Relationship Ptsd And My Relationship: Am I Doing The Right Thing?

[Faith1234]

Hello!
This going to be a little long..
So me and my dear boyfriend have been together for 7 years, I have a son that is 9yrs old from a previous relationship.
When we first started dating my bf told me he had ptsd but he had not gone for treatment or therapy yet at that point.
Everything was so great!! We were so happy!!! This past October we bought a house and then a month later I found out I was pregnant.. In which we both had talked about kids and having one.
He was really excited called his mom right away it was such a great moment.. But things started to change.. After about 1.5 months I sat him down no affection a peek here and there and asked him what was wrong. I thought it was me, then I thought well maybe he didn't want the baby.. All kinds of things are going on in my head at this point.
But all her would ever say is either " nothing is wrong" or "I don't know". Me being pregnant and emotional I was become a wreck, I noticed myself just becoming non talkative because I didn't know what was going on I didn't know how to act what to say It was also hard seeing my 9 yr old wanting to spend time with him and do things but he would just say, no I'm busy or no not right now. It hurt seeing all these things happening. Well after 2.5 months he told me he was not happy. I had no clue!! I would ask what have I been doing wrong or to hurt you etc.. He would say its not me and that it is him.. We sat down and did a list on a piece of paper.. 5 things you love/like about our relationship, 5 things your don't like and 5 things that you would like to work on, then I found out he cared about me but he wasn't in love with me anymore.. My heart fell.. I was just sitting there trying to process all this.. your not happy, your not in love with me anymore but I didn't do anything?? While a few weeks went by and keep in mind we live in the same house me not sure on what I'm doing me still in shock that this is even happening... We have a boxer and he LOVES that dog!! He would baby talk to the dog cuddle with the dog and everything.. In which I know dogs a good therapy dogs, but I started feeling jealous of the dog... I started thinking to myself.. I didn't do anything but I barley get a kiss, cuddle hug etc.. Like everything just changed SO last!! So I started doing some research on ptsd.. and there was a lot of helpful information!! Stuff I had no clue about.. Then I was starting to change myself to be a better supporter for him.. Now I am 5.5 months pregnant and we sat down and talked a few weeks ago and he told me that his ptsd has just been getting worse over the past year and now its getting to the point to where he is going to start going to the VA for therapy, his 1st apt is next week. He told me he does not want his child to see him this way and that he can see that the 9 year old can tell too. He has also said that I have put 100% in to this relationship and he doesn't think its fair that I don't get the same thing in return. When I ask him if he loves me he says he cares for me. So I made a very painful decision and decided to give him space and time, which everything I read and research that's what it said to do. I didn't move out or anything, but my bf has told me that he just need think and get somethings straightened out. This is so hard!!! I love this person so much and want to be here for him and us to be a family.. I want to be home decorating the nursery with him etc.. I just need some advice, am I doing the right thing? When me and my son left it was horrible.. I was a emotional wreck but trying to keep it together for my son. But i would see my boyfriends face and he just had the face of sadness.. So I questioned what i was doing. I have no clue, just some good advise would be so helpful.
Thank You

 

[girlA]

You love this guy..so no quick fix...TRY and look after yourself and your babies firstly...keep talking...things COULD change again and maybe once he s delt with this episode things could be fine again for years..but one thing is that to varying degrees it will always be part of him... Sending hugs your way

 

[Fadeaway]

I think you are doing all you can. I know that you have a 9 year old, but if this is his first child he probably has a lot of fear about PTSD and having a baby sending him into a downward spiral. Therapy is going to be the best thing for him right now.

 

[Faith1234]

girlA
Thank You for you response!!
Should I text or call him once a week or couple times a week? I just want to do the right thing that's all to make this better. This is just still so hard for me.. Its going to be hard for my 9 year old son too! I mean what do I say... I want to be honest with my son, but he is going to be so sad... He's going to ask me, "mommy when are we going home".. and me being pregnant and emotions going crazy.. It's going to be very hard trying to explain this.

 

[Justmehere]

Did he ask you to move out or is that what you did hoping it would help him? Or did you move out because you thought it would be easier than being around him being so sad and distant?

 

[Faith1234]

He didn't ask me to move out, and I didn't move out I just took some clothes for me and my son.. Just staying with family. I have been very open and honest with him. I have told him I was not moving out I was just giving him a little time to think. I have stressed my love for him and that I am here. I even told him that this is something I didn't want to do, honestly I never wanted to but I felt with me and my son there and my son constantly wanting his attention and I could see him getting frustrated if my son wouldn't listen etc... I even asked him if that's what he wanted me to do, but he never would tell me, it was I don't know. Everything I researched it kept going back to space and time.. So I did that last week.. I wasn't gone for the whole week.. I was still texting him here and their and he would text too, I would go home to get the mail on my lunch of after work etc... So I would still see him and was talking to him. After the week, and he had a couple days I asked him about it and if it helped him. He said the time alone was nice and his blood pressure was down and he was able to think better. But Yes to your other question.. It is extremely hard still there and experiencing the distance and isolation, and I was their and experienced the distance for 4 mths before I even decided to leave for a few days... Thinking maybe that would help.. Now if I wasn't pregnant I think it would be a lot easier... He tells me he's excited about the baby, he has even bought somethings for the baby. He also does not like to hear people say.. Are you mad? Are you not in a good mood? that really frustrates him.. In which his facial expression.. he does look mad all the time. So if my son asks one of those questions my bf gives off this big sigh... and says no I'm not mad. I have learned to not ask anymore, but my 9 year old he's just a child and doesn't understand. I actually got myself a appointment to see a therapist early this next week, to help me and to see if what I'm doing is the right thing or... I just don't want to be doing the opposite.. I never wanted to leave for a short period of time, its one of the hardest things I have had to do. I love him so much and I was just trying to give him some space to think and work out what he's got going on and to relieve some added stress that he may be getting from me or my son. But he has recently told me he feels emotionally numb... So I have no idea what the right or wrong thing to do at this point.

 

[Justmehere]

I can tell how much you care about him and are afraid of losing him --- and how conflicted you are about this choice. As much as you can, take some of the pressure off you. You are doing well in trying to figure out the right steps in a hard situation, and to some degree, there isn't an easy formula through this stuff. It's just doing the best we can -- and you are so doing that.

If anything, you may be trying to take care of him a bit too much, and in a bit of a codependent fashion. You are a pregnant momma, and uprooting you and your son for his comfort actually seems like you might possibly going too far.

Being affected by his moods and silence makes a lot of sense. It will be an important skill to work on setting internal boundaries of your own, be able to have your own space inside of yourself and not take on his stuff as much. If he's mad or down, there is some of that which is ok. PTSD makes it all the more intense, but the path through PTSD involves letting feelings be present and learning how to carry on with them there -- for you and him. Getting through PTSD means allowing the numbness the anger the sadness to be there and hanging on through it without reacting to it. Just responding.

You are not the cause of his decline, and you can't pull him out of it either. He's got to do that work in therapy, and it seems like he's trying. Things usually get worse before thy get better when someone starts treatment, so try not to internalize his decline as being about you, and it may not be something you need to make big life changes over. Just endure. Steady and safe.

This relationship won't work well if you are always trying to read his mind (and we all try to red each other's minds from time to time) and forsaking even having a stable home for you and your son so he can have space. You have to take care of you and your kiddos.

It's actually much more healthy for him if he learns to ask for what he needs and set his own boundaries. He may actually even be in a better place having someone there for him, and especially when the new baby comes, you'll both need all the help you can get.

No reason to beat yourself up, you are doing the very best you can with what you have, and I admire how much you want to help him and all the really good and excellent steps you are taking. If there were more supporters in the world like you, a lot of people would be a lot better off.

I think it's wonderful that you scheduled to see a therapist to talk this through. Everyone needs some outside support from time to time and supporters who have their own support are able to navigate the tricky waters of PTSD all the better.

 

[Faith1234]

Also...
My son and I were at home on Thursday night and I cooked a big meal we all sat down and ate etc.. it was nice. He didn't seem stressed or anything.. Friday night we sat down and talked, he had told me that "all the arguments in the past" he had just hit his breaking point.. But honestly we never really argued.. and he agreed.. It was more of me just wanting to spend sometime with him or do something as a couple type conversations. Cause him and I both don't like to argue. I mean we have both shared frustrations but it has never been yelling or screaming etc... I mean I said I was pregnant and it literally just was a snap of the finger type change...
Ok so he wrote me a long text yesterday.. He started with I'm not going to just think about me and my issues but he was going to think about "us" as well.. Then he went in to I don't think its fair to me that I give 100% in to the relationship and he does not give that in return, and that he cant give me the affection and love that I deserve.. Then he goes into, I just don't see what we had being again.. I feel like I am getting mixed signals.. " So your going to be thinking about the relationship too, but then you don't see what we had being again" I'm just totally lost and confused!! He says he has some issues and that he's going to be working on getting those worked out.
But I went home yesterday while he was at work to check the mail etc.. and it was so odd to me.. he took all his clothes out of the dresser and put them in a pile on the floor, and he bought me a stand up jewelry stand and on top of the pile of clothes was his jewelry and things from the jewelry stand. I came into the relationship with the dresser refurbished it etc.. But he didn't move or do anything else.. it was just a small pile of clothes maybe 6-7 items on the floor with his jewelry.. he left all my stuff still in the dresser... Does he think I'm leaving? I have told him multiple times I'm not leaving, and I'm just giving him a little thinking time. He says he has never doubted my love for him..
I have no idea what to think..

 

[Faith1234]

Oh my goodness thank you so much for that post!! You really made me feel so much better!! It made me cry but I needed to read that.. I needed to know I was doing a good job and taking the right steps..
Thank you everyone for all your posts you all are great!!!

 

[Justmehere]

Try to let go of guessing what all these things mean. You will drive yourself batty. He is the only one who can explain why he is taking his clothes out and etc.

It makes sense that he doesn't doubt your love for him. It's clear even in your posts. Your love for him simply isn't enough to make it all work. It takes more than love. I'm sure he doesn't want to have conflict over the amount of time you both spend together. It's ok that there was/is conflict - that's normal. Healthy. If you two had never disagreed on anything, that would be more worrisome! It's ok to disagree, have conflict, even argue, in a healthy way.

The key is to communicate and handle the inevitable conflict well, when you are both able to do so --- and to focus on you being you and him being him, and to not try to crawl into his head so much.

It does seem like he wants to invest in the relationship more. And he is right that things won't be the same. He is battling a major mental health condition and that will affect things. It may end up better than ever, it may not, only time and work will tell.

You are kind of both giving a lot of mixed signals --- and while this isn't ideal, that's ok. This is confusing and hard stuff to sort out.

He may just be feeling really unsure what to do and so badly doesn't want to hurt you that he's pulling away. I know it seems weird but it happens a lot with sufferers.

Don't rush in and don't run away. Be steady and slow. Keep taking care of you and don't ignore what you need.

Is there anything practical he could do that would help you feel less concerned and more secure? Practical things. Taking the focus off his moods and focusing on you a bit might actually help him get out of his head a bit and build up his confidence that he can do this. Maybe asking him to help you by running errands for you or something like that - he gets space but still gets to show love through an act of service for you. Their is a book called "Five Love Languges." It's a faith influenced book, but if that isn't offensive to you, it's got some good ideas about ways to show love to others that can apply to anyone of any background about a lot of different ways to show love in a relationship. There is words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time together, and a few others.

Right now, it's clear you probably most predominantly give and recieve love by time spent together, and that's something that isn't his forte at this time. That's ok. There are other ways to connect and build a relationship in addition to that, and it might help you both to work in those other ways right now when closness via the amount of time spent together is confusing and hard.

Hang in there. You are doing so many things well. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Everyone had so many good things to say. I think that you have a good heart and are a very good mom and partner to your guy.

I would suggest kindly that you make a life for yourself while living with him and meet your own needs, I know easier said than done. Have friends, take your son to outings like going to the movies etc, and build a good life and get your needs met through friendships. Since you are pregnant and congratulations! Go ahead and decorate the nursery. Do little projects that involve your son and mean while you give your man the space he needs. Good luck!

 

[Faith1234]

Oh my goodness, you all are so great!! Thank you so much!! I wish I would have found this site a long time ago.. gizmo you made me cry too!! hahaha but in a good way!! I cant thank you all enough for all this wonderful feed back I really really appreciate it and I needed this!! I wish I could just hug you guys!! hahaha You all are helping me a lot right now!! :)
Thank you all so much