Relationship PTSD friend blocked me

[Sideways]

We had a good friendship and shared a lot about our lives.

No, you didn’t.

You had a relationship that had no appropriate boundaries, he opened up to you despite knowing that you were completely untrustworthy, it was never just “friends chatting” (he asked you for nudes? Wtf?), and he’s tried to extract himself multiple times.

You keep brushing off comments about your infidelity (no, grief doesn’t do that - you did that, take responsibility for it), about how you’re actually doing him way more harm than good, about how he’s blocked direct communication (no, leaving you able to comment in his social media is not an invitation), and you completely disrespect him and his choices because your chats got really personal?

Please!

To add to the mix, you now disclose that you went into this knowing that he was the client of an organisation trying to help people with their mental health.

You are being manipulative, disrespectful, and abusing a position of power with someone who you know to be vulnerable.

You aren’t a friend to him. You’re f*cking with his head. He’s told you to back off. It doesn’t get any clearer than that.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He swore he wouldn’t do it again but then did it, so maybe this is one of his destructive tendencies.

If you consider his past involvement with married women a destructive tendency, why is your involvement with him not?

 

[Ptsdpal]

If you consider his past involvement with married women a destructive tendency, why is your involvement with him not?

You’re actually totally right. And there were things I didn’t see until I took forced time away from talking to him daily.
I’m a habit he has fallen into and after he kicks himself for it. Some of his behaviors I saw and told him. He would admit to them. Others like this I didn’t see until now.

 

[whiteraven]

I’m a habit he has fallen into and after he kicks himself for it. Some of his behaviors I saw and told him. He would admit to them. Others like this I didn’t see until now.

So, do you take responsibility for your part in this at all?

Even here

Maybe we got too close and he needs to put himself in check.

and here

he was definitely the one pursuing

and here (he may have pursued, but it takes two...)

Grief makes people do crazy stuff

and here (yeah, but typically it doesn't make a person cheat on their spouse, unless there are issues in the marriage)

I invested a lot into the friendship, maybe to the point of neglecting my own needs at one point, and now I’m left feeling empty and confused.

You make it clear that it's him or grief that is causing the issues. You chose to regularly text him, to give him your number, to get involved physically, and--maybe more importantly--to have an intensely intimate emotional relationship. It's really tough to be that close and intimate emotionally with anyone and keep it just "friendly"--esp. when one of the individuals is already vulnerable. You get attached, it often leads to sexual intimacy, and when someone wants a break, the other gets hurt. And the one who is vulnerable--already hurt.

Then he snapped one day and said he wanted to go back to just being social media friends and that our friendship was unfair to him. So once again I backed off and a few days later he came back.

If you hadn't set any boundaries before, this should have screamed the need to--"our friendship" is unfair to [me].

And I said I would have been a good military girlfriend because I was loyal to my crushes back in the day. He said he knew I would have been and the thought had been in his head of how I would have been liked by his peers and impressed his higher ups and probably would have helped him get promotions. He had told me he wished he could find a single woman like me.

It sounds to me here and in other comments that you really enjoyed the attention and all the great things he had to say about you. Nothing wrong with that generally, but it might be useful to you to explore your reactions here.

We would take turns sending good morning texts. He would check on how I was doing with my grief. I would see how he was handling his depression or if he had a nightmare. We were so open with each other. We even talked about things some people don’t share with all friends like his ibs problems and my chronic constipation over the years like those topics can be uncomfortable but we felt comfortable enough to share them with one another.

This kind of intimacy is what I was talking about earlier.

I’ll give him time to let him work through it.

Wondering if you could maybe take some time and work through your part in this?

The only things I can possibly imagine are our friendship mimicked a relationship to him and prevented him from looking further.

Definitely possible. If it were me, I would be setting clear and strong boundaries with him. Because how you describe your relating to him *sounds* like a relationship.

And for why I feel he should continue the friendship, well, I will be honest. He openly admitted how many married women he has been with. He swore he wouldn’t do it again but then did it, so maybe this is one of his destructive tendencies.

Again, you talk about him being with married women. But what about you, as a married woman, having a relationship--however brief--with someone outside your marriage? I haven't seen any response to this in this thread--only that you are dealing with grief, and that made you do it.

To add to the mix, you now disclose that you went into this knowing that he was the client of an organisation trying to help people with their mental health.

You are being manipulative, disrespectful, and abusing a position of power with someone who you know to be vulnerable.

This.

 

[Ptsdpal]

So, do you take responsibility for your part in this at all?

Even here

and here

and here (he may have pursued, but it takes two...)

and here (yeah, but typically it doesn't make a person cheat on their spouse, unless there are issues in the marriage)

You make it clear that it's him or grief that is causing the issues. You chose to regularly text him, to give him your number, to get involved physically, and--maybe more importantly--to have an intensely intimate emotional relationship. It's really tough to be that close and intimate emotionally with anyone and keep it just "friendly"--esp. when one of the individuals is already vulnerable. You get attached, it often leads to sexual intimacy, and when someone wants a break, the other gets hurt. And the one who is vulnerable--already hurt.


If you hadn't set any boundaries before, this should have screamed the need to--"our friendship" is unfair to [me].


It sounds to me here and in other comments that you really enjoyed the attention and all the great things he had to say about you. Nothing wrong with that generally, but it might be useful to you to explore your reactions here.

This kind of intimacy is what I was talking about earlier.

Wondering if you could maybe take some time and work through your part in this?

Definitely possible. If it were me, I would be setting clear and strong boundaries with him. Because how you describe your relating to him *sounds* like a relationship.

Again, you talk about him being with married women. But what about you, as a married woman, having a relationship--however brief--with someone outside your marriage? I haven't seen any response to this in this thread--only that you are dealing with grief, and that made you do it.

This.

So first thing since a few people are mentioning: I am not in any position of power at any organization. Not in my job, not in my volunteer efforts. I have not abused power since I don’t have any. Second, my friend was involved with an entirely different organization than the one I volunteer for but our mutual friend/acquaintance volunteered for both, which is how we met.

Now, my role in all of this, yes, cheating was wrong. But yes, it’s actually part of reckless behavior that people sometimes partake in while grieving. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, cheating. Things that give a dopamine boost. And I will admit, I was emotionally numb for a while.
As for boundaries, I didn’t realize we needed them until we crossed over to texting and things started getting weird.
We went 10-11 months with the most polite chats. Some of them were more in depth about personal experiences but I never felt uncomfortable.
He only flipped the switch within the last two months.
Our mutual friend did say he told her that he likes to play games with people because people don’t make him feel important enough and she thinks him partially blocking me is a mind game to make me think.
She says he’s in denial about how bad his ptsd is.
So of course here I am doing what he wanted, thinking of why he did what he did.

Might be the longer I don’t talk to him every day, the more I’ll realize how much I should step back, regardless of marital status.

 

[Sweetpea76]

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[Sweetpea76]

Might be the longer I don’t talk to him every day, the more I’ll realize how much I should step back, regardless of marital status.

This is probably the best thing. It does not seem like a beneficial situation for either of you. A situation can be toxic even if there was no malicious intention.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm glad this popped up again. I keep thinking of your veteran "friend" and how this is adding so much stress to his life.

Twenty-two Veterans kill themselves every day. (I happen to think that number is low.) And you're here worried about yourself and how he isn't giving you the attention you want. This whole situation is a cluster f*$k, if you ask me. I know my Veteran always has SI and if he was in a situation like this mess, it would push him to the edge.

Mental illness isn't anything to F around with!! He might be kind and sweet but he is a veteran with ptsd. Anything can happen.

Obviously you aren't happy in your marriage and your husband doesn't deserve this crap either. You need to get your priorities straight.

Leave the man alone. He has enough problems without you adding yours.

Good luck.

 

[Freida]

but this friendship was “unfair” him,

it is unfair to him. You let him into your life, encouraged him to open and and be honest with you, knowing he had ptsd and a history of affairs, and then you allowed this to go to the point of having sex with him.

I know I sound like Im placing all the blame on you, as if he didn't have any part of it, and that's not my point.
My point is that neither of you were stable, neither of you had boundaries, neither of you were paying attention to the rabbit hole you were headed down. So from where I sit it looks like he figured it out before you did and thats why he bailed.

But you won't let him go.

As for your friends "theories" ? Unless she is a mental health professional she doesn't have any right to try to second guess or explain what someone else is going thru. And if she doesn't have ptsd and isn't a vet she needs to keep her mouth shut about what might be going thru our heads because she has.no.idea! (ya, sorry, I'll admit that's a trigger for me because i HATE it when people guess or bitch about what they think is going on in my head.)

My husband knows I talk to a lot of veterans

Sorry hun - there is a huge difference between talking with veterans and having affairs with them.
I'm guessing he would agree.

Maybe marriage counseling is something you should focus on before moving forward trying to help other vets. Trust is a huge issue with ptsd, and while vets will fall into very intense relationships they are usually short and abrupt simply because we don't trust people. So building trust with someone you know you can never have a relationship with because they are married? Ya - that's gonna blow up spectacularly

If you want to continue to work with ptsd vets you need to learn how to lay down strong boundaries and keep them, regardless if you are married or not.

This not the first time I’ve given a lot and had a door slammed in my face.

Yep. You are choosing to work with people who are very damaged. They are going to be needy and unpredictable and take you for granted and walk off without a word. That's ptsd 101.

It's up to you to keep the boundaries if you are going to help people like this.

He swore he wouldn’t do it again but then did it, so maybe this is one of his destructive tendencies. Maybe he gets involved with married women or otherwise emotionally unavailable women for his own validation and it’s a vicious cycle he continues to repeat.

Maybe married women shouldn't be taking advantage of his ptsd and sleeping with him!
Look to your own destructive tendencies and need for validation before you blame his
I've been married a long time and it pisses me off when married people blame the single guy or gal for their affairs. If your marriage is in trouble get counseling. Don't bring someone with mental health issues into your life and use them as a distraction from what you have going on at home

But he desperately wants to talk!

Then he needs a therapist or a vet group.
Somewhere safe.
You are not safe. Not anymore

He thinks people don’t do good things for others without an ulterior motive.

Well, can you blame him?

He only flipped the switch within the last two months.

Ok, let's say this again
He's figured out he is involved with a married woman
He has done this before and told himself it would never happen again
It did - with you
You are a constant reminder that he screwed up - again. That his ptsd won - again. That he broke a promise to himself - again.
He is correcting his path to not make the same mistake in the future
That means walking away from his last mistake - which is you.

Is that fair? Nope
But it's the way it has to be for him to learn how to not continue the cycle

 

[DarkVixen]

For a married person you are way too involved. For his sake stay away, you are bringing drama to both your lives, PTSD or not. It isn't friendship, you are only kidding yourself and leading him on. Turn your attention to your marriage. Fix that. Because from the sounds of it, it ain’t all that and a bag of chips. And if it is doomed, then leave and get yourself in order and minus baggage before you find someone else.

I have to agree with this. Instead of focusing on the rejection from someone you met online, that you thought you had this great connection with and now they have gone dark, maybe think more about why you are seeking this close relationship to someone outside of your marriage and what that means for you.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

As evidenced by the fact that he blocked you.

Giving space to someone with PTSD? IS a loving act. The same way you would give space to someone puking in the toilet, instead of bringing them plate after plate of delicious food… and getting more and more violent rejections to doing so. From sweet, to annoyed, to irritated, to the door slammed in your face, to them up and leaving to go be miserable & happy/fine/well anywhere else.

You’re in the door slammed in your face part.

Next stage of being pushed away? Is worse.

So candid . So true @Friday.

So painful- To been the receiving end of block, door slam, no contact , MIA and total out of character behaviour.

Note to self- do the grieving.

So burnt out guys!

It is almost Friday , Friday. ( this is MY-crazy)

 

[Freida]

total out of character behaviour.

out of character?
or the first time you have seen it?

Ptsd doesn't give us the right to use others as our personal pinatas
But it also comes with a crap ton of maladaptive coping techniques we can only hide for so long.
Just a thought....