BloomInWinter
VIP Member
...but if I didn't get to this, I wouldn't have the strength to go on walking through this long gray desert at all.
I have been diagnosed with severe PTSD due to multiple traumas. This has been a bit rough for me for the last 2 years with several deaths in my family of origin. This and other stressors apparently threw me into full blown PTSD & suicidal depression, though I have had PTSD for at least 15 years and didn't know it. I am approaching 20 years sobriety from alcohol, drugs...but sobriety hasn't brought me mental health & peace.
My original trauma was childhood sexual abuse from several people in my life.
I was a child witness in a federal civil courtroom trial against an abusive teacher, and she won. We were all placed back into her classroom, with no counseling, no help, no support. The case is unfortunately quite famous in school board circles, and gets mentioned at times in the media and online, triggering me into panic. A tv movie about this was made and is still shown on Lifetime sometimes, though it was from her view, which was different from my experience. A few of my classmates I am in contact with, like me, have no memory of those years of our lives.
This summer, one of the other kids who testified at the trial with us died by driving his motorcycle into the side of a train.
Another, my best friend, died of a heart attack a month later. The day of her funeral, my one family member who I still had contact with died of suspicious causes (age 42) and the case is being investigated as a possible suicide or homicide.
I was sexually assaulted during an overdose in my teen years. I almost died, but was never taken to the doctor.
In my high school years, my family went bankrupt and we lost our home. I lived out of my car during some breaks from college.
My cousin, who may have been a 1/2 sibling, died this past fall by driving her motorcycle into a truck. I believe it was a suicide.
My father (who had abused this cousin and my friend as well as me) died last summer. Nobody in my family had told me he had died. Though as I've detached from my family of origin due to the abuse, addictions, and dysfunction, it made my husband much more angry than me. I haven't gone to any family funerals because I can't handle the stress.
I was a paramedic/ER tech for 9 years in a level 2 trauma center, and I have a few calls which still haunt me.
My Mom died of Cancer when I was a senior in college. I had begged my family to get her to the doctor months before her diagnosis. Before and after she was diagnosed, my father didn't take care of her and it was very difficult to deal with.
After her death, I changed my life and got counseling, and though I was a workaholic (still am) I didn't realize it was a form of distraction. I worked two full time jobs while getting my MS degree. Then I thought a new life had begun for me.
During that time, I got into a relationship with a man who turned out to be a serial pedophile - and was hunting several children in my circle through me. A former police officer, he was getting a degree to teach school health. I put my job (and apparently my mental health) on the line to try to stop the Institution of higher education (also my employer) from allowing this. My job was threatened and he was allowed to follow me and threaten me at my place of work. Back then, there were no stalking laws.
When he graduated, I became obsessed with hunting him online and trying to prevent him from finding more women to use. My obsession to find him also generalized into finding & reporting other pedos. I've actually had some successes, but haven't felt any peace or satisfaction from any of it (though who would?) - I did gain great web skills and have changed careers as a result, though the workaholism has broken my spirit and my body down.
Last summer, I was contacted from a US Attorney's Office. They had seen my story about this online - where I had posted it publicly over ten years ago in hopes of making it harder for the Pedo to hide. They wanted me to know I was safe, and I am SO grateful they have finally caught him. After over a decade of hiding from the authorities, they have convicted him & put him in prison, though he's been abusing a child this whole time! I feel like a failure and like all the work I did trying to prevent him from hunting another child was for naught. I feel guilty and like a part of me lives where this monster lives...and I don't want that part of me back. Despite the kind words of the authorities on my efforts, knowing I did everything I could think to prevent this outcome is of no comfort to me.
I've been asked if I would consider testifying at his re-sentencing hearing (I hope to help them put him away for the maximum amount of time), but I'm not sure if I'm up to it, given the last time I testified was when I was a child and still haven't even recovered those memories.
I haven't been able to talk to people about this stuff...not that I think many would have believed me anyway. Thankfully, the police officers who helped me back then know and are willing to talk to me about this stuff, and the one who tried to help me keep safe from this guy is willing to go up with me and sit in the courtroom and be there if and when I face this monster down. Some of the kids from the school board case are also dealing with lifelong issues - and there are tons of articles and legal documents - so those are verifiable.
The nightmares and obsessive need to keep my children & me 'safe' caused me to put my family in a 'lockdown' status in our own home.
I find I only feel a glimpse of the range of human emotions as I swing wildly through the PTSD bi-shift of either extreme anxiety or numbness. Those other feelings are in the middle of that range, but right now, they have so little space in my brain that they are gone before I even seem to realize they existed. The joy from being with my children, even, lasts just seconds, if even that.
I am in counseling (CBT) and in a week, begin a 16 week group therapy for DBT. I'm working on facing my anxieties and have thus far found this forum very helpful and hopeful.
Thank you all for having the courage to post. This disease, I have found above all else, is one of increasing isolation. Well-meaning 'suggestions' from our loved ones who don't understand this illness just aren't helpful, and some actually encouraged me to disassociate from these traumas without processing them healthfully.
The 'just forgive and forget' isn't a healthy way of handling trauma when someone has injected a toxic memory into our psyche. We need to detox that out. I'm hoping to face these things down and hopefully, someday have some feelings again.
Thank you, Anthony, for raising awareness, providing group education, and bringing light into a place of darkness.
I have been diagnosed with severe PTSD due to multiple traumas. This has been a bit rough for me for the last 2 years with several deaths in my family of origin. This and other stressors apparently threw me into full blown PTSD & suicidal depression, though I have had PTSD for at least 15 years and didn't know it. I am approaching 20 years sobriety from alcohol, drugs...but sobriety hasn't brought me mental health & peace.
My original trauma was childhood sexual abuse from several people in my life.
I was a child witness in a federal civil courtroom trial against an abusive teacher, and she won. We were all placed back into her classroom, with no counseling, no help, no support. The case is unfortunately quite famous in school board circles, and gets mentioned at times in the media and online, triggering me into panic. A tv movie about this was made and is still shown on Lifetime sometimes, though it was from her view, which was different from my experience. A few of my classmates I am in contact with, like me, have no memory of those years of our lives.
This summer, one of the other kids who testified at the trial with us died by driving his motorcycle into the side of a train.
Another, my best friend, died of a heart attack a month later. The day of her funeral, my one family member who I still had contact with died of suspicious causes (age 42) and the case is being investigated as a possible suicide or homicide.
I was sexually assaulted during an overdose in my teen years. I almost died, but was never taken to the doctor.
In my high school years, my family went bankrupt and we lost our home. I lived out of my car during some breaks from college.
My cousin, who may have been a 1/2 sibling, died this past fall by driving her motorcycle into a truck. I believe it was a suicide.
My father (who had abused this cousin and my friend as well as me) died last summer. Nobody in my family had told me he had died. Though as I've detached from my family of origin due to the abuse, addictions, and dysfunction, it made my husband much more angry than me. I haven't gone to any family funerals because I can't handle the stress.
I was a paramedic/ER tech for 9 years in a level 2 trauma center, and I have a few calls which still haunt me.
My Mom died of Cancer when I was a senior in college. I had begged my family to get her to the doctor months before her diagnosis. Before and after she was diagnosed, my father didn't take care of her and it was very difficult to deal with.
After her death, I changed my life and got counseling, and though I was a workaholic (still am) I didn't realize it was a form of distraction. I worked two full time jobs while getting my MS degree. Then I thought a new life had begun for me.
During that time, I got into a relationship with a man who turned out to be a serial pedophile - and was hunting several children in my circle through me. A former police officer, he was getting a degree to teach school health. I put my job (and apparently my mental health) on the line to try to stop the Institution of higher education (also my employer) from allowing this. My job was threatened and he was allowed to follow me and threaten me at my place of work. Back then, there were no stalking laws.
When he graduated, I became obsessed with hunting him online and trying to prevent him from finding more women to use. My obsession to find him also generalized into finding & reporting other pedos. I've actually had some successes, but haven't felt any peace or satisfaction from any of it (though who would?) - I did gain great web skills and have changed careers as a result, though the workaholism has broken my spirit and my body down.
Last summer, I was contacted from a US Attorney's Office. They had seen my story about this online - where I had posted it publicly over ten years ago in hopes of making it harder for the Pedo to hide. They wanted me to know I was safe, and I am SO grateful they have finally caught him. After over a decade of hiding from the authorities, they have convicted him & put him in prison, though he's been abusing a child this whole time! I feel like a failure and like all the work I did trying to prevent him from hunting another child was for naught. I feel guilty and like a part of me lives where this monster lives...and I don't want that part of me back. Despite the kind words of the authorities on my efforts, knowing I did everything I could think to prevent this outcome is of no comfort to me.
I've been asked if I would consider testifying at his re-sentencing hearing (I hope to help them put him away for the maximum amount of time), but I'm not sure if I'm up to it, given the last time I testified was when I was a child and still haven't even recovered those memories.
I haven't been able to talk to people about this stuff...not that I think many would have believed me anyway. Thankfully, the police officers who helped me back then know and are willing to talk to me about this stuff, and the one who tried to help me keep safe from this guy is willing to go up with me and sit in the courtroom and be there if and when I face this monster down. Some of the kids from the school board case are also dealing with lifelong issues - and there are tons of articles and legal documents - so those are verifiable.
The nightmares and obsessive need to keep my children & me 'safe' caused me to put my family in a 'lockdown' status in our own home.
I find I only feel a glimpse of the range of human emotions as I swing wildly through the PTSD bi-shift of either extreme anxiety or numbness. Those other feelings are in the middle of that range, but right now, they have so little space in my brain that they are gone before I even seem to realize they existed. The joy from being with my children, even, lasts just seconds, if even that.
I am in counseling (CBT) and in a week, begin a 16 week group therapy for DBT. I'm working on facing my anxieties and have thus far found this forum very helpful and hopeful.
Thank you all for having the courage to post. This disease, I have found above all else, is one of increasing isolation. Well-meaning 'suggestions' from our loved ones who don't understand this illness just aren't helpful, and some actually encouraged me to disassociate from these traumas without processing them healthfully.
The 'just forgive and forget' isn't a healthy way of handling trauma when someone has injected a toxic memory into our psyche. We need to detox that out. I'm hoping to face these things down and hopefully, someday have some feelings again.
Thank you, Anthony, for raising awareness, providing group education, and bringing light into a place of darkness.
