Ptsd and sensory overload

[Pencil]

then people criticize me for being irritable but they would be to if they felt how I did

Oh hell yes! And I often feel like screaming: 'Stop annoying me, you bloody cretin, then I won't be so irritable!! And by the f*cking way, don't you have enough brain cells to see the irony in your becoming irritable with my irritability???' Duh!

 

[InHell11]

I kind of did want to yell at everyone to just shut the hell up and leave me alone, but I figured then they'd have even more complaints. I mean I wouldn't be able to deny it makes me look like I'm being a jerk but at that point I didn't really give a crap if snapping at my moms boyfriend was appropriate or not. Also, he was already getting on my nerves all week by excessively nagging everyone especially my younger brother.

 

[Pencil]

InHell, I think that is the whole point: we control ourselves far more than the people who are so critical do. I once whined to a psychiatrist about not having self-control and she did a life-changing thing by pointing out to me that I have steel-like control over my emotions / reactions / behaviours. I've subsequently been in hundreds of situations where I could see that in action. Hell, if I reacted the way I felt like reacting to every annoyance, fear, anxiety, aggression, etc. I would have demolished buildings by now.

Oh, and I would have assaulted a fair number of people.

 

[shoulderblades]

If I'm anxious or feeling "unbalanced" or if I'm stressed, everything can become too much. Noises from traffic, noises from my kid, noises from my ex, noises from the cat - any noises and my anxiety spikes further. Or I become very jumpy, and aggravated like a scared animal as a result. Noises can also keep me awake at night, though not nearly as much as my thoughts and memories. This doesn't happen all the time, but it's pretty difficult to function when it does.

 

[shoulderblades]

I kind of did want to yell at everyone to just shut the hell up and leave me alone, but I figured then they'd have even more complaints

I know exactly what you mean. Whenever I'm in a heightened state of anxiety and I'm jumpy and oversensitive to stimulation or noise, and get snappy or tell people to just stop talking or to leave me alone, I tend to get treated like I'm overreacting and like my being anxious is an inconvenience to others. It's like, excuse me for not being able to utterly control myself all the time. I spend so much time controlling my emotions and controlling my anxiety and controlling everything within me to try and keep going and to keep the peace in the household and to keep others happy, no one ever stops to think, "hey, maybe she needs space to be unwell for a while". Rather, it's all, "Jeez, calm down, what's your problem", etc, as though I have agency over my anxiety. My anxiety is what has agency over ME. Only my girlfriend and my closest friends get it and know to let me be when I need space to just be, no matter how bad a state I might be in.

 

[safenow]

I know exactly what you mean.

I can so relate to what you are saying. This is the main reason I live alone. I tell people I care about, "I'm not fit for human companionship" they understand because they have experienced how I get. It is also why I used to go the mountains so I could get un-people-polluted. Not phones, doorbells, loud neighbors, noisy kids, car sounds, etc. When it got really bad, I might be up there 2-3 weeks.

 

[Pencil]

Safenow, when I come over to do your laundry I'll be a quiet as a mouse ;)

 

[Jules Huffman]

Oh this is so interesting! I did not think that it had anything to do with my PTSD. I am so unaware of my body sometimes that I just tell my husband that I have a headache. I don't I just can't stand the sounds anymore.

 

[shoulderblades]

It is also why I used to go the mountains so I could get un-people-polluted. Not phones, doorbells, loud neighbors, noisy kids, car sounds, etc.

This is something I've never done and keep wanting to do. I really should make an effort to get away from society and get back to nature, which is where I feel most at peace no matter what I'm going through.

 

[KatB]

I agree with the creator of the original post. Sensory overload and new places make me completely hypervigilant and extremely sensitive...

 

[InHell11]

I think that is the whole point: we control ourselves far more than the people who are so critical do. I once whined to a psychiatrist about not having self-control and she did a life-changing thing by pointing out to me that I have steel-like control over my emotions / reactions / behaviours.

I don't know part of my problem is that I certainly do not have steel-like control over my emotions, reactions and behaviors. It's not like I don't try, I certainly do not enjoy that people can so easily get to me or that if someone sets me off I can overreact. Then of course that in itself bothers people so my efforts not to piss anyone off end up pissing everyone off anyways.

I guess its gotten confusing because I know it would help me to be a bit more assertive and able to for instance say no to a request I am not up to without feeling bad for letting the person down even when they assure me its ok. Also, I shouldn't have to beat myself up over snapping at someone when stressed or being too tired to join in some activity. At the same time, it feels like I am still also getting the message that I should be heavily criticized if I so much as snap at someone. Since I guess it indicates I'm not living up to everyones standard of 'beating' my symptoms or being able to control them at will. which I am not even in a position to agree to.

I hate feeling like i don't have the right to disappoint anyone by not being up to what they all want from me. for instance if I got a pack of cigarettes and within a day I get low on them I still feel obligated to give my brother a cigarette if he asks for one when it would be perfectly ok not to, he has no problem telling someone no if he's low on something or they ask him to do something he can't do at the moment. I feel guilty about it. I hate it, since then I get irritated with other people even though they can't read my mind and thus have no way of knowing I didn't want to do something I agreed to.

 

[safenow]

I hate it, since then I get irritated with other people even though they can't read my mind and thus have no way of knowing I didn't want to do something I agreed to.

Bless your heart. With out training in how to be assertive, it's almost impossible for victims of abuse to ever speak up for themselves. I know it took me forever to learn how to stand up for myself.

I hope you have a good trauma therapist who you can work with on this issue. It will make all the difference for you and your peace of mind. Once you learn how, you will begin to feel so much better.

Good luck.