PTSD? I Don't Get It

[Tinyflame]

Dear Pat,

When I read your first post in so many respects I felt like "That is me!"

I do believe that a 'label is just a label', and there is certainly much information (see ptsd forms/ learning) to help you as well as the Doctors.

The fact that some people have "mentioned" it over the years to you (i.e. -that you "may/seem" to possibly have it) makes me wonder if it seems more evident "from the outside" than the "inside"- sometimes those around us can see things more easily than we can (as human beings).

I think the motto of "Take what you like (that will help) and leave the rest" can still help you in this regard. As long as the symptoms are being managed more effectively that's also on a day-to-day basis what counts. And I believe evryone can benefit from the support, understanding and knowledge of the people on this Forum if they relate.

One thing I discovered about myself in the last few months though- I didn't think I was "triggered", either - just thought that I would (suddenly and inexplicably) feel a diferent (lousy) way, usually down or anxious but rarely in a full-blown panic attack. However, as I started to pick it apart I could start to recognize certain triggers, and thankfully reduce substantially their effects on me (without avoidance). But I have found that for me it really requires a lot of brutal honesty, and it's one heck of a rollercoaster ride to gain some ground.

Irregardless, I wish for you healing, strength, hope and the start of a 'new more enjoyable life' with this 'new year'.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I don't have my shit together either and I have been diagnosed for about 14-15 yrs, and have probably had PTSD for most of my life.

It isn't easy, and it takes awhile to get it together. Then it falls apart again, and you have to pull your shit together again. It's the nature of the beast.

Don't be so hard on yourself, and be patient. I know.... Hard to have patience when you have PTSD.......

Hang in there....

 

[dust]

She Cat,

this is SOOO true, every time I think I have got a handle on things... it all falls apart again :eek:

 

[patrick]

Triggers

Thanks everybody for your support and encouragement. I think as the result of this thread I am beginning to have an insight about triggers.

During my last therapy session, my therapist gave me a worksheet that was supposed to help me identify triggers, my self talk around them, etc. I acted like I knew what she was talking about because I didn't want to look stupid, but really, I didn't have a clue. Didn't know what was meant by a trigger and what the hell it was supposed to trigger anyway. I have an appointment tomorrow, after two weeks, and haven't made a single entry on that stupid worksheet.

Now the insight. Since I started down this treatment road six weeks ago, I have taken three major nosedives where I didn't want to leave my boat or talk to anybody for three or four days at a time. I'm trying to fight my way out of the third one right now. Thinking about triggers, I suddenly came to the realization that all three of the dives started the same way. I went to see a doctor at the Veterans Hospital and was told that I need to take a new medication. Two of them for the rest of my life, and one of them for who knows how long. The third one I haven't even started taking yet because I don't want to admit I need it or deal with some fairly significant side effects. Since that insight, I am suddenly getting all these memories of experiences with doctors throughout my life, but especially during my childhood. In the last thirty years or so, I've avoided doctors unless I was injured bad enough that I knew I wouldn't heal on my own.

I've spent my whole life abusing my body and thinking I was too tough to pay a price for it. Suddenly, the chickens are coming home to roost and I don't like it. I don't want to be dependent on medications or doctors, and when I am I get hopeless and feel like life just isn't worth the trouble any more. Guess I'd better get over that shit, huh? I'm no spring chicken anymore, and the damage is done.

Good to know what a trigger is, though.

Thanks for helping me come to this realization.

Pat

 

[Vorzha]

Feeling for you Patrick! I just started meds this week, and in finally taking that step I feel like a little part of me died. That's a whole ugly world that I've been hoping against hope to avoid. I watched my childhood best-friend's personality get erased by meds, and she never came back. I've seen so many people on meds that seemed well, empty. Which is possibly better than raving, batshit insane. I think only heroes and evil masterminds cat get away with that.

It *is* damnned difficult to trust doctors, I'm with you there. Too many epic failures. I'd rather chew razor blades than see a doctor. There must be some good ones out there though, right? I hope you've found some.

That said, I know if I don't give this a try, I'll most likely not have a chance at healing. Besides, vodka is even more expensive than medication. ;) I should have been born Russian. I'll never forget the tanker trucks in Moscow full of...yeah, vodka.

(Disclaimer to All Readers: I'm not advocating drinking to self-medicate. Its just what I did when I couldn't get healtchare in any nation on the planet without 3 major credit cards, a dispensation from the Pope, 4 letters of recommendation from various statesmen, a partridge in a pear tree, and what's left of my immortal soul.)

All maunderings aside, I'll be thinking of you this week Patrick. If you feel like it, let me know how you're doing with it all.

 

[dust]

Vorzha!

you just made my day! :rofl:

If only I could laugh more!

dust

 

[Cindy]

the learning curve:

No matter where you are in the process there is always more to learn. I've been dealing with diagnosed PTSD for several years now and I still get blind sided. Just a month ago I had a serious trigger and lost it for a full week. It took me a full week to even recognize my over reactions and emotional turbulence was due to a trigger. Once I recognized the trigger and put together what I was associating it to it ALL made sense. I almost immediately de-escalated and began to regroup.

I will not begin to discuss your diagnosis as accurate or not. But if you feel it is inaccurate persue with the professionals why they gave you that diagnosis? What do they see or recognize as a qualifying criteria.

Always ask questions! When you don't understand the terminology they use such as 'trigger' I recommend that you ask or you limit what you can process of the conversation. It is NOT being stupid or weak! It's learning. Everyone starts at a beginning at all ages. I started guitar lessons a few years ago (what a trip that was), I played in the end of the year recital after 3 months. At least I could play DO,RE, MI. Yeah, I felt stupid, but we all start somewhere and every guitar player has played that song at some point.

I hope all went well for you today. Now I know Tuesday is D-Day for you.

Cindy

 

[patrick]

Thanks everybody. I guess after my group and individual therapy sessions today, I'm ready to re-admit that, yeah, I've got PTSD. People's symptoms are so different that when I'm not wanting to admit I have a disorder it's easy to find examples of why I'm different. So seeing doctors is a trigger for me. What I tell myself, especially when I'm told I have a chronic physical condition that needs medication, is too embarrassing to admit, even here. I think just going to the veterans hospital gets me going some, too. It's an awful lot like a military hospital, and the first time I went I almost lost it.

I have two more appointments at the VA hospital this week. One with a shrink to monitor my anti-depressant and another one for a class on a hideous blood thinner that I absolutely do not want to take. My therapist helped me recognize the damaging self-talk, how it isn't logical, and things I can say to myself instead. I guess this is cognitive behavioral therapy. I suppose I'll find out soon enough how I do on it. I told my therapist, "Oh great, here's another thing I can beat the shit out of myself for when I don't get it perfect in a week." She said I could have two weeks if I needed it. :rolleyes:

 

[kers]

What I tell myself, especially when I'm told I have a chronic physical condition that needs medication, is too embarrassing to admit, even here.

Oh, I so get this. My self-talk is often wretched, too. My counselor has voiced his opinion that only half my problem is the actual PTSD--the other half is how ashamed I am of it.

Give yourself lots of slack, if you can. It takes a while to relearn positive self-talk. The fact that you can finally identify and acknowledge a trigger is a Big Deal! That's progress. Now you can start finding ways to cope with it.

 

[upsidedowntopsyturvy]

Hi Pat,
Hang in there! At least you found someone to TREAT you! That's awesome that you now have the chance to really CHANGE your life for the better.
I'd almost give my SOUL for medication to stop the depression, sweating and dreams at night, and the emotional and physical pain I deal with every single second of every day.
I ran away from real life once by holing up on a little island north of you, and I feel such a PULL to run back there again. I can't. I know it's NOT what is going to HELP me, but I wish I had the nerve to go once more and just REST there. This isn't the time for me to rest..it's the time for me to do exactly what you're doing...get help.
I'm here for you, if you just wanna talk.
Hang in there, Pat. You're WORTH it!

 

[patrick]

Kers,

It does feel like sort of a big deal to understand the concept of a trigger, and to know what one of my big ones is. And it looks like it will take a while to re-learn positive self-talk. Yesterday my therapist helped me come up with some positive alternatives that I could say to myslef when I'm triggered. I've been trying, but what I've been telling myself when I use the positive alternative is, "Oh...now you're lying to yourself on top of everything else." Pretty amazing how the mind, at least my mind, can resist getting better. :think:

 

[cragger65]

Patrick, I almost had to chuckle reading your last post. This was (and still is) my biggest issue trying to change my thoughts. "I'm just making stuff up now" rather than acknowledging "the truth".

Everytime my T would try to counter my negativity about myself, I would automatically think either, A) she feels sorry for me and is just lying to make me feel better, or B) she's afraid I might kill myself and she doesn't wan to "lose one".

But now, FINALLY, I am beginning to see how unfair I am to myself. I wouldn't say it's gone, but it has lessened from getting a sledge hammer in the guts, to a "hmmm, I'm going to put that thought on hold for a minute" which is progress.

Go on the assumption if you can that SOMETHING, eventually, will give. For some people, lightning strikes and they "see". For me, it's work but I know it's worth it.