Hello. I'm new here, just joined in actually :) I'm pretty sure this is the right website for me because from the research I've done about my experiences and 'symptoms', I'm almost entirely sure that what I have is PTSD and a bit of OCD to be honest.
Thing is..when I was a kid, right about when I was 6 or 7 I think, I had an experience with a friend/neighbor also girl who is 1 year older than me. I went to her house to play as usual and while we were alone she decided to ''share'' something fun with me.
She showed me how to touch myself in a way down there that would make me feel ''funny''. Masturbation in common words but it wasn't the masturbation women know and do, it was more like touching above clothes or when we were alone even under them but not in the *exact* way masturbation works. This is kinda awkward, sorry about that.
Anyways..besides the fact that since the moment I learned that new and ''funny'' trick I basically lost any touch to my childhood and innocense..the core of the problem is mostly the type of thoughts and fantasies that went with it. Without wanting to, since then, I've had thoughts and fantasies of rapes, abuse, lesbian sex or straight or both and my fantasies included usually older in the age people with younger ones, like younger girls of my age or even younger. I want to clear something up. I'm not a lesbian..would never be one because I like men. I'm attracted to men and I'd only ever do something with males. The thought alone of doing something sexual with a woman in reality is repulsive to me..but somehow in my fantasies lesbianism is something that usually prevails..I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that my 1st sexual experience was with a girl but it's weird as hell. Anyway..due to the element of my thoughts, I've learned and got used to hating myself in extreme ways since I was a kid. Even to the point of being suicidal. Things got even worse when I went to high school and got mixed up with an occult group where an older kid was the leader.
Almost 2 years ago I found my faith and I dare say that if it wasn't for my faith I'd have probably resulted to either cutting myself after every single time I ''masturbate'' (I still don't masturbate normally like all women do), or would still have suicidal thoughts.
I have forgiven everyone and everything that has ever harmed me in any way..but I don't seem capable of forgiving myself. I hate myself, I'm sick of myself. Yet when I imagine a child-version of myself in front of me looking at me, all I want to do is hug her and tell her that it's not her fault and that I love her. This is in direct contrast with what I feel about myself now. I also hate anything masturbation related and sex related. I masturbate because sometimes the temptation is too strong and I'm not capable yet of resisting. But I hate myself even more after it. I feel like the dirtiest piece of sh@t in the world. After the ''act'' I have to put the clothes I was wearing in the laundry basket, my sheets, my pillow case, my underwear... everything must be washed off and cleaned and I have to immediately take a bath..if this routine does not occure I will feel physically dirty and will avoid touching other people, especially my family in fear of ''spreading'' my filth to them.
I have not made a single relationship yet..I'm afraid of having sex. People flirt with me, I receive compliments and there have been guys who have hit on me or expressed romantic feelings but the moment I realize someone actually wants me I run away. I'm afraid they too will be sick of me. Also the reason why I don't visit a therapist is because I've read that the therapy method for people who hate sexual acts, masturbation etc.. is to ''teach'' them how to like it...I DON'T want to like it or do it. I wish I'd completely quit doing it all at once..
I wish there was a way that I could get some help without being forced to do this kind of stuff..
Thing is..when I was a kid, right about when I was 6 or 7 I think, I had an experience with a friend/neighbor also girl who is 1 year older than me. I went to her house to play as usual and while we were alone she decided to ''share'' something fun with me.
She showed me how to touch myself in a way down there that would make me feel ''funny''. Masturbation in common words but it wasn't the masturbation women know and do, it was more like touching above clothes or when we were alone even under them but not in the *exact* way masturbation works. This is kinda awkward, sorry about that.
Anyways..besides the fact that since the moment I learned that new and ''funny'' trick I basically lost any touch to my childhood and innocense..the core of the problem is mostly the type of thoughts and fantasies that went with it. Without wanting to, since then, I've had thoughts and fantasies of rapes, abuse, lesbian sex or straight or both and my fantasies included usually older in the age people with younger ones, like younger girls of my age or even younger. I want to clear something up. I'm not a lesbian..would never be one because I like men. I'm attracted to men and I'd only ever do something with males. The thought alone of doing something sexual with a woman in reality is repulsive to me..but somehow in my fantasies lesbianism is something that usually prevails..I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that my 1st sexual experience was with a girl but it's weird as hell. Anyway..due to the element of my thoughts, I've learned and got used to hating myself in extreme ways since I was a kid. Even to the point of being suicidal. Things got even worse when I went to high school and got mixed up with an occult group where an older kid was the leader.
Almost 2 years ago I found my faith and I dare say that if it wasn't for my faith I'd have probably resulted to either cutting myself after every single time I ''masturbate'' (I still don't masturbate normally like all women do), or would still have suicidal thoughts.
I have forgiven everyone and everything that has ever harmed me in any way..but I don't seem capable of forgiving myself. I hate myself, I'm sick of myself. Yet when I imagine a child-version of myself in front of me looking at me, all I want to do is hug her and tell her that it's not her fault and that I love her. This is in direct contrast with what I feel about myself now. I also hate anything masturbation related and sex related. I masturbate because sometimes the temptation is too strong and I'm not capable yet of resisting. But I hate myself even more after it. I feel like the dirtiest piece of sh@t in the world. After the ''act'' I have to put the clothes I was wearing in the laundry basket, my sheets, my pillow case, my underwear... everything must be washed off and cleaned and I have to immediately take a bath..if this routine does not occure I will feel physically dirty and will avoid touching other people, especially my family in fear of ''spreading'' my filth to them.
I have not made a single relationship yet..I'm afraid of having sex. People flirt with me, I receive compliments and there have been guys who have hit on me or expressed romantic feelings but the moment I realize someone actually wants me I run away. I'm afraid they too will be sick of me. Also the reason why I don't visit a therapist is because I've read that the therapy method for people who hate sexual acts, masturbation etc.. is to ''teach'' them how to like it...I DON'T want to like it or do it. I wish I'd completely quit doing it all at once..
I wish there was a way that I could get some help without being forced to do this kind of stuff..
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