Ptsd And Finding A Mate

[Deleted member 487]

Can it be done?

I'm 41, single, and lonely. But....it's really not all that bad. Just that down inside I'm tired of being lonely. Tired of not being loved.

Sadly, back when I was married, even in the middle of having sex, I felt so alone. So here I am, alone, seeking to find someone to fill that hole in my life. But fearful that my PTSD will scare them off; or it may hurt them; or again I will be so lonely.

I don't know what to do.

 

[Ted Moen]

Can it be done? Sure it can be done. You can learn to participate in relationships.

I used to have a cycle in which I would participate in activities and relationships for a while, but as I had success and the relationships became more established and closer I would experience increasing anxiety and panic, start dreaming about people exploding in front of me and splattering all over me and stuff. So I had to do what I had to do to push the relationships back to a safe distance. Once I did that, I would be alone and lonely and feel guilty about the stuff I did to push everybody back and spiral on into depression and wallow in stuff. Then I would start over, usually with a new job involving new people and activities and new successes and feeling good but the anxiety and panic would start creeping in again and so on.

It can be done, today I enjoy lots of appropriate relationships and activities. The anxiety and panic and wallowing in stuff moods still get triggered but I have learned how to recognize them and process them without destroying my current situations.

It starts with participating in therapy.

Ted

 

[Deleted member 487]

Well, that I am doing. I am just so tired of being alone.

 

[Reclusive]

The answer is yes. But for a healthy relationship, you should have a firm grasp on how you operate. Not necessarily be 'cured', but at least be able to communicate when you're having a moment. But you need to also be aware that it's going to be hard - not a lot of people have the fortitude or stubbornness to put up with us, so don't give up easily. I don't remember if you have a solid base of IRL friends or not, but I would start there first before looking for a romantic relationship. If you can do a friendship, you should be good to go.

***I am an authority on nothing***

 

[Nicolette]

I get how tiring being alone can be CJ. I spent 4 years being single and then I was in couple of relationships which were far short of what I really wanted..........but hey.......if you want proof it can be done........look no further than right here as I am a sign of hope. Anthony and I have been together over 4 years now and he had PTSD when I met him. He is also a better person now than when I first met him.

Believe and trust that the universe will provide for you when the time is right........ I finally understood what my friends meant when they said "Stop looking for love and it will happen".......I was fine by myself and happy so I didn't get it as I was open but not desperate. It took for me to "decide" I deserved better and I was a good catch for things to turn around (I stopped judging my own baggage so to speak).............wanting love/companionship in my life but no longer needing it, realizing I was fine with just me.

 

[Babablacksheep]

Having someone else fulfill your needs is not such a good idea, even though in the short run it seems like the best option.

Fulfilling your own needs, living a full and abundant life on your own, and sharing it with others is more fulfilling. Then you can have a healthy relationship.

The choice is yours.

 

[njray]

Jack,

As a 48 yr old male, single via divorce. I will tell U that U need to be OK within yourself. You need to have a solid foundation to which U can build upon. If managing your PTSD is your only issue just keep working on it. If you are working on building a solid foundation through managing your ptsd correctly the pieces will fall into place and eventually the carpenters will see there is a nice solid, level and plumb environment to build upon

Even If the carpenters do not show you can be the carpenter just keep building. If a significant other comes along to lend a hand awesome. If not, just keep managing the process and focus on the end result. Even if you finish the house you have plenty of time to decorate. If it all gets done by yourself remember to stand back and look at the beautiful thing you created. If you are not still happy ..........Sell the freakin house.

And do it all over again. Just do not lose focus as there will come a time that you will at the end enter the home whether by yourself or with another and lay your head upon a pillow and close your eyes knowing you built something that you can be proud of that is providing safety and shelter from the elements we have little control over.

Sorry bout the construction references it is what i know well........

Peace my brother As you can find strength in that I feel as you . But believe in this we are here for a purpose and if it is to build many safe homes even if for others that might not be a bad thing in the gate keepers eyes

"Ray"

 

[anthony]

What Ray said... well said mate.

 

[mamachick]

I am lonely at times too. I am also unwilling to gamble more than I can afford to loose. Ten years ago I was a single mom of 42, finishing my masters degree, with many friends, exercising daily, a non smoke, didn't indulge in alcohol much, and like was very good. I had a childhood of neglect and some abuse, mostly verbal. I had a history but was very functional.

I fell head over heels with a man that had been a therapist for many years. He was a mind F@#$, to put it mildly. He was completely loving. When I spent the night at his house, I couldn't remember many hours. I felt like I had been drugged. As it turned out I had been. I wasn't sure though until after I found out he has his license suspended very sexual abuse of clients.

As I was still recovering from that a year later when I fell on a wet floor and had some bad injuries, including mild traumatic brain injury with anxiety and depression. From this I struggled financially. Along comes someone I went to high school with that was a recovering alcoholic. It took me a bit to learn that he wasn't recovering from anything. I was not in love with him so that part was easy. When I wouldn't see him, he began calling my supervisors at work or anybody that would listen. Then he started harrassing my clients on their way in to by business. I had to stop working for awhile and still havent returned.

The next one turned out to be bankrupt, mama's boy,very insecure, a big gambler, and addicted to guns which left me fearful. When he got fired from his job he became lethal.

Until my antenna's work well enough to trust my gut again, I just can't afford the setback. Attracting sociopath types makes me feel all the more defective. Maybe as a woman I feel more vulnerable, however, there are plenty of female crazies too.

 

[anthony]

Not all people are deadshits though, you usually have to experience the bad to find the good, though the world is still balanced in favour of good people vs. bad, so your odds are up there to find a good person. Just trust your instincts, but check the paranoia at the door. A persons instincts are too often dismissed, when alarm bells ring, they get ignored.

All relationships start off in a honeymoon period, then reality. If the reality period declines progressively with abuse or destruction, get the hell out there and then, don't let it continue. There is no requirement to share bank accounts and finances these days... not until well within an established relationship of years... even marriage, many have separate accounts with a joint account. If someone is so insecure that they insist on joint everything from the start, then that is an alarm bell you may get ripped off. Don't dismiss your instincts on a person... take it easy, step outside the honeymoon period and look from reality as fast as you can.

 

[mamachick]

I absolutely agree Anthony.
Right now I don't trust myself enough that I would not emotionally/psychologically decline if I were abused or conned again. Im still on sleep medication that that I began following the last abuse only last July.

The last guy that I dated for a year and a half did not ask for joint accounts or anything. He was very generous, but was in bankruptcy re-structuring and paying back a large portion of his paycheck so he had to live with mom. He would prefer to commute an hour and half to my house daily, because he missed me of course. In the beginning, he said he had worked for the FBI many years ago and got out after an injury, showing a scar on his stomach (gunshot wound). He told me many stories about work and even cried talking about a kid seeing his drug dealing father shot.

One day at dinner his mother started telling about his appendicitis when he was 24-ummmm, only one scar, no gunshot, no FBI. Explaination-insecure because of my education. Like I don't have enough trauma to hear made up stories.

He had a good job but got fired. Lied about why he was fired and I guess he panicked when I thought I would find out, therefore, he wanted me to go to Maryland with him. Since I told him no, he forced me. Once there, the attacked me at his friends house when I tried to leave. The police found 3 guns and 2 knives on him and he was arrested. Only then did I discover that he was fired because he claimed 15 workmans comp injuries in 15 years and they knew he was lying, in addition to being caught writing slurs on a wall about a supervisor. Made me feel like my ptsd was a walk in the park.

My real fear is that I won't allow anyone in my life intimately. I have a few friends and I have invites but still often decline. I fear that I won't ever be able to trust enough to allow someone in. Im also a bit impatient. I miss parts of being in a relationship and sharing at the end of the day or with phone calls. The core of me knows that I am a good person and have a lot to offer. Then I waver with self doubt and wonder if I have deserved these past relationships to come to me. Guess thats a big indicator that Im not ready.

 

[anthony]

You can't know everything... but you made your choice based on he lied... and if he lied about that, then what would he lye about in the future? Smart move I say...

I don't think there is such a thing as "being ready" or not for a relationship. You have to be in one to know that, and then is that a broad brush statement or only specific to that relationship? The later I would assume.

There is no right or wrong to what you feel... but whatever you feel, only you can answer whether you are ready for a relationship or not. Intimacy is one part of a relationship... you can get that from a one night stand if sex is all you desire at this point, or a f*ck buddy basically. Its just sex... and its only one part of a relationship... essential, but still only one part.