General Ptsd And Disability (being Short Of Hearing), Advice From People With Fear Of Crowds Welcome

[Crystal1234]

So my husband has been diagnosed with PTSD and he is also short of hearing. He is a young man and does not enjoy this because he thinks it is for old people.
So he had a lot of problems with crowds in the past but now he has gotten better.

Being short of hearing makes this problems worse because he cannot figure what is going on.

I wanted to go a certain place where I had been with my friends before and enjoyed it very much but he did not want to go. For several weeks I tried to persuade him and finally I did.

So we went. The waiter asked my husband a question but he did not understand her and answered a different question, this happened two times and then I told the waiter "I am sorry, my husband is short of hearing". He did not like it and seemed to feel uncomfortable and he later complained about it.

On our way home he sighed and sighed again. When I asked him what it was he just shook his head and sighed again.

At home he his in his bed under the cover. He typically does not act this way.

So he told me the waitress will think he is a cripple and told me he sometimes thinks so too and is afraid people will not respect him.

Weeks later we ran into the waitress again by chance and he tried very hard to look at his shoes and not notice her.

Here are my questions:

Was it wrong of me to persuade him to go this place? People have been telling me so.

What is it like for you or your loved one having PTSD and a disability which makes them feel more helpless?

Thanks!

 

[tassarax]

In my experience, which isn't a lot, I am hard of hearing as well and also not good at getting out much but what makes it worse for me is staying in for too long to the point where I make the outside world much more of a demon in my own head than it really is. It's always good to try and get your loved one to get active and go out into the world, avoiding is never a good thing. It is not your fault. As for the hearing situation, no one is that heartless (at least not anymore). The waitress for sure was not thinking about the incident even a second past when it happened and even if she did I'm sure it wasn't in an ill way.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet is disabled from combat. He's visibly injured, and has to depend on a cane. He's had the cane since his late 20s/ early 30s. He also has some hearing loss and TBIs that effect his memory and cognition.

He gets frustrated about it because he was a big, physically fit, active young man when he was injured. He identifies as a "cripple" as well. He feels emasculated when I have to carry in groceries, run and fetch things up and down stairs, or move furniture etc. He feels like an old man. He doesn't immediately "look" like a vet, he looks like a big scary biker, so people don't know he has combat injuries.

The reality of the situation is that he is disabled. Nothing is going to change that. He just has to cope. I had to learn how he liked to manage his disabilities and respect that. Like I can't coddle him because it pisses him off. He doesn't want to be treated like he is disabled. He usually refuses wheelchairs or walkers, so I know better than to push it, even if he is in obvious pain. And if he does have to use a wheelchair (like at the airport) I have to be patient with his temper, because he is going to be in a foul mood.

I'd just talk to your hubby and see how he'd like to manage his hearing loss in the future... because he's going to have to learn to deal with it. Maybe you can order for everybody in crowded restaurants so he doesn't have to deal with it. Or instead of saying he's short of hearing, say he has hearing damage, so it seems less like a defect and more of an injury. My vet does better with being called "injured" instead of "disabled."

I'd give him the choice and see what he thinks.

 

[Crystal1234]

Thank you @danniinnab and @Sweetpea76.

@danniinnab: Just what I think. Getting out is actually good for my guy and he enjoys it as long as nothing unforeseen (crowds, people noticing he is short of hearing and so on) happens. Much like you he is thinking that people are far more judgemental than they really are. How did you overcome your problems?

@Sweetpea76: Like yours mine was a big physically active and fit young man and he is still big and physically active. He works out. When people look at him they see a fit person. He is a bit vain and wears tight fitting shirts so that people can see his muscels... but then he is shorter hearing and he does not like it. He can work out and have a good body but he will always be short of hearing and no amount of willpower will change this.

He expects people to look down on him because he cannot hear well. I am sure they don't.

I did try to bring up the subject on a few occasions. Basically there have been two reactions:

"I don't see the problem. I could't care less. Why do YOU care? Clearly there is something wrong with you. Know, it does not influence my ability to work/defend you at all". Then I answer I never implied it would influence his ability to work or defend me and he asks me why I bring up the topic.

Or he says he is a cripple, one day he'll lose his job over it, he is no longer able defend me, I will leave him over it. All the people think he is a cripple.

He hates it when I bring up the topic.

 

[tassarax]

Thank you @danninab and @Sweetpea76.

@danninnab: Just what I think. Getting out is actually go...

I haven't overcome my problems at all yet because it takes one thing to be aware that I'm being irrational about going out and being around people and it's another thing trying to actually do what I think I should. Your guy will get there one day it just takes practice and someone to help push them a little, i.e; you.

 

[Werewoman]

Hi Crystal1234

In answer to your first question, no, you did nothing wrong. My husband/caregiver often has to push me into doing things I'm not comfortable with because of - pick one...anxiety, shame, fear, guilt...you get the idea. Sometimes I enjoy it while others, not so much.
Btw, he sounds hot! I love beefy guys. Lol!
in answer to your second question, yes, I have hearing problems in addition to my cptsd. Mine started in 2007. I was a teacher at the time and it started becoming more difficult to hear in my left ear. Long story short, after 5 or 6 ENT's, I finally found out what was wrong but by that time, I was stone cold deaf in that ear. Turns out it was a tumor and 4 hours of surgery later, I now have a titanium implant.
So yeah, I can relate to his embarrassment. My solution was to learn to read lips. I started with movies I really liked (Fifth Element and City of Angels, lol) and music videos (Sledgehammer is NOT a good choice :laugh:) since I already knew the words. It wasn't as hard as you might think and the added bonus is that you can see what people are saying...great for relieving paranoia.
I can hear pretty well now except for lower frequencies and everything sounds like my left ear is underwater all the time.
Best of luck to both of you. I think eventually he'll adjust with support from you. It also sounds like he's trying to push you away. I do that too, tho it's because I can't bear hurting him and I know I am a burden. He gets mad when I say that, but to me it's the truth. It's my truth, anyway.

 

[midnight820]

I've been dating a combat medic for 3 years. He has ptsd and hearing issues also. His frustrations come from people not understanding him vs people thinking he's a cripple. I let him pick seating in all restaurants cause it's usually a corner in the back to see all exits. It takes a lot of patience. I dont have much advice but I completely understand. Sounds like he needs some confidence boost?

 

[Muted]

Hearing is one of your main senses. If he can't hear well, he can't feel safe.

 

[Never_falter2]

I've been dating a combat medic for 3 years. He has ptsd and hearing issues also. His frustrations...

@midnight820: It is me, the OP, I registered and changed my nick.
Welcome to the board. Hope you will like it just as much as me. Letting the person choose the seat is a very good idea. I talked to other spouses of sufferers and sufferers and the gave me this advice and it has been just so helpful, because the sufferer is often able to pick a seat that feels much safer.