Relationship Ptsd Denial.

[Seagreen]

He has never been physically abusive in any if his past relationships. But do you think it will inevitably come to that point

Possibly not but your relationship is likely to be just as destructive to your health and wellbeing. Long term it could cause serious psychological damage.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

RUN RUN RUN!

You've said that you've known this guy for 10 years....you are 21, and he is 27......you last dated him 8 years ago, so you were from the ages of 11 and 13 when you were dating a 17 to 19 year old. Like I said, RUN! This guy is a predator!

 

[Justmehere]

@toomuchlovetoletgo

Wow, I'm am so sorry for what you are going through. With the amount of abuse in your own history before this guy, do you have PTSD yourself? It seems like you could be stuck in a trauma renactment cycle.

It sounds like you had very little or no outside support around you, and are in a financially difficult situation.

It sounds like at your very young age, you could be a domestic violence survivor from the previous relationships. It makes sense why you initially went for this guy as a way out. None of what you have been through or are going through is your fault.

I'm actually quite amazed by your courage to ask these tough questions and face this as much as you are. You have reasons to be proud.

There are options. There is reason to hope for a much better future. It may means a season of enduring some very difficult changes, but you strike me as someone with just enough courage to get through.

Have you done any counseling? I know funds are tight. In my area, and in many areas in the U.S., local women's shelters have a lot of resources and even free counseling and support groups for women who have been through abusive relationships. No commitment to leave any current situation is needed. They understand how hard it is to leave - and they have ways to help support you through the process and help you get on your own feet. In my area, they will even provide housing and etc while someone leaves and abusive partner and/or begins a healing process.

In the US, in many areas, you can call 211 and reach a local United way chapter an. They tend to have lists of resources for people needing support like you.

It's hard to ask for help, but you are worth it. If you have tried and it didn't work, keep trying and keeping reaching out for support and ideas here. A lot of us have really been through it and understand the tough decisions like face homelessness or say with the abuser.

You can get free of him. You can heal from the pain of doing so and find a much better life. And there may be ways of doing it without homelessness.

In the end, you may have no option but to leave - and hopefully not in a casket or by him kicking you to the curb and leaving you stranded.

Let him go so you can hold on to the bright future ahead for you.

 

[haltija]

He will jump so violently in his sleep that it wakes me up. He has no patience for anything. He also has violent outbursts over insignificant things and believes that his behavior is always justifiable... I am afraid that something small will make him snap and the damage to our relationship will be irreversible.

I mean this in as in as loving of a way that any stranger can be ... You're worried about him being in denial of PTSD, but I think there's a bigger issue in that you seem to be attached to someone that could potentially be a dangerous person. (It's not uncommon for young people to be drawn or overly attached towards someone that reminds them of a previous abuser and trying to change or fix the person, even gain that person's approval, to make up or heal the past. That's not your fault, either.)

You seem to be chasing after an idea of what you believe love is, which is probably intense and passionate and entirely in the moment. That feeling could be addicting to you, because you really feel this anger and stress and tension, which makes it dramatic and even relatable for you. Comfortable? It may even be what you have been taught love is but really, it's everything that love is not.

It's incredibly important that you change this type of thinking for yourself now, before it becomes dangerous. Even if not, you could spend years of your life wasting your breath to "fix" someone who doesn't even want to be in the first place. It would be wise to analyze what you really feel love is, because if there is any kind of truth about love, it's that true love doesn't hurt.

It shouldn't be something that wastes your energy that could be directed towards healthier things anyway.

 

[Em C.]

I am so very sorry for what you are going through, and I'm 20 so I know how hard it is. However, the longer you stay the harder it will be to go because your mind will be so warped that you won't let yourself after a time. For example: I was coerced/raped by my ex-boyfriend and I didn't realise it until we'd been broken up for over a year. My head was so confused that it didn't occur to me in the slightest. Sometimes I think we have to realise is that just because you love someone does not mean you should be with them :( Hugs and PM if you wanna talk

 

[toomuchlovetoletgo]

I did not date him was I was younger. He was my neighbor and just saw me through a lot of tough situations.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Wait, so you moved far away from home, burned all your bridges for a guy you weren't with in the past? I think that you should work on yourself at this point.

 

[Sighs]

Maybe its a case of 'out of the frying pan into the fire'? I "ran off" with a bloke when I was young and only many years later realised it was an escape route from my relatively lousy family of origin. Not a very good escape route because he turned out to be a jerk, but when you are young and have stars in your eyes you can't always see that.

For the last time (for fear of being a nag) - @toomuchlovetoletgo - get yourself out of this situation however you have to. Maybe you haven't actually burned your bridges. Reach out. And if you have burned those bridges then reach out to charities or govt agencies. Get out while you can.

 

[Justmehere]

I don't think it's his denial about PRSD that is the main issue - but your denial about your own trauma that concerns me the most. It's not because you are broken or have done anything wrong, but because things can be so much better than this and you deserve so much better.

I did not date him was I was younger. He was my neighbor and just saw me through a lot of tough situations.

It's heartbreaking that the safest person around for you when you were younger was the budding violent psychopath who lived next door...

Your bond to him, it's a type of trauma bond. Those can run deep and be so hard to walk away from, but it is so important to do so.

You have been through so much You did what you could to get through. You have survived. You don't need to defend how you got into this relationship. I've trusted people that were the best option I knew of at the time, and yet horrible options. I've burned bridges along the way too.

I've been there where I thought it was hopeless to have anything better and I have been in so much pain trying to walk away, even feeling like I was abandoning someone who was on their way to rejecting me anyhow and who was so hurtful to me.

He may have helped you before, but with his violent tendencies and own pathology, he's not the right one to help you now.

And it's not really healthy for him either. I don't care too much about him, as he has people to support him and is a horrible abuser to you. You both have your own stuff that you both need to work through - separately.

And you do have options now. You are not that kid anymore who is totally stranded and has to try to change her abuser to be safe and ok.

You can have a very different kind of life, and be cared for in a way you maybe haven't experienced before.

You are in a tough spot, but you can take steps to begin to get out and to begin to surround yourself with safe people.

It's not about fixing you and just working on your stuff, it's about taking steps to get out of this and be supported to recover and heal from the hell you have been through.

 

[Anarchy]

I don't think it's his denial about PTSD that is the main issue - but your denial about your own trauma that concerns me the most.

I was lying in bed last night, thinking exactly that.

@toomuchlovetoletgo , from what you have written, I think you have come to the right place by coming here. Welcome.

If the guys haven't already convinced you of your need to leave, you need to understand what you are dealing with, with your psychopath -

-without him being able to find out that you have looked and what you know.

(go to the file menu on your browser and open a "private window" and use it. That way it won't store any record of where you've been or what you've done in that window)

check out the "Hare Psychopathy Checklist"

It's a checklist of 20 characteristics / traits, you score it zero if the characteristic isn't present, one if it is slightly present, and two if strongly present.

To be diagnosed, your psychopath must have scored a total of at least 30:

there are therefore at the most only five traits on that list of 20 that he doesn't show, there are probably less than five, as he probably scored some ones.

as a simple exercise, see if you can work out the five. If you get more than five that you think he doesn't have - then either you or the psychiatrist who diagnosed him, have got something wrong - and the worrying thing is that it's likely to be you that is unaware of him having that trait.

The general concensus ammong psychiatrists is that psychopaths cannot be changed, you, alone, certainly cannot change him.

In terms of your feelings of attachment to him, this from al-anon might help you. what it describes is universal, it's not just about alcaholics. In your case though, your psychopath will never heal, Link Removed