Sufferer Ptsd For Many Years. Every Time I Think I'm Healing I Screw It Up. The Self-sabotaging Needs To Stop

[danceintherain]

I am 23 years old and I have PTSD. Over 8 years I have been diagnosed with Depression(MDD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder(GAD), OCD, PTSD, Anorexia, and Drug Addiction in that order. From age 15-19 I was in an EXTREMELY abusive relationship. He controlled every aspect of my life, made me not wear makeup, no eye contact allowed with guys, I had to find girls for him to sleep with, I had to get naked pictures of other girls for him, I had to give him all my money, I couldn't talk to a person unless I had permission from him, I couldn't go on family vacations, I had to pretend to be bisexual and ask my friends for threesomes, I had to be a certain weight, I had to "stop being OCD," I had to keep a daily log of my behavior and interactions. If I didn't obey his rules I would be punished emotionally. He told me EVERY DAY I was a horrible person, I was going to hell, no one would ever love me if I left him. I tried to leave him once and he threatened to send me to jail for many years (his father was an international lawyer and I was so brainwashed I believed him). Punishment for trying to leave him that time was being his slave for 6 months as if I wasn't already. And this whole time no one could know we were "together" because I wasn't good enough to be with him "publicly."

After that came an onslaught of horrible relationships which always involved heavy drug use, alcohol, and more emotional abuse. I was again raped. I cut myself and slept around during this time. I also did nude bondage videos for money for drugs because I didn't have any respect for myself whatsoever. I then went to rehab for two months for my addiction to shooting up oxycodone. It worked.... sort of. I haven't shot up in 3 years. But I still get black out drunk and ruin every good relationship/job/friendship/opportunity I have been given since.

But then, FINALLY, something my mom has been saying for years clicked. Light-bulb!
I am sabotaging myself. AND it is directly related to the PTSD which I never sought treatment for although I have been in counseling for years for other things. I did some hard core research... and it's common to set yourself up for failure because you don't believe you deserve to be happy. And it's so true for me.. like clockwork. I have zero self-esteem.

The catalysis was three days ago when I thought my boyfriend was going to propose to me. He treated me SO well, was supportive of my PTSD, and we had a wonderful healthy relationship(or so I thought). He didn't propose. The next night I went out to a bar with my friend, got shitfaced, text message broke up with him, and slept with an old friend we ran into at the bar. Then it was over between me and that guy. I hurt him so bad. I was his first love. God I wanted to marry him.. But I have done that to the last 4 guys I've been with... and even farther back. I despise it but I am a chronic cheater. But every time I intend it to be a break up. and every time it involves alcohol or drugs. And every time I am full of so much regret, hate myself, have a mental break down, and swear I'll never drink again. And then I move on to the next guy in a matter of DAYS because I CAN'T be alone.
End Rant

Conclusion: I need help. Serious help. I want to love myself respect myself, be capable of holding a job, not be paralyzed by fear and panic attacks, be able to cope with stress in a healthy way, and be able to be in a truly healthy relationship. I'm thinking of an inpatient PTSD/addiction treatment center. They have some ones that look pretty good around the country. I am looking into Recovery Ranch.

What I ask from you:

1. Any feedback
2. Any similar experiences (ie. confirm I'm not crazy)
3. Has anyone done long term inpatient treatment for PTSD

Thank you sincerely for reading and any help.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi, I just wanted to stop by and say welcome.

 

[intothelight]

Hi danceintherain,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

There are several posts by members who have treated inpatient, and by using the search function you should be able to find these. Each person that suffers PTSD will have a different range of symptoms, and from what you have described, you are not crazy. Getting help and working on recovery is your first step to managing this disorder and reclaiming your own life.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I've been in a number of treatment programs but none similar to what you're interested in. I know others will give you more feedback. Maybe do a search or post in one of the PTSD forums? Not everyone visits the intro forum.

My suggestion? Stay single until you're further along in your healing. If you bring someone in at this stage, it will be a distraction and you need to take time to work on you.

Welcome.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)

 

[cdg]

Welcome. Sounds bad. Keep your chin up.

 

[BonnieSQL]

Welcome :) You're definitely not crazy, and you're far stronger and saner than you think because you're consciously looking for help. The fact that you want to love and respect and help yourself will help you get there. I think looking for an in-patient center is a great idea. I've been on a recent search for one myself, and have found nice things about Timberline Knolls so far, though I don't know much more beyond a few random forums online where people have said they loved it there. Hugs, Bonnie

 

[The Albatross]

My first husband was extremely controlling and a sexual sadist. He was violent and abusive. I sabotaged some relationships and even tried repeatedly to push my present husband away. I've been married now for 23 years. I somehow avoided drug addiction but my maladaptive coping pattern was alcohol. I have been in and around recovery for about 13 years.

It is a solid observation that your cheating/sabotaging behavior comes out under the influence of booze or drugs. Both are "disinhibitors"... meaning that substance use/abuse can reduce the capacity to edit or manage the immediate impulsive response to a situation.

Congratulations on your three years clean from shooting up. This far in, perhaps it is time to extend your recovery to alcohol use and perhaps your traumatic/abuse issues so that you do not continue to stay stuck in the cycle you're finding yourself in. The sooner you break the cycle and deal with the maladaptive behaviors, the sooner you will begin to become more able to be expansive enough to have longer term relationships without sabotaging or cheating.

Congratulations too on finding this out about yourself, seeking out help here, and being "only" 23. I wish I knew at your age what I know now. I didn't even know I had PTSD until after I dealt with my alcohol abuse.

Glad you're here.

 

[Loloma]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

 

[Brad1980]

Welcome to the forum. I was emotionally tortured by a mentally ill drunken parent for a decade. Speaking from experience the drinking and drug use don't help PTSD or other mental illness issues you may have. You are far stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You lived through and got out of the situation you were in. That takes lot of strength. You can get better if you want to,but you have to put in the work to get better. Good luck on your journey.
Peace

 

[Calmwinds]

Hi, you are not alone, not crazy and it's great you are seeking help at your age. I am sorry that you had to experience your manipulative/abusive ex. I am also glad to hear you are no longer turning to your addictions to cope. If you would like to chat about our pasts, present and future, please send me a message. I am a few years older, but know what you have been through (to some extent)

 

[DMerish]

Hi Dancin'

You are not "crazy" - You are smart - that showed in your well written and organized intro.

You've just been doing some crazy things, and crazy things have happened to you. You're in good company here with others who have had crazy things done to them, around them, and a few of us have done some crazy things too. But the lot of us here are compassionate, supportive people, and I'm glad you found this forum.

Having that "light bulb" turn on at your age is very, very fortunate. Your age may enable you to be eligible for some programs that older individuals are not eligible for. The "light bulb" may flicker from time to time in your journey, but don't let it go out. If you are serious about your recovery, I'd suggest going to 12-step AA groups - you don't have to believe in God - only that you have/are often powerless over some of your behaviors and you wish to change that. Also, a good therapist that specializes in trauma may be very helpful at this stage also. I suggest these things because finding a residential program and actually starting a program at one might take a little time. So, as you hope and work towards finding one, begin working on yourself through resources available now.

There are people from all over the globe that post in this forum, so I'm not certain if the Recovery Ranch you referred to is the one in California (USA). If it is, I believe it is for men only, and you may want to find one that is for women only (due to your past and protecting yourself from abusive relationship/relapse while in recovery because you'll be quite vulnerable). Just a thought to consider.

If you do a google search for "PTSD recovery programs" you'll get a list of several in different areas. I'm sorry I can't help you more at this time.

:hug: Drew