Ptsd From The Trauma Of Recovering Repressed Memories?

[Bedbug]

I was sexually abused by a family member for around a year when I was eight/nine years old. I repressed memories of this for over twenty years although, looking back, I can see how that one year changed me and affected my whole life from that point onwards (low self esteem, social anxiety, gender identity issues, lack of trust, and frequent dissociation to name just a few things).

The least traumatic memories began to emerge when I was in my late twenties/early thirties and I began to suffer physical pain and paid frequent visits to the doctor whereas I had only seen a doctor once in the previous twenty years. My memories were of fairly minor events and I did not think of myself as having been abused. As a result I didn't realise the cause of my physical pain.

Then late last year I went through two bad experiences in one weekend and BAM - floodgates opened, memories recovered, I totally fell apart.

As soon as I was able, I started looking for ways to help myself. I read Anthony's thread on processing memories (Link Removed) and, over a two month period, began to write down my memories. I made a long list and worked through them one by one, in as much detail as I could manage.

I think I missed an important one: the time I recovered my memories.

My memory of recovering my memories is terrifying. It tore me apart. Everything I thought I knew was suddenly in question. My life was shattered.

I have been picking up the pieces and rebuilding a new life. Processing my memories has been a major part of this. I have written a little about the moment the truth came bursting out, but not to the same degree as I have written about my abuse memories.

I guess my question is whether I should be treating this experience in the same way as I am treating my childhood experiences? Should I be making efforts to process my memory of recovering my memories?

In many ways, what happened to me when my memories came back was another trauma, one that meets the criteria for PTSD as defined by the DSM. I was exposed to sexual violence. I witnessed it directly, through flashbacks. I constantly go back to that time, when life as I knew it stopped. I am horrified by what happened to me when my mind released its memories and shattered my soul into a million tiny pieces. I relive the moment I became an abused child over and over again, much as I relive my childhood memories of abuse.

Does anyone else feel like this? It is almost like I have two levels of PTSD: one from the original trauma and one from the moment that trauma was recalled.

 

[Echo]

@Bedbug - I don't know what we should do about it, but I fully agree that when the memories come full tilt, and for the months that follow, we are in a state of deep shock and trauma. It is the loss of a compass, our identity and many key aspects of our lives, particularly I think for those of us who were abused by family members. The consequences, and what we have to then put in train in order to make ourselves safe, are enormous and very difficult, precisely at a moment when we need comfort, reassurance and familiarity. It is shattering, both to body and soul. Hugs to you. I understand.

 

[PureDogs]

@Bedbug

I can relate to this feeling because I went through varies of abuses that I would not be comfortable to details on here. It is hard to talk about it because of lack of memories. Yes, memories does come back in little pieces then use it as puzzle to get whole picture - yes, it can be painful to see the full picture.

There are many times that I feel anger inside for no reason and is not able to figure it out. Sometimes I am able to identify what anger is coming from and other time I am not able to. When I am not able to - I do my best to distract myself even it is not good to keep it in the bottle and it is better to get out.

I do want to get it out but how? How can I get out of bottle if I have difficult to remember or block memories?

I'm glad I'm not only one here.

 

[Bedbug]

@Echo, thank you. It helps to know that someone understands what I am trying to say.

Unlike some people with an adult trauma which resulted in them developing PTSD and who may wish to get back to their pre-trauma state, I cannot wish for this. My adult trauma - recovering my memories - has left me without a pre-remembering state. Recovering my memories has destroyed the self I had before. I think this is partly why I am finding self-soothing so difficult. The self that is doing the soothing has only existed for a short time.

precisely at a moment when we need comfort, reassurance and familiarity.

I have no familiarity. I am new. I am doing my best to comfort myself and reassure myself, but I am something other than a self struggling with PTSD. I am an unfamiliar being (that has been created by PTSD?).

I don't mean to belittle the experience of those who have suffered PTSD from an adult trauma, but rather to highlight a difference in my case. I wish my trauma had happened later. I wish I had not repressed my memories of it. I wish I was myself, now struggling with PTSD. I don't know who I am.

 

[Bedbug]

@PureDogs, I am not sure I can help. The bottle containing my memories got smashed last year and when it fell apart it shattered my entire being as well.

I am traumatised by what happened to the self I used to be, but I am also traumatised by what happened when the bottle burst. I sometimes wish I could find a new bottle and shove all those memories of childhood abuse inside so I could get myself back. But that wouldn't work. Forgetting that year of abuse is not enough. I would need to forget my entire life, now that I see how that year affected me.

I am something else now, something new. I have only had this identity for a short time. It is very confusing. Very distressing. But it is something different from the pain of seeing the full picture, as you put it. It is the creation of a new "I" who sees that picture.

 

[Echo]

@Bedbug - I mean familiarity from those around us. For many people, without abuse histories, if they have problems they know, if all else fails, they can go home or back to their parents, where they know they are loved. We don't have that; and the truth is we have never had that.

My first abuse memory goes back to when I was two weeks old, so I totally get this sense of not knowing who you are. When it all emerged for me, I was acutely aware that I had lost my identity. I could see that so much of how I had been trained by circumstance to become was as a result of the traumatic experiences I had suppressed. Although it explained so much about why people in my family had behaved around me as they had for the whole of my life - things that had confused, hurt and puzzled me all along - it made me really wonder who I actually was. Primarily it helped me to understand why my blood family did nothing to intervene when they heard me being raped and screaming for help on a family holiday when I was 20. It still hurts like anything, but I can see the back story now. My mother always wanted me punished and preferably dead and my father just did not care. And nothing has happened to change that and never will. My sisters have bought into the storyline created and promoted by my mother and two of them chose to stay in that denial and believe that version of events. They don't even realise that what they say and think is totally dysfunctional.

I did spend some time really trying to find positive things about myself, things that I had achieved despite it all, and elements of my personality that I had managed to retain in opposition (if you like) to my parents (I wasn't like them; I didn't treat people like that; I am not an abuser). I found it helpful to do that and to hear my good friends tell me what I meant to them. I do stand for some pretty great values and I don't go around hurting people, and never have. It is still pretty patchy, but I am trying to reclaim some of the things that have been important to me in life and have either been taken away from me because of the abuse (because I lacked confidence, for instance, or believed I didn't deserve them). I am going to try to rebuild my life on the basis of these positive things and make it about my values, and more than anything, I am not going to allow anyone who abuses me stay in my life. They are all getting a warning; I am setting new boundaries; and I'm telling them the consequence of not respecting those things. I don't want to be hard-hearted. I prefer to live with my heart open, but I have to do this weeding out now and then build from there. They get a chance to change. Yes, it is all new, and there is no road map, but I am determined it is going to be very good and very positive from now on. Some days are awful and impossible, but if I keep this in mind, I see tiny bits of progress. You are a lovely person - we can tell you are on here - so don't get pulled down any further by it all.

 

[PureDogs]

@Bedbug

That alright and I can follow up with my therapist about that part.

Sometimes I would ask myself - is it worth it to digging and make peace to understand what or/and where I come from or it is not worth it and go on becoming new "me".

 

[shell]

I think I missed an important one: the time I recovered my memories.

My memory of recovering my memories is terrifying. It tore me apart. Everything I thought I knew was suddenly in question. My life was shattered.

I have been picking up the pieces and rebuilding a new life. Processing my memories has been a major part of this. I have written a little about the moment the truth came bursting out, but not to the same degree as I have written about my abuse memories.

I guess my question is whether I should be treating this experience in the same way as I am treating my childhood experiences? Should I be making efforts to process my memory of recovering my memories?

Does anyone else feel like this? It is almost like I have two levels of PTSD: one from the original trauma and one from the moment that trauma was recalled.

This I can totally relate to, in fact it was the subject of my last therapy session.

For me the lack of support at a time when my life was falling apart was totally devasting, and I needed to acknowledge the pain of not just getting my memories back, but destruction of my life as I knew it, because it has never been the same since. Do we get PTSD from the memory of recovering memories or from the memories themselves, or did we have it all the time but never acknowlege it because we are in denial ? For me I suspect it was always there,in denial, but the symptoms just got a hell of a lot worse, and I fell apart.

I needed to acknowledge and deal with that pain, and last session was my first acknowledgement of how it felt to have my life ripped apart. Does it matter whether it is PTSD related, I needed to grieve the loss of my life as I knew it, so I could move on from believing I would get that back. My T suggested that it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me as I finally have started living my life instead of existing, because I refused to accept the abuse had ever affected me. I was so far in denial and avoidance of my past and in avoidance of people, that it needed to come out.

 

[Bedbug]

@Echo. I am trying to reclaim some aspects of my history. I am selecting pieces of my shattered self to use in building a new self. There are things I am proud of, things I may always have achieved or which I may have achieved only because I was the person the abuse created. Nonetheless, they are mine. I cannot put myself back together, but I can use some of the pieces. Thank you. I don't think I had fully realised that. And thank you for the compliment. :)

Sometimes I would ask myself - is it worth it to digging and make peace to understand what or/and where I come from or it is not worth it and go on becoming new "me".

From (just barely) on the other side, yes, it is worth it. But is also truly terrifying.

The only advice I can offer is, don't dig, don't push too hard. Let this happen at its own pace. Work on being as strong and as safe and as knowledgeable of coping mechanisms as you can for when (if) it happens. I wish you all the very best.

Do we get PTSD from the memory of recovering memories or from the memories themselves, or did we have it all the time but never acknowlege it because we are in denial ? For me I suspect it was always there,in denial, but the symptoms just got a hell of a lot worse, and I fell apart.

Interesting point. I hadn't looked at it that way. I can see that a psychiatric injury was done to me at the time and I suffered with symptoms ever since. However, I don't think they ever met the level required for a diagnosis of PTSD. I think I only developed PTSD after I recovered my memories. But, like you say, this probably doesn't matter.

I needed to grieve the loss of my life as I knew it, so I could move on from believing I would get that back.

I wonder if I am grieving the life I think I would have had if the abuse had never happened.

I finally have started living my life instead of existing, because I refused to accept the abuse had ever affected me.

I feel like a new "I" is just starting out on a life. The previous "I" was massively affected by the abuse, and as a result didn't truly live, but she has gone.

 

[PureDogs]

@Bedbug

Thank you for your tip

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you should process it, however I think you are incorrectly interpreting the DSM guidelines. Either way, process the recovery of your memories if it was that bothersome to you.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am something else now, something new.

There are things I am proud of, things I may always have achieved or which I may have achieved only because I was the person the abuse created.

Bedbug, your core self has always been there in you. It is just encrusted with trauma and fear. All of us develop "parts" of ourselves as we experience life. Sometimes these parts take us over and blend together and bitterly fight with each other and try to take over our systems in various ways. The noise and crowdedness inside is unbearable and makes us feel we have been shattered. Sometimes we are "shattered" in terms of dissociation and our behaviors. But underneath all that ugliness IS your core self, your deep self. Your deep self is not ptsd, it is not an abused child, it is not afraid, depressed, suicidal, angry, etc. (these are all parts that are obscuring your deep self). Some people have more connection to deep self than others. Our healing work is intended to help us gain access to that deep self. Our deep self is peaceful, present, compassionate, etc. It will always be there. It is inviolate. It is what is guiding you to reach out on this forum; it is what is guiding you to go to therapy; it is what is guiding you into the small pieces of self-care that you do for yourself. It is probably also what is guiding you to imagining you are something else now...consider that the "something new" you are trying to "build" is actually the deep/core self beginning to introduce it self to you.

Some days are awful and impossible, but if I keep this in mind, I see tiny bits of progress. You are a lovely person - we can tell you are on here - so don't get pulled down any further by it all.

Yes! I agree! Stay with us, @Echo. We deeply value you're presence here. I'm "holding" you with deep compassion.