Dear “I”…I hear and feel the pain and suffering, frustration, and dispair. My name is Anna and I have complex-PTSD (though the US does not recognize this diagnosis, and so I fall into the “otherwise not specified category of PTSD), Anxiety disorder, Major Depression, and Dissociative Identity Disorder. Please endeavor to take note: this is what I (or more rightly, “we”) have, not who we are.
I share frustration with veterans being used as the poster-child for this oft horrifying illness (organic, physical, psychological/psychiatric and spiritual) though I must stand in defense that no one chooses PTSD; and, those who choose to serve in military settings, are serving us at their own sacrifice. I have never found useful the comparing of suffering–PTSD (complex or acute) does not nicely and neatly to conform to such standards as a one-size-fits-all.
I would probably be peg-holed into the 5% category within this article–if I choose to let that be my demise. But, instead, I choose to fight with all my (all my “splits”) might, to not be a statistic but a human being that insists on setting my bar as high as I possibly can…if we quit, the “bad” guys win…and–I would add, we let them. When we fall to despair, we dig deeper than before and come out with greater strength to heal more and more…we must surrender to the realities of what happened /to/ us, but not to the statistics.
As for research and applying it to all those with PTSD (complex or acute), it is unfortunate. Long before my healing became paramount demanding all of my energy, effort and attention…I’d been diagnosed with PTSD. I as aghast, as I thought that was a disservice and slight and insult to veterans as I was not an amputee nor was I shot nor did I step on a landmine. I decided what happened to me paled in comparison and so I sunk deeper into the mire of symptoms…until I could no longer do that without literally dying.
There are huge deficits in research on this subject. Particularly age of trauma, longevity of trauma, developmental stages affected and/or disrupted, the relation (if any) of the perpetrator (or perpetrating event) to the one sustaining the trauma. And, how the person is received and treated once this past trauma begins to slowly or quickly express itself.
Really, there are just simply too many affecting variables to try to compare one experience to another. It is all horrifying and none choose it for themselves. No matter a child of three or a veteran who chose to sacrifice for her or his country. None choose this. All must be honored for their strengths, resilience and fortitude under incomprehensible conditions.
I think there is a generation that is an “interim-generation”. Like me (and my “splits”) and perhaps you, too, “I” … people before us lived in silence under circumstances similar to ours (that’s just how it was, reality just is reality), then our generation came and that silence began to crack and shatter and suddenly this generation (us) shows up but the appropriate help was not waiting for us–we had to wait for the help to catch up. This “interim-generation” (specifically, I am referring to childhood sexual abuse and the requisite avalanche that follows) paved the way for new laws and legislation, watchdog groups, public awareness to prevent or interrupt child abuses from that point forward. This is a good, excellent and necessary thing! And, the ‘interim-generation’ was the instigator of these changes.
But, as the “interim-generation”…those who began to gain awareness that these things are simply and totally NOT “okay”…those are the ones that must really and genuinely dig deep, find the greatest resilience, never quit, disallow surrender, be creative … and refuse to define themselves by the measure of a statistic.
Because the bottom line is that PTSD (complex or acute) is not who we are, but what happened to us as a result of what happened to us.
I fall to debilitating melancholy or terrible fits of panic–but, I try my hardest to shake myself out of such a dangerous stupor and keep moving, slowly or quickly, forward in healing. Because while my life and my experience might reflect me (and my dissociative splits) as being in the 5%…I reject numbers that serve to bind us to what what done to us. I leave statistics to statisticians…and, I am aware of their implications–but, I do not wear them as a straight-jacket.
Does it mean I will move into the “fully recovered” group? No. It just means…as a survivor, I refuse to let what happened to me define me. Life isn’t fair (for anyone)…not for a veteran, a child, a rape victim, a victim of religious organization improprieties, not for the “haves” nor the “have-nots”.
I take heart in the positive, constructive healing process that is hugely painful, often confusing, very freeing…sometimes dangerous or endangering, not often graceful. It is worth it to me (and my splits). I am vindicated by my simple (herky-jerky, not usually linear) healing process.
I am not defined by what I have. I get to define who I am and what I stand for. And, one last point…a pet peeve of ours…the public looks upon a person with PTSD with pity and dispair. NO! I reject this entirely…I see strength and an integrity to not surrender to the wrong side.
I fall short of my own self-expectations all the time. I am learning to find good, safe, compassionate people who remind me…”don’t stay in that melancholy too long…it will be your demise” or “you are not what happened to you…”
My best to all who have suffered their own unique experiences. Take heart, don’t stop, recalibrate when you get hit with a blizzard…it’s worth it. Suffering ought not be in vain, but used rightly…whether you are delegated to the60% or the 5%. It’s just a statistic, don’t use it to limit yourself, your healing and your freedom. It is used to help identify problems to work toward solutions, it’s just a number not a life-sentance.
May we all find peace.
