in a big city where lots of scary stuff happens. If you are safe and smart, a plan like this could work out very well.

A quick story related to this:
I lived in a trailer for a while and parked around, getting harassed by crackheads and also the police for illegal city camping. I was so scared and not sure what to do, and then by the grace of something, I met a blind woman who had a nerve disorder and was mostly wheelchair bound. She could walk short distances and see outlines, but her disorder made it so she couldn't cook or do basic things like write checks. She lived in the hood and her slumlord didn't even build a wheelchair ramp (which means she would die in a fire, Illegal but happens here all the time!)

We met and instantly liked each other. I ended up living in her driveway which was heaven compared to railroad track-encampment-shit and I did all her housework. I cleaned, rearranged furniture, took out the trash, cooked, and her and I became great friends. My cleaning for her never triggered me because she was all LOVE. She sadly died a year after that of aortic aneurism.

We met through someone I met via Craigslist. So all I'm saying is, I know there's scary bad stuff from CL but there's also good stories. Just be careful (Did I write that enough times lol?)

 

[FabulousEnding]

I wish I could do that... I probably would have stayed in the big city instead of moving to this small town. However, when I mean I can't take care of myself... I mean I can't help clean almost at all. It's really hard for me. I have about 5 flashbacks a day. Just earlier today I completely disassociated for 10 full seconds to a neutral memory and thought I was somewhere else. I have also never mowed a lawn in my life and have actually never touched a lawn mower. My boyfriend pretty much does everything around the house... hence why he was wanting me to do all of it for a change. Sometimes he even does my laundry for me. Like I said... It's bad and he puts up with a lot with my conditions. Hence why I know some behaviors are unhealthy, but the amount of shit he does for me is extensive. Right now he's paying for the cat food, the cat litter too and cleans the cat box. Hence why this original post was about cleaning being a trigger because I can't do it at all. He's compromised and was like at least TRY to clean one thing a day, like clean off the coffee table or something. It's really really really really hard for me. I disassociate pretty damn bad. When I get my student financial aid in, I plan on paying $1,000 of it to help with bills since I have contributed almost nothing financially. :( I hope I get on SSDI!!

That's why I jumped on what's the person's name because calling him abusive is a stretch. Yes, he complains too much and is bratty and pouts if I don't read his mind, but that's just annoying crap. He is trying though. He sees how hard I work towards my conditions and doesn't always understand and says assholish things about it, but then realizes he was wrong and is like oh shit sorry. I have really bad PTSD... hard to judge reality sometimes. It's complicated. I'm not in any danger though. We spent 3 years being friends and getting to know one another first, so we're kind of used to each other.

 

[FabulousEnding]

My point was yesterday that since I can't take care of myself in a lot of ways... I put up with shit I don't like because he's a carer in a way. Yes he's a huge asshole sometimes and goes nutty himself because he refuses to get psych treatment (it's so obvious he needs meds). Before I got on the right combo of meds I was a giant asshole and putting him down all of the time, but then I would cry and say I was sorry because I couldn't control my own brain. I got on the right meds and haven't done that in months.

Our relationship is highly dysfunctional because we both have major trauma issues. I mean his step dad actually tried to kill him when he was a teenager.

I'm not making excuses and I would so much rather be alone most days. I joke with him all of the time that how is it I'm the psych patient and he's needier than me. I hate how he doesn't want me to have any friends (yes sign of control). I'm disabled. I can't trade cleaning for housing because I can't be reliable. And until I graduate with this degree that is $40k-$50k a year immediately after graduation, I'm stuck.

My point is it sucks and he can be a real ass and refuses psych treatment and I can't talk to him about shit because it triggers his own trauma memories he runs away from..., but this is just how it is. Despite the relationship troubles, at least I have my cats and biotech school and an amazing therapist. Could be worse and it has been way worse in the past. It is what it is.