Ptsd And Marriage

[Spock]

Welcome Russ, You've received some good advice here based on folks that have already been there, done that. My summary is:
1) Take care of yourself first
2) Focus on being a father second
3) Be kind and set the example of respect for your family

Take notes and try to avoid fights. Writing it down may help you get out the bad stuff until you can think about things outside the moment. It will also give you some facts for therapy together, if you all get there, that the therapist can use to help your wife understand her role & "personality issues."

...I know in don't try as hard as I should. I just really hate to have a forced relationship which is gonna add more stress upon me. I rather things be natural and us happy together. I often also feel like I am the only putting in effort, minimum effort, but effort nonetheless...

I think I know what you mean by "things being natural" but relationships are hard work, a continuous roller coaster ride just like life. Your relationship will end or get stronger as you navigate each test. Do what you can to show you are trying to get healthy and she will either follow your lead or not.

 

[Jimmy1]

I tried to bring it up that she should also go to counseling but that idea was shoot down as I am "the one with the mental problems" as she puts it.
I admit I have only begun to notice her mental problems and mood swings since I been sober. I was either too drunk or didn't care in the past to notice they were there.
.

Well mate, 'You Tried', that's all that matters. You have to worry about fixing you now so you can be a great dad. Stop beating yourself up. Always respect her no matter if the marriage ends in divorce, you may have married for the wrong reasons, but as long as you are civil things can be good for your son.

So, now you have to make a big decision. Do you hang around and see if you can handle it while you get stuck into your medication and therapy, or do you pop smoke and exfil? If you choose the latter and down the track she brings up anything, you can at least say that you tried.

You can always try one more avenue before you make any hasty decisions. Write her a letter. You see with writing a letter, or typing as I do, you can always go back and re-read it until you get it just right.

Best of luck buddy, we are here for you.

 

[Sarg]

You can always try one more avenue before you make any hasty decisions. Write her a letter. You see with writing a letter, or typing as I do, you can always go back and re-read it until you get it just right.

That's two in one week, Jimmy you're batting a thousand! Simple, brilliant and effective.

Sarg

 

[heyitsruss]

I just can't seem to find a balance either I give her too little attention or I give her too much awkward attention. Seems like I can never find a gray area at anything I do, always black or white, right or wrong no in between.
I guess the attention I give her depends on my PTSD mood.
When I'm down and depressed the attention I give her is not there.
Then when my PTSD is flared, anxious, on guard, energetic. I just tend to annoy her.
Very confused at the moment.
Doing tcps in a warzone was definitely easier.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Russ, have you tried asking her what she wants instead of guessing? If she is aware of PTSD and has read all the articles on here then let her make a decision and see if you can handle it.

This is one of the biggest mistakes people make, they don't ask. Sometimes I go to my man cave and put my headphones on to play 'World of Tanks' and if Margaret wants me, she turns the light on and off.

 

[Sludge]

best advice I can give is this: Be open. Be honest, and work on getting yourself better. My current, second wife and I very nearly got divorced a while back.we have been working through that with varying degrees of success.

It takes time, patience and a metric f*ck-tonne of effort, but it can be done if both parties wish to do so.

 

[AfricaVet]

Mate, I've been in therapy together and on my own for over year. Just this week I made a connection. You see my wife keeps telling me I'm angry when I'm not and ascribes emotions to everything I do. She doesn't get that I don't have emotions (other than fear of failing) and I am very expressionless. So she makes up emotions and assigns them to me. They're always negative and it feeds a vicious cycle. I hope that you can see something of this in your relationship and have an honest conversation.

 

[Jimmy1]

Mate, I've been in therapy together and on my own for over year. Just this week I made a connection. You see my wife keeps telling me I'm angry when I'm not and ascribes emotions to everything I do. She doesn't get that I don't have emotions (other than fear of failing) and I am very expressionless. So she makes up emotions and assigns them to me. They're always negative and it feeds a vicious cycle. I hope that you can see something of this in your relationship and have an honest conversation.

Sorry Mark, but I beg to differ on that. I used to think I had no emotions too, still today someone close can die and I don't shed a tear.

A wise man once explained it to me, he is not here now, but he explained that we do have the emotion, we feel it in our heart but due to the decades of military training where we were not allowed to show emotion, we don't know how to display it. It helps us function and a killer. Someone dies beside us and we can move on. This is why they did not want women in battle originally, because it's not an emotion when a women keels over, it's a natural instinct of the man.
It's like laughter or something funny happens. Usually unless you are with your peers and something funny happens, you only laugh for a minute then stop. The stoic demeanour takes years to develop.

I do agree with you though on the point about your wife/ex-wife telling you what you are feeling, my ex used to do that too. It made me furious. Because sometimes when another digger dies in the desert, I am not sad, I am angry because they are still there. I may be sad later on when I am on my own.

My therapist told me that I had to give myself permission to be sad, or happy or any other emotion that did not involve anger.

Just my opinion

BTW I am on my third and last marriage.

 

[heyitsruss]

Mate, I've been in therapy together and on my own for over year. Just this week I made a connection. You see my wife keeps telling me I'm angry when I'm not and ascribes emotions to everything I do. She doesn't get that I don't have emotions (other than fear of failing) and I am very expressionless. So she makes up emotions and assigns them to me. They're always negative and it feeds a vicious cycle. I hope that you can see something of this in your relationship and have an honest conversation.

I can also relate to this. I can say something with a smile on face in a jokingly matter and my wife will call me an A-hole and say I ruined her day. When that was not my intention. So I usually don't say a lot and then in the vicious cycle you described I'm an A-hole again in her eyes.
Women are strange creatures.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

I do agree with you though on the point about your wife/ex-wife telling you what you are feeling, my ex used to do that too. It made me furious. Because sometimes when another digger dies in the desert, I am not sad, I am angry because they are still there. I may be sad later on when I am on my own.

Very true for me as well, When I'm alone I also thought that it was sadness. I know today that it's pure anger. To express that among family and friends only fuels the hurt that is present at that time. They will never understand the relationship between emotional fear and weakness that was instilled in us at a very early age. PTSD sets a very ridged retaining wall between the two and in all my years I have had moments that I was able to breach it but very quickly retreated to the other side.

My poker face has been an embarrassment in situations to those around me - yet, I could not recognize what I had done myself.

Ba

 

[Sarg]

Trust. That popped into my mind as you guys were talking about your wives. My wife and I had complete trust in each other. The other in trouble, you came a running. She keeping me from getting too deep and me keeping her out of the emergency room. A very unusual relationship, so don't think I had a lot to do with it.

Just very, very lucky.

Sarg

 

[Jimmy1]

Trust.
Sarg

Right on mate. I had no trust in women for quite a few years after my wife left me, mainly because another bloke poached her, but I also blamed myself because of PTSD. I did not think I could trust anyone else except my buddies.

Then I met Margaret. After we were dating for a bit I told her I did not trust her unconditionally, but she loved me and trusted me.
Now I do. I know she would not screw around or leave me. I know I can tell her anything.

Trust. You hit the nail on the head Sarg. A very wise man again.