Ptsd At Its Best I Guess......

[Tia72]

Here it is, December 2014.... Just weeks away from the new year.... In the back of my mind, it is another year I will not work and another year I will not be a contributor to our home. My thoughts are all over the place right now. I have looked at the journal I was writing in ( a year ago) and I think how good it would be to write... and then..... I fizzle out and I don't want to talk about my garbage..... I dust it off and put it away. Till the next over zealous thought.

I have not been sleeping with any healthy results for what feels like forever. It has been since August to be exact. New doctor, a GREEDY doctor, medication changes, no slow taper, serotonin syndrome, suicidal, rages, confusion, self harm.

I have not started therapy yet. I have only began seeing the psychiatrist for medication management. I will say I like him. He listens.
I met the therapist however Workers Comp has to approve the sessions... so I wait.

I have two kids by the way. One is 22 and the other is 19. The 22 yr old has a little girl (age three) .... "E" has removed herself from her entire family... both father and my side. No one really knows what is going on except she needs serious help that no one but the proper authorities and her acknowledgement can give her. I very sadly say I do not have any communication with her and I do not get to see the baby.
"E" is a terrible trigger for me and she knows it and thrives off it.

The 19 year old still lives at home. He is a good kid. I am married almost 10 years to a wonderful guy and my mom lives with us. I have a wonderful support system within my home. However, I am alone a lot ....

Why am I writing....

I am a mess. I feel like crap.
Go to the doc..... ok that sounds great... however... I have PTSD so everything I am experiencing is rather jacked up normal for the disorder.
I do not sleep. I am constantly with a pit in my stomach. I eat perhaps one solid meal a day just to give me whatever I need. I cannot seem to sit still. I get over heated so fast. I want to cry at times yet I do not. I want to feel deeper than were I am.... but I am so stressed or whatever that I think my mind has put me into an emotional bubble. I do not leave my home unless I "need" to. I walk the dog more than I go anywhere it seems. I text more on the phone than talk. I do talk to Tracy more than anyone.
I am all over the pace. Nothing makes sense after I write it out.

This is where I am..... How much fun.

 

[shimmerz]

I am so sorry to hear you are unable to see your Grandbaby. I too understand this pain.

The internal chaos that comes from PTSD is tremendous. The not eating, the not sleeping, the self entrapment in the house. It all comes at such a price to inner peace. On the upside, you have a home and a good support system there. It sounds like you are grateful for that.

I wonder if there was any way that you could start a gratitude journal. I used to have a hard time with that but then I realized that for anything I did accomplish or that felt like it was a step forward, I would write it down. I was amazed at how quickly the list grew if I did it 'in the moment' but how easily I forgot if I didn't write it down. It somehow let me see that all wasn't for naught.

 

[Tia72]

You would get a kick out of the many journals and note pads I have purchased because I go through the writers Rush and then.... Nada

A gratitude journal. Whew that is a lot of commitment. To whom? I don't know.

I have this anxiety I guess I could call it. If I am expected or counted on to do anything that someone would have an opinion on... I clam up. To be honest... It was. It until this August that I stopped internalizing and let my family in.

They new much but not nearly what was important.
Ever since August it feels I have reached a new level of "screwed up" and I am more secluded and private and afraid than I was before. What if someone reads my thoughts? Too much exposure. To much to explain. At least on this page I am not intimately connected to guilt of sharing my feelings.

It is as if I had this barrier, a force field that protected me. Now... Pffffft
Forget it. It was a trick. How did I survive the first three years?

I began smoking medical cannabis in July. My mom says to call it that. She says it won't sound sound bad.
Thanks mom. I am NOT proud of smoking. I am private and discrete. It does help. Allows me to eat a little. Keeps me from the self harm temptations.
Sleeping ills are a joke. Or perhaps I have not found the right one
Sleep would be so awesome.

The woman who did this to me or whatever .... She is dead now. Died of cancer. I will never get the answers I think I need.

I still stay clear of her neighborhood. I fear seeing her family and friends. I avoid the area of my old job. I don't talk to anyone from there anymore. Too much exposure.

Sleep would be nice right now

 

[shimmerz]

I feel for myself that it is best not to commit to anyone. It is too much of an expectation and I don't do well with those. I used to be very goal oriented - now - if I do one thing in a day I rejoice. Gratitude to whom? Gratitude to you! It helps focus not on the actions of others around you 'thanks Mom' but instead - 'I got medical mj and now I am eating better'. Just your thoughts. No intrusions from outside sources. It trains your mind to think for YOU not take in the opinions of those that don't at all understand the struggle.

 

[Tia72]

I should have clarified... My 79 yr old momma.... she is all about the healing of cannabis. She introduced me to it. She only worries because of the majority of society.