Relationship Ptsd Girlfriend Broke Up With Me. Just Needing Some Hugs And A Place To Vent

[Gogogadget]

Hi all,

I'm new here and only discovered the forum after my break up, which it looks like I'm not the only one experiencing this. Only looking to vent and think it will be cathartic for me to do so, especially with a group of people that understand. I now realize I was quite naive about PTSD and its effect on the sufferer. Sure you hear about how terrible it is, but truly don't understand the magnitude of the suffering and trauma sufferers go through until you really get to know one. Even then someone such as myself will never be able to comprehend no matter how much I try. I read somewhere on this forum that PTSD is irrational so makes sense that it is difficult to rationalize the behaviors. Feel free to add input :-)

Story: My ex-girlfriend (I'm a lesbian) broke up with me three days ago. I was not expecting this to happen and it left me confused, shocked and bewildered. For the most part I was lost for words, but asked her what happened and how long she felt this way. Which before all this she was very loving and sweet. We had been dating for four months and I thought everything was fine. We'd have open communication. Sometimes have misunderstandings but then talk it through.

She broke up with me in person (which says a lot about her decency and being an all around good human being ) saying I trigger her and her ptsd. Which in my personal opinion, blaming me for her triggers and saying I trigger her ptsd sounds like she has things to work out on her own. I think it was unfair of her to say that. Am I wrong in that assessment? She said she wasn't herself as a result and felt that she has a wall up. I asked how I triggered her and she wasn't able to articulate why. She said we weren't compatible. I thought I was very understanding and would give space during our relationship. I thought I was very supportive during our time together, but maybe she saw things differently.

A few days before the break up we were having a talk and I was trying to understand her communication style. There was something I was trying to understand better so I asked it a few times in different ways, which to her it felt like I was prodding her and she also said that was something her dad would do (very traumatic childhood). I didn't know her dad did that. So I apologized and said I will be better about it. I felt really bad. Otherwise it was a great weekend. The days leading up to the break up she was quieter than usual. We were suppose to go to her friend's birthday party the day she broke up with me, so I was really looking forward to it.

About 2-3 weeks ago she had some events happen that were very triggering for her. These events brought her back to her childhood. It all happened within a week. It was a lot and I can only imagine how negatively it effected her and made her feel. I spent most of that week with her. The week after I asked if she was feeling better and she said she was. Not sure if this had any effect on her decision.

I know that I can be very codependent if I don't keep it in check; It can become very unhealthy. I learned about my codependency issues from a relationship I had a few years ago with an alcoholic, and I think I've gotten better about my codependent tendencies. Im now much more aware of my boundaries and what I'm looking for in a partner. I don't get into relationships often. I'm not one to jump from relationship to relationship. I feel like after this experience though there's still some things I need to work on and really solidify my non-negotiables.

I haven't contacted her and I don't plan to. To me it sounds like she is done and wants nothing to do with me. I also need to respect her decision. She seemed cold and shut down when she spoke with me and also mentioned that a relationship shouldn't be this hard. Which baffles me because we were open about communicating and I know we both did our best to understand one another. We listened to one another. She also said she couldn't be friends with me either, but in her last relationship she did want to be friends with her ex after they broke up. I don't understand. Im not sure how things changed so quickly and drastically. Out of left field I feel like. She rejected me and my first thought process was what could I have done better/differently. Thinking it was a me problem, but it's really not a me problem at all. I'm still upset, pissed off and deeply hurt about it, but there's not much I can do at this point. I care about her very much and think she's amazing, so it really sucks. She had many qualities I was looking for that my past girlfriends did not have. I honestly thought I would never meet someone with such qualities. So she is very dear and special to me. In the meantime I'm focusing on me. I wish I was given the opportunity and chance to work on the relationship. Feels like a rug has been pulled from underneath me. If you've read this far thank you so much! Hugs to everyone out there.

 

[Nilrath]

I definitely understand how you would feel like a rug has been pulled from underneath you.

I have done a LOT of soul searching over the past two months or so (and I've only had PTSD for 4 months, so feel free to discard my opinions), and PTSD can fundamentally change the way a person behaves or functions, even if they've had it for a long time. From my understanding, PTSD is not only a disorder that affects people to varying degrees, but the mental illness itself can change its face, especially if new trauma or powerful triggers have been uncovered.

I wouldn't take the fact that she said that you trigger her too personally, because i'm sure that she's just as frustrated by it as you are. Personally, I have let go of friendships because something about them triggered me. I'm DEFINITELY NOT saying that it's the correct thing to do, but it's just the rationale for it.

Sending hugs your way!

EDITED

 

[ChocolateHealsAll]

Gogogadget,
I am no expert, but depending on the cause of PTSD, sometimes intimacy itself can BE a trigger. This is the case for me. Sexual trauma or other trauma that involves interpersonal relationships can cause issues with trust and difficulty with closeness later in life. I have left perfectly decent, loving men because I panicked and wasn't ready to work through my own issues on that level. It was too painful.

Hope this helps. All you can do is focus on you.

 

[Gogogadget]

I definitely understand how you would feel like a rug has been pulled from underneath you.

I have done...

I definitely understand how you would feel like a rug has been pulled from underneath you.

I have done...

Thank you for your sharing your story and it's certainly not to be disregarded. Very much appreciated. Sorry you suffer from PTSD. I can only imagine what that is like. I didn't know that PTSD can also change its face. This has been a leaning experience for me and I don't regret my relationship with her at all. I'm glad to have met her and learned quite a bit during our short time together. I don't regret it at all. Which I have never said that about any of my past relationships. Even with my alcoholic ex I wouldn't say I'm glad I met her because it was tumultuous and the most unhealthy relationship I've ever had. However I learned a lot about myself and my patterns.

 

[Endure]

I don't have PTSD, but I do have abandonment issues from childhood which I've been in counseling for the last two years. I don't know what your GF was traumatized over, but maybe what I say can apply. I have a history of pushing away the people who love me the most, mainly family members which included my ex-husband. I think it's my way of protecting myself from the possibility of being abandoned again. I have also discovered the relationships I have had since my ex, I seek men who aren't 100% available to me in an attempt to protect myself. (My PTSD vet is overseas for 6 months....not available!) With these unavailable men I'm capable of loving them in an amazing way which I WISH I could do for those who have never abandoned me! I have to constantly talk myself into seeking the "right" type of relationship with someone who is available. The thought of that scares me to death! You have shown her you love her unconditionally and want to stand by her. The thought of that may scare her, so she puts up a wall to protect herself from getting hurt. That doesn't mean you should give up.

Something I also have to remind myself of while I'm dealing with my own "breakup" from my PTSD vet, is remembering the last thing he said to me was coming from an emotional state. It's hard to discern whether or not to believe what they say in that moment, or believe what they said when times were calm and good. For that reason, it's best we don't take those comments personally. I know how hard it is. The blame I put on myself sits with me everyday. I'm constantly reading his messages of love from just 2 days before our "breakup" to help me stay in a positive state and have hope for a future.

My advice is to give her space. It is something that is constantly talked about here. It's a concept I struggle with because I want him to know how much I love and support him. But...then I go back to thinking about my own personal issues and how I handle it when my loved ones reach out to me. I usually ignore them and push them away. After I've had some time, I come back, but I also DON'T want to talk about whatever the topic was that caused me to push them away. It's usually when they criticize or pressure me over something I should be doing. And I definitely don't like to talk about love and feelings with them. I SO wish I remembered this when I tried to reach out to my love. I know when he's pressured he ignores any type of relationship or my "love and support" talks.

So I say give her time and she may come back to you. When she does, do not mention anything that happened until she's willing to talk. Even if she starts talking, I would hold back on what you're feeling. When my vet first started to panic and pushed me away, he did come back the next day and apologized for pushing me away. When he told me of his panic and that he needed space, I started asking questions about what that "space" meant and what I should be doing. Just those questions freaked him out and he ran and blocked me. He then came back to me two days later with the most intense loving words he had ever spoken. I say just listen and really apply what she's saying, but wait until she is in a healthy place to talk about what you are feeling and what you need.

On a side note...thank you for sharing your story. I'm an official in a town in NC and a party delegate. You may know the topic of LGBT issues has been a hot button issue in our state. I've been spending the last few months trying to learn from that community. Hearing you share your story helps me keep an open heart and mind as our state works towards compromise. Thank you.

 

[Casey_03]

Which in my personal opinion, blaming me for her triggers and saying I trigger her ptsd sounds like she has things to work out on her own. I think it was unfair of her to say that. Am I wrong in that assessment?

I'm not sure she meant it in the sense that you are doing things to trigger her (I have no idea how the conversation went), but she may have just meant you trigger her in general. That's actually quite normal for PTSD sufferers, to be triggered by someone you are close to. It doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong, and I don't think she said it to assign blame. It sounds to me like she is just triggered by intimacy in general and maybe not ready to be in a relationship. Honestly, I have been triggered by everyone I've ever been in a relationship with, but it was never their fault.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think her saying that you trigger her PTSD was a statement of blame so much as it was a statement of truth.

What if she held that in for 10 years and it finally came out? I think most partners would be upset because that's the kind of thing they'd like to know because changes in behavior on the part of the partner can minimize the triggering.

 

[Gogogadget]

Gogogadget,
I am no expert, but depending on the cause of PTSD, sometimes intimacy itself can BE a trigger....

It definitely helps. From what I've read PTSD effects everyone differently. I was thinking that things you mentioned may have been part of her reasoning, but it's only speculation on my part and will never know. Not having a concrete answer is frustrating, but I have to accept what she told me at that moment was how she felt and truly could not elaborate on it because that really was her answer. You are correct that I need to focus on myself and that's exactly what I'm trying to do. Not easy at all. I have not contacted her. With the "decent,loving" men you left did any of them try to contact you? And if so how did that make you feel? Thank you for sharing your story with me.

 

[Gogogadget]

I'm not sure she meant it in the sense that you are doing things to trigger her (I have no idea how th...

Thank you for your input. I think as humans we prefer things to be black and white, and so when things are in the grey area it can be maddening. So not having a clear cut answer that I can understand does make it difficult. But I realize the more I try to analyze the more upset it makes me because there really is no rationalizing it. In your experience have you left someone because you were triggered (you said you've been triggered in your relationships) and eventually regretted that decision?

 

[Gogogadget]

I don't think her saying that you trigger her PTSD was a statement of blame so much as it was a s...

I agree that it's better to know now then to find out years down the line. And yes it was a statement of truth from her, but difficult for someone like me to understand. I accept her truth as difficult as it is. I have to otherwise for me it can become unhealthy because of codependency issues I can have. For my own mental and emotional well being I have to accept it and respect her decision. The feeling of blame comes from a place of hurt- that was my immediate reaction because I took it personally. We both had valid feelings in this relationship. However I do realize now that it truly is not about me, but it is a difficult concept to wrap one's head around.