Ptsd And Depression In A Relationship

[Ibo]

I met somebody (online first, then in person) who disclosed that they suffered from PTSD and severe depression. Because the behavior came accross as normal to me, and in person seemed just fine, I never made anything of it. I was naive and did not do any research on what these disorders meant and how they affect relationships. Everything was fine, lots of good experiences and when with this person, I couldn't tell that there were any issues. I felt comfortable, and eventually a tremendous bond of affection and love developed. Then it happened. It was 'the big change' as some have termed it. The mood swings, the communication, and behavior all changed.

I sensed being 'pushed' away to a certain extent, but more importantly, just lack of communication, and a refusal to answering to questions when being confronted. Also I noticed that this person constantly texted or spoke without emotion and I am the opposite. Eventually I said I needed time and wanted to put the breaks on the relationship, and there was an immediate response asking me to reconsider. Then I said I'd write up and email addressing issues that I needed answers to. The response never came. I waited weeks and nothing. Finally - I responded in anger, and said things that were harsh and criticized inability to communicate as a main reason I was walking away from the relationship.

Then ofcourse I sat down and started researching and reading and realized how wrong my approach was, and that I had made some mistakes of my own. I tried apologizing and visiting, but to no avail. This person says they want to hang on to the pleasant memories and wants to be left alone. "I am tired now" is another response I got. To me - it seems as if this is the depression and affects of PTSD in play here. I feel hurt, and I also know I hurt this person, but it seems to me as if there is really no effort to resolve on the other end. I am confused, don't know what to do and don't know if I should just let the dust settle and reach out again or if I should just accept the situation as it is and walk away knowing there is nothing I can do. I'm miss this person very much.

 

[Baze]

I would suggest you take a look at some of the supporter threads to see what the challenges are. Mind you, each individual and their traumas and where they are in their healing (if in therapy) vary greatly. No two days are the same.

Think twice. But also, like any other relationship, you can't force anything to happen. Best of luck.

 

[Idu]

This person says they want to hang on to the pleasant memories and wants to be left alone. "I am tired now" is another response I got. To me - it seems as if this is the depression and affects of PTSD in play here. I feel hurt, and I also know I hurt this person, but it seems to me as if there is really no effort to resolve on the other end.

I'm a sufferer, not a supporter.

At times I can't think things through and answer people's concerns. I can respond with something though. I can say I'm sorry, but I can't talk about it right now and need some time alone.

Bear in mind it's possible that exactly the same thing would have happened if you hadn't got angry. This person might have got tired and want to be alone now anyway even if you'd said nothing. Sounds like they were already starting to withdraw by not communicating and not responding to your email for weeks. You could be posting now saying you were supportive and helping them and they cut you off. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but that's what it can be like, being with someone with PTSD and depression.

I think what you asked for and got angry about was a healthy general reaction to what was going on. OK, you didn't know to expect that behaviour, but it's good that you wanted more from the relationship and asked for that. You have feelings too.

I think there can only be some future if/when the other person is willing to make an effort too. One person can't run a relationship all by themselves.

I'm sorry it hurts so much.

 

[Eluk]

Thanks for the responses - I appreciate the insight. I'm learning a lot by reading all I can on this forum as well as doing more research, but the reality is it's over - and as one has to be objective and practical, it takes two to move forward, no matter how badly the other person wants it, in the end it takes two.

 

[Cewa]

I am sorry for your hurting. The end to any significant relationship is painful.

I am a sufferer.

Since the other person has not responded, in my opinion, that means its a no go. What is there issues belongs to them. Yours in yours. I would look into myself and ask why I am pursuing this when the person is obviously unresponsive.

I don't mean to be harsh. Most people want to be in a relationship and that is what life is about. Yet so often, people ask what is wrong with the partner and how to fix things. I tend to ask myself things such as-why do I want to be with someone who does xyz, why am I willing to tolerate a, b and c.

I am also very wary of the on line dating. People portray what they are not. Some people have the ability to say they suffer from something in a matter of fact way which is minimizing. I think it is wise to consider/practice dialogue in hindsight. Knowing what you know now, what would you ask when told this? What is this like for you? how does it effect you? Whether its physical or mental-its the same, or can be.

I have a friend with a diabetic husband that does all the wrong things. She is constantly trying to convince him to live healthier. It becomes like having a relationship with a child. They went to marraige counseling and the therapist told her to stop nagging and increase his life insurance. I agree-cold as that may sound. Who wants to be in an intimate relationship with someone who acts like a child, that you have to hide cookies from?

Im sure my response is not the popular one, but I think we need to look at ourselves first. If we are ignored, move on. If someone hits you, they dont love you. We, I am guilty, of going against good common sense. Right now as a sufferer-I am not relationship material. I need to get my life back and there is no room for baggage of another, not because I am so selfish, but it would cause me to have to analyze which is my issue and which is his. Being alone is tough at times. Yet I know that I need to work on myself. Believe me, I have moments of fantasy that I would like a Knight in shining armor-reality is, I have work to do.

 

[Eluk]

Thanks, I appreciate all points of view, and yes I agree it's extremely important to look at ourselves and scrutinize our own behavior as well. Something I must point out is that during that long wait for the email response, there was communication on a weekly basis. I wasn't being ignored, and I can also look back and say this individual doesn't like to be confronted. Somehow all questions get interpreted as anger on my part, and I found myself walking on eggshells. Regardless, what's done is done - I can't undo what I did or said, and I know I hurt him unintentionally by walking away intially and blaming it on his communication or lack there of... now knowing what I do know, it's easy to look back and wish you had handled certain situations differently. Ultimately, to be in a happy healthy relationship, your needs have to be met, and you have to be capable of reaching out to your partner in doing the same for them. In my case it just wasn't happening. I've more or less washed my hands of this, but I feel battered in a way, and there is still a lot of unresolved anger on my part, but I'm hoping to just relax over the holidays and hope all goes well in the future.

 

[Pipo]

In my experience with a sufferer and as a carer once there gone there gone. My boyfriend has not talked or responded to any of my messages in months. I'm not sure its even PTSD because he communicates with everyone else except for me. I'm starting to think maybe this is what he wants.