everythingchanged
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I don’t know if this is where I need to be or not and I guess my question is this – could just being at my job - the location, the conversations, the memories – be triggering my ptsd again?
I was not abused nor terrorized and I was not in the military. My sister was murdered and it took almost 20 years for the police to figure out the last person to see her killed her. My place of employment is where I had the phone conversations with police during the investigation that I shared with my co-workers and where I was at when the states attorney called me to tell me that the killer had confessed to the grand jury and we needed to discuss plea deal options.
Plus, I feel judged and incompetent here now and just not comfortable. Is this possible?
I was sort of diagnosed with PTSD back when it first happened, but it was new, so I was mainly treated for depression only. These meds brought out a manic side that I had never experienced before and it was several years and many medications later before I felt well enough to be able to move on with my life somewhat and went off all the meds.
In 2009, I was very content with my life and everything was going well. I was well liked and respected at my job and felt confident in my abilities and knowledge of it. I was expecting to be “moving up” in the company and the increase in pay would have been a welcome relief as we had purchased a home recently and could use the extra money. But then an opportunity arose in which I could make some noise in the small town my sister was murdered in and was able to prompt the police to re-open her case and re-test some of the evidence.
After several months and much stress later, her killer agreed to confess to a grand jury in exchange for a plea agreement. My family agreed to this and I asked to meet with him as a condition of his plea just for my own sort of closure. While all of the investigating and legal proceedings were going on, I was in a constant manic state – for over a year.
I tried to keep my employer and co-workers informed of events and issues I was experiencing and they were very supportive for the most part – there is always the one that has to be difficult but it was OK. I tried to be present at work and keep up my duties to the best I could, but I was not the employee I had been before.
On New Years Eve of 2010, I had my first of what I am told was a dissociative “episode” and I crashed – hard. I went back on the meds and into therapy but never seemed to get the relief I had been able to achieve before. I missed a lot of work and was not consistent or efficient when I was there. I had delusions, or I think that was what they were. I was told of things I had said or did at work that I had no memory of and there were images and instances in my mind that I swore had happened but was told they didn't. I tried switching doctors then therapists but nothing seems to work well.
I had another “episode” on Jan 4th of this year very much like the one I had in 2010, but this time I ended up with a black eye and a concussion from falling while being disassociated. I have been suffering from headaches ever since and have had all the tests run and they can find no reason for them.
I am back on a low dosage of one of the meds I have been on previously as well as one for my anxiety. I have anxiety attacks or cry in the morning as I am getting ready for work and this continues thru the day. Some days I just cannot control my emotions and I can do nothing but sit at my desk and try to work through tears. It makes everyone uncomfortable and if I excuse myself from the room to collect myself, they are all talking as I walk back in and then disperse like I shouldn't notice.
I now feel extremely exposed to these people and have lost my trust in them as our work environment as changed drastically in the past year and to them, I should be over this and they shouldn't have to deal with it any more. I feel like the kid from the cartoon that has the rain cloud over his head constantly that everyone avoids and I don’t think it is healthy for me to be here anymore. Has anyone else dealt with anything like this before?? I would appreciate any advice I can get.
I was not abused nor terrorized and I was not in the military. My sister was murdered and it took almost 20 years for the police to figure out the last person to see her killed her. My place of employment is where I had the phone conversations with police during the investigation that I shared with my co-workers and where I was at when the states attorney called me to tell me that the killer had confessed to the grand jury and we needed to discuss plea deal options.
Plus, I feel judged and incompetent here now and just not comfortable. Is this possible?
I was sort of diagnosed with PTSD back when it first happened, but it was new, so I was mainly treated for depression only. These meds brought out a manic side that I had never experienced before and it was several years and many medications later before I felt well enough to be able to move on with my life somewhat and went off all the meds.
In 2009, I was very content with my life and everything was going well. I was well liked and respected at my job and felt confident in my abilities and knowledge of it. I was expecting to be “moving up” in the company and the increase in pay would have been a welcome relief as we had purchased a home recently and could use the extra money. But then an opportunity arose in which I could make some noise in the small town my sister was murdered in and was able to prompt the police to re-open her case and re-test some of the evidence.
After several months and much stress later, her killer agreed to confess to a grand jury in exchange for a plea agreement. My family agreed to this and I asked to meet with him as a condition of his plea just for my own sort of closure. While all of the investigating and legal proceedings were going on, I was in a constant manic state – for over a year.
I tried to keep my employer and co-workers informed of events and issues I was experiencing and they were very supportive for the most part – there is always the one that has to be difficult but it was OK. I tried to be present at work and keep up my duties to the best I could, but I was not the employee I had been before.
On New Years Eve of 2010, I had my first of what I am told was a dissociative “episode” and I crashed – hard. I went back on the meds and into therapy but never seemed to get the relief I had been able to achieve before. I missed a lot of work and was not consistent or efficient when I was there. I had delusions, or I think that was what they were. I was told of things I had said or did at work that I had no memory of and there were images and instances in my mind that I swore had happened but was told they didn't. I tried switching doctors then therapists but nothing seems to work well.
I had another “episode” on Jan 4th of this year very much like the one I had in 2010, but this time I ended up with a black eye and a concussion from falling while being disassociated. I have been suffering from headaches ever since and have had all the tests run and they can find no reason for them.
I am back on a low dosage of one of the meds I have been on previously as well as one for my anxiety. I have anxiety attacks or cry in the morning as I am getting ready for work and this continues thru the day. Some days I just cannot control my emotions and I can do nothing but sit at my desk and try to work through tears. It makes everyone uncomfortable and if I excuse myself from the room to collect myself, they are all talking as I walk back in and then disperse like I shouldn't notice.
I now feel extremely exposed to these people and have lost my trust in them as our work environment as changed drastically in the past year and to them, I should be over this and they shouldn't have to deal with it any more. I feel like the kid from the cartoon that has the rain cloud over his head constantly that everyone avoids and I don’t think it is healthy for me to be here anymore. Has anyone else dealt with anything like this before?? I would appreciate any advice I can get.
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