M
Maliginity
Sick and tired of being the victim, the charity case, the cast out, the reject. Doctors have literally shaken their heads and looked down on me far to many times. I'M DONE ! Its like no matter what I do nothing right.
Okay so hello everyone thanks so much for reading... brace yourself;
It all started when I found out my mom was really my grandma. I felt like someone had just punched my 6 year old self in the stomach. Not long after I met my biological mother she was beautiful young perfect everything I always wanted to be. She lived on a island about a 30 min boat ride away so my grams packed me up for the summer and dropped me off! When I got there I saw that not only was there this beautiful perfect little blond girl that was apparently my sister but some old guy my mothers "boy friend" now husband, that kept smacking our buts and making weird jokes and to me that was not normal I grew up with my religious grandmother who always said weird things I need to watch out for and make sure too tell her right away like "strange men touching me".
Anyways a week went by and I was sick of this weird guy always trying to play with me and talk to me and getting me to sit on his lap ect. I just didn't want to and he kept forcing me to "play". He didn't like touch me that I know of, but he's creepy and to this day all the kids in the family are scared of him.
Regardless that week I called kids help line said that he was creepy that I didn't know this lady claiming to be my mom etc. The police came to the house and put me in emergency foster care. My grandparents came in the morning to pick me up and of course it got heated with my grandparents and my mom they got all my stuff and took me home. Then I didn't see my mother until my little sisters birthday, every year she would throw her party at McDonalds cause the island they lived on didn't allow fast food or even 24hr stores. Conveniently we where born the same month so my mom saw me at my little sister b-days once a year.
My sister and i grew close online on Nexopia and Neopets all those old sites. I was 11 at this point my sister was 9. Anyways we got into a fight and exchanged name calling in the end she had cried to our mother and my extremely young mom being herself decides to jump on facebook and tell me how much of a mistake I was. Then she went ahead and told me how my father was murder in jail and that I'd never meet him and that no one cared for him because he was a drug dealer and a male escort. Naturally me being a hormonal 11 year old with abandonment issues that night I tried to commit suicide for the first time. 3 stitches a lot of nasty charcoal and some jello later & I was on my way back home (Grandparents can talk their way out of everything).
After a year of counseling and meds, my grandparents confirmed what my mother said about my father was true. I lost it. I was 12 knowing every word too every marlin manson song ever written don't ask ...and I was the life of every party. Rowdy confident looked so much older then I was. Things just didn't faze me I suppressed and moved on. People loved me wanted to be my friend everyone at school knew my name. I wasn't in any clicks, I started clicks. I had every genera of friend, literally I was popular for being me.
Then I started stealing cartons of smokes from my grandparents and selling them to my older peers. Shortly after lost my Virginity to a complete jerk he was 15 at the time. After it happened he asked for some more smokes and said I had to leave. I was devastated, started smoking marijuana, regularly skipping school, convincing friends to skip school, hung out at a mall all day, tried to show off for deadbeat teenage boys, got used abused, cheated on tried extacy and lsd. Then bam 13th birthday... guess who got pregnant! Then the guy left when I was 7 months!
Everyone's probably thinking oh no oh my that poor child right? Well yup you guessed it that poor child! :uckily he is happy and healthy as can be! :) 5 years old as of January! I was so blessed and lucky to have my grandparents split custody of my son with me. If it where not for them I wouldn't have him in my life today. For that no words can describe my thanks. Would I do the same for my own kids? I have no idea but that's three generations that my grandmother ALONE has raised! She is an angle.
So now your thinking OK cut to the point right?
Well now I'm currently half living off my boyfriend aka best friend, as well as income assistant. I have the option to be on persons with disability. I'd get more money and I'd be on a government program made FOR people like me. Yet I can't even leave the house its like I don't want to. The only time i go out is weekends. I have my son so every other weekend. I'll go to a park or something. Rarely do I leave the house for anything else. I get my boyfriend to do everything.
I don't get it. I can't hold a job. I can't commit to school. I can't even get out of bed. I just want to be successful for my son. I just want to happy yet I'm so lazy its like its like I'm having an internal debate with myself all the time. I deleted my facebook last year reactivated this year. Deleted everyone I know that still partied. I'm down to 67 friends and that's still a lot but even then its like I'll message people and they get back to me a month later or something. I used to party an stuff like its not like i went straight edge right after my son but the last year I have isolated myself and now I have nothing to show for it, no friends no memory nothing.
How I got a boyfriend still boggles me. Why can't I rise from the ashes like other young moms have! Why can't I work full time at McDonald or 711? Why don't I care?? Am I going insane? Why do I emotionally abuse myself and put myself down? How can I freely live on income assistance with no guilt like this? I know I'm capable. I know I'm an adult and I know I sound like an idiot asking strangers if I'm insane. How do I know if I'm really feeling emotions? I could be convinced I'm feeling when really I'm psychotic. I don't even no I care but I don't. Its like I don't care at all but I know I'm supposed to care so that pretend guilt comes and then here I am playing victim when I'm victimizing myself! Ugh I'm selfish and alone and I don't no how to change! I want to be happy I want to work I want to support myself. I want change. I want answers. I want a life. I want what everyone else wants.
I'm losing the will to go on. I'm out of fight. I'm out of energy and now I'm running out of time too. I'm so alone I'm so alone.
Please bare with me. I can't handle it anymore.
Okay so hello everyone thanks so much for reading... brace yourself;
It all started when I found out my mom was really my grandma. I felt like someone had just punched my 6 year old self in the stomach. Not long after I met my biological mother she was beautiful young perfect everything I always wanted to be. She lived on a island about a 30 min boat ride away so my grams packed me up for the summer and dropped me off! When I got there I saw that not only was there this beautiful perfect little blond girl that was apparently my sister but some old guy my mothers "boy friend" now husband, that kept smacking our buts and making weird jokes and to me that was not normal I grew up with my religious grandmother who always said weird things I need to watch out for and make sure too tell her right away like "strange men touching me".
Anyways a week went by and I was sick of this weird guy always trying to play with me and talk to me and getting me to sit on his lap ect. I just didn't want to and he kept forcing me to "play". He didn't like touch me that I know of, but he's creepy and to this day all the kids in the family are scared of him.
Regardless that week I called kids help line said that he was creepy that I didn't know this lady claiming to be my mom etc. The police came to the house and put me in emergency foster care. My grandparents came in the morning to pick me up and of course it got heated with my grandparents and my mom they got all my stuff and took me home. Then I didn't see my mother until my little sisters birthday, every year she would throw her party at McDonalds cause the island they lived on didn't allow fast food or even 24hr stores. Conveniently we where born the same month so my mom saw me at my little sister b-days once a year.
My sister and i grew close online on Nexopia and Neopets all those old sites. I was 11 at this point my sister was 9. Anyways we got into a fight and exchanged name calling in the end she had cried to our mother and my extremely young mom being herself decides to jump on facebook and tell me how much of a mistake I was. Then she went ahead and told me how my father was murder in jail and that I'd never meet him and that no one cared for him because he was a drug dealer and a male escort. Naturally me being a hormonal 11 year old with abandonment issues that night I tried to commit suicide for the first time. 3 stitches a lot of nasty charcoal and some jello later & I was on my way back home (Grandparents can talk their way out of everything).
After a year of counseling and meds, my grandparents confirmed what my mother said about my father was true. I lost it. I was 12 knowing every word too every marlin manson song ever written don't ask ...and I was the life of every party. Rowdy confident looked so much older then I was. Things just didn't faze me I suppressed and moved on. People loved me wanted to be my friend everyone at school knew my name. I wasn't in any clicks, I started clicks. I had every genera of friend, literally I was popular for being me.
Then I started stealing cartons of smokes from my grandparents and selling them to my older peers. Shortly after lost my Virginity to a complete jerk he was 15 at the time. After it happened he asked for some more smokes and said I had to leave. I was devastated, started smoking marijuana, regularly skipping school, convincing friends to skip school, hung out at a mall all day, tried to show off for deadbeat teenage boys, got used abused, cheated on tried extacy and lsd. Then bam 13th birthday... guess who got pregnant! Then the guy left when I was 7 months!
Everyone's probably thinking oh no oh my that poor child right? Well yup you guessed it that poor child! :uckily he is happy and healthy as can be! :) 5 years old as of January! I was so blessed and lucky to have my grandparents split custody of my son with me. If it where not for them I wouldn't have him in my life today. For that no words can describe my thanks. Would I do the same for my own kids? I have no idea but that's three generations that my grandmother ALONE has raised! She is an angle.
So now your thinking OK cut to the point right?
Well now I'm currently half living off my boyfriend aka best friend, as well as income assistant. I have the option to be on persons with disability. I'd get more money and I'd be on a government program made FOR people like me. Yet I can't even leave the house its like I don't want to. The only time i go out is weekends. I have my son so every other weekend. I'll go to a park or something. Rarely do I leave the house for anything else. I get my boyfriend to do everything.
I don't get it. I can't hold a job. I can't commit to school. I can't even get out of bed. I just want to be successful for my son. I just want to happy yet I'm so lazy its like its like I'm having an internal debate with myself all the time. I deleted my facebook last year reactivated this year. Deleted everyone I know that still partied. I'm down to 67 friends and that's still a lot but even then its like I'll message people and they get back to me a month later or something. I used to party an stuff like its not like i went straight edge right after my son but the last year I have isolated myself and now I have nothing to show for it, no friends no memory nothing.
How I got a boyfriend still boggles me. Why can't I rise from the ashes like other young moms have! Why can't I work full time at McDonald or 711? Why don't I care?? Am I going insane? Why do I emotionally abuse myself and put myself down? How can I freely live on income assistance with no guilt like this? I know I'm capable. I know I'm an adult and I know I sound like an idiot asking strangers if I'm insane. How do I know if I'm really feeling emotions? I could be convinced I'm feeling when really I'm psychotic. I don't even no I care but I don't. Its like I don't care at all but I know I'm supposed to care so that pretend guilt comes and then here I am playing victim when I'm victimizing myself! Ugh I'm selfish and alone and I don't no how to change! I want to be happy I want to work I want to support myself. I want change. I want answers. I want a life. I want what everyone else wants.
I'm losing the will to go on. I'm out of fight. I'm out of energy and now I'm running out of time too. I'm so alone I'm so alone.
Please bare with me. I can't handle it anymore.
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