Ptsd Emotional Numbing

[ms spock]

In September I joined an art class because my T kept stressing the need to mix with others. It was really, really hard. But very slowly I am starting to feel more comfortable, although I have a long way to go before I 'enjoy' the session, but I'm hopeful that it will come!!

Art is actually quite hard because you have to concentrate so much whilst doing it. I am glad you are getting out and seeing other people. That is big! But I don't know why all the Ts and Psys think art is the go for someone who is undergoing a hard time. I look at all the students who are full time and they are grey from exhaustion and some of the part timers are looking shockingly tired as well.

Anyway you are brave to go!
ms spock

 

[Char]

In the end you have to hold onto blind faith that you will come right eventually and revert to the usual state that you have - feeling. For me this state makes up the majority of my life so although I am scared when I am shut down that I won't come right I always do sooner or later.

>

I know that there are people here who have survived unspeakable, life altering events: war, rape, assaults. I feel safe here sharing mine even though it still feels like a risk. See that little guy in my icon? His name is Pallino (named after the little white ball in the bocci set, the pallina). He developed symptoms of a brain tumor in May. All he could do was pace and pace around the house. He even forgot what his toys were for. It was only going to get worse, maybe even seizures. He was my first pet, my soul mate. I promised him that I would not keep him here for me. June 1st, I released him. I held him during the procedure. Backing up, when my friend and I were just about to arrive at the vet's office that evening, I looked at Pallino on my lap, and all of a sudden, I found myself having to remind myself that he was my dog. Then I had to think for what seemed forever as to what his face looked like and that he had had some problems. I didn't understand what had just happened. I told my vet.

The procedure didn't go well. The vet had a hard time with the first attempt to get the needle in causing him to pull and yelp. I know I cried but I don't think it was a cry that you feel in your chest. I turned him over to cradle him and his eyes were open. I didn't expect that. As I carried him, I felt some movement inside him, it turns out that that was normal relfexy thing, but no one warned me, so I threw open the door and started yelling "hey!" because I thought the meds had not worked.

I am a vegetarian because I can't tolerate the thought of harming an animal and there I was ending the life of the "person" who I most loved in the world. I know in my mind that I could not have let him go on like that but logic doesn't seem to help much. I tried to cry the next day and realized that I couldn't and that all my emotions had just shut down.

I have another dog who will be 12 in a couple of weeks. He is as cute as can be but I can't feel anything for him. I don't think he knows that I am different....at least I hope so.

I look at Pallino's pictures and I can remember who he was and what he did but I can't remember the feelings. It is like I only have access to the factual part of his being here.

I haven't had a drink in over 8 years and I have really REALLY been thinking of starting again through all of this. I have also thought about just checking out. After all, I let Pallino go when there was no quality left for him. I just don't think I can ever love like that again. It was such a special bond. I do not have kids. He was my child.

 

[ms spock]

...and realized that I couldn't and that all my emotions had just shut down.

It is like I only have access to the factual part of his being here.

I haven't had a drink in over 8 years and I have really REALLY been thinking of starting again through all of this. I have also thought about just checking out. After all, I let Pallino go when there was no quality left for him. I just don't think I can ever love like that again. It was such a special bond. I do not have kids. He was my child.

It is a special bond and a hard one to lose. I don't like the idea of people being there when this was done because if you haven't been used to seeing animals euthanased it is too distressing.

I feel for you - losing a bond that kept you in this here and now it so big and now you have shut down. I don't blame you really. To lose such a big attachment is huge.

The thing is that Pallino had an inoperable brain tumour and you are suffering from shock and grief so it is not a comparable situation.

I know this is probably way, way too early but don't forget there are a ton of rescue dogs out there that desperately need homes.

Hang in there,
ms spock
ms spock

 

[Char]

It is a special bond and a hard one to lose.

Ms Spock,

Thank you for the sensitive reply. Yesterday my T suggested that I just accept this state for now. When I asked her how she would cope in the meantime, she said she'd tell herself it wasn't so bad. When I heard her say "it's not so bad" I began to hyperventilate...couldn't breathe. I felt like she didn't understand what I had been sharing for months now: not being able to connect to others, not being able to find reward or enjoyment in activities, not being able to feel love or give love, not being able to remember how I felt about the 1 who was the most important "person" in my life, feeling helpless and hopeless. I really have to think about whether I want to continue therapy. What I wouldn't give to have been able to feel angry.

 

[ms spock]

Why are people so insensitive to tell someone that it wasn't so bad? When it is obviously is that bad for the person?
Denial is not helping someone to process their grief. That is poor form.

It is catastrophic to lose a beloved pet like that. I have a friend who is in a terrible state since her first dog died, cat died and her little terrier died. I reallly don't know if she will ever come back from the place she is now.

Our pets - they are our family - you never get over losing family.

Well I haven't gotten over the loss of my family.

Such insensitivity is a worry to me.

It would have been more helpful to say the pain is intense now so being kind to yourself
is important.

ms spock

 

[Char]

It would have been more helpful to say the pain is intense now so being kind to yourself
is important.

ms spock

Ms Spock,

I am taken by your level of compassion, understanding, and wisdom.

Sorry about your family. I don't know if you want to share about what happened but I am willing to "listen".

I have a session today. I am pretty sure I will need to let her know that I need to seek counseling elsewhere. The thing is, I don't know who else is trained to work with folks with emotional numbing. I have 4+ months in with this T. I wish I knew where to turn for help. I'll see what she has to say today. It left me wondering if she could tell herself he was just a dog.

I am trying to accept this for now. I just wish I knew how long it will be. I know I need to feel the loss and sadness. It boggles my mind that I don't really think about him much and to only come up with "factual" information in regards to him.

I am going to talk to her about asking my family doctor for an antidepressant. I've told the T. how distraught and hopeless I feel. There are days when I just don't know if I can hang on. We are built to feel connected and to feel love. Just breathing is not living.

THANK YOU for caring and responding.

Char

 

[ms spock]

I really know what it is like to lose a loved and cherished pet.

Do you have any helplines that you can ring? And do you have any support groups? Do you know what professional associations are available in your area so you can shop around?

With the feelings you are holding at the moment I feel (in my completely non expert opinion) that meds are the way to go.

Thanks for your generous offer to listen about my family. You have too much on your plate now though. I think your offer is sweet and kind. However, I feel you looking after you needs to be your number one priority.

You need a soft pillow or mattress to land in and on.

 

[ms spock]

I was thinking that you are being way too hard on yourself that you must feel like this and that it is wrong that you can recall factual information and not have feelings about you great loss yet. Ease up on yourself a little. I know it must be so hard to have lost your one and only solace. That is extremely painful and distressing.

But don't beat yourself up for feeling or not feeling. If you can not beat yourself up. (I have challenges around this myself) you could just notice yourself. You could notice how it is for you, right now, in this minute.

Grief has its own rhythms. It won't come and go as we wish. And it is important for you not to judge yourself on how your grieving is today, tomorrow or yesterday. It is grief. It will come of its own accord.

You really need to be just a tad nicer to your self rather than judging yourself and your grief and your loss. If this is your way of avoiding the grief - then please ignore what I have typed.

If you can a suggested comment to you T could be - I didn't feel understood. I didn't feel cared for. I didn't feel like you got how huge this is for me.

Anyway that is my contribution, if any thing is not helpful then please take the care it is meant with and not the mistake/s I might have made.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

We are built to feel connected and to feel love. Just breathing is not living.

And not having that is just so painful. I really feel for you.

 

[ms spock]

When I heard her say "it's not so bad" ...couldn't breathe. I felt like she didn't understand what I had been sharing for months now: not being able to connect to others...

To lose the one connection, in this situation is just so heart breaking. Feeling unheard is just so scary and painful.

 

[Saphy]

I don't find meaning or pleasure in anything right now.

Yeah I feel so non-human because I can never keep an interest in anything... I can't even get addicted to anything. I just get tired of everything so quickly. So I took up a language instead and started learning their culture. It's been fun but... not always do I keep the interest. I am also really good at languages though so I guess I won't feel worse if I fail at it somehow... I'll just think I'm learning. I'm currently learning to be fluent in Korean and Mandarin.

 

[Char]

meds are the way to go.

Hi, Ms Spock,

You are right. I was being hard on myself for this state...actually wondering if I had actually loved him.

I saw a psychiatrist a few days ago and he put me on an anti-depressant. I kept telling my T about the despair and hopelessness but she didn't suggest meds. I should have been on these months ago. Maybe I am just imaging this, but I feel better already. I know the meds can't help me feel but I am not feeling agitated about not being able to feel. It makes me not care that I can't care, if that makes sense. I am actually able to function.

I was thinking today that I may have to accept that I may not get to connect to how I loved him. The fact remains that I did have the chance to love him for 13 years and he knew my love. So it is if I may need to grieve loosing my memories. I don't know. But for today, I can accept that. The twist, of course, is that emotions are a package deal. My mind's " job" of shutting off memory/feelings with this issue also shuts emotions down period. I've been assured that they will return. Guess I just have a fear fo being the exception to the rule.How amazing our minds are!

I believe I am leaving the current T and returning to an earlier T. (I only took a break from her because she doesn't treat PTSD.) I've been told that the approach a T uses is not as key as the relationship.)

Thank you again for you compassionate thoughts. Bless you. Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for you and your posts.