PTSD? I Don't Get It

[patrick]

Cindy,

I like it that you are keeping tabs on me. Your water analogy is a beautiful one. When I went into my first therapy session I thought it would take two, maybe three sessions, max. I would have an epiphany, say eureka, and begin a new life in the warm sunshine. A quick trip in a strong, smooth current, with little effort required. Nobody told me that Niagra Falls was at the end of that current, and me without a barrel. Well, that's not completely true; I had done some reading. I am beginning to think I may survive the first falls, but am feeling stunned at the length of the river ahead of me, how many tributaries it might have, how unsure I am of it's route, and what future perils might be in store. And if I'm not mistaken, I started out going downstream, and now it's all upstream. What's up with that? I do hope the source of the river is worth the journey.

 

[Cindy]

The source is from within each of us.

For me the source is a clear mountain spring in a meadow full of wild daisies and black eyed susans. A clear blue day around 75 with a slight breeze, full of sun. The steady babble of the water on the rocks. Deer grazing. Tall pine trees. A safe cloister buried among nature. Where are spirits and souls are free to absorb the energy of the day. Where the outside world is distant, we are safe and at peace with who we are and where we have been.

 

[patrick]

Here I go, dragging this tired old thread out again. I really do plan to start a diary some day. Don't know for sure why I keep stalling.

Had individual and group therapy today. In the individual, my therapist told my that my 57 year old man is going to have to learn to forgive and accept the 18 year old boy who was sent to Vietnam and was so scared he didn't know what to do. Brought tears to my eyes, and it's been a while since that happened. Gonna be hard to do.

Group therapy was a total bust. Bunch of old guys sitting around talking about how awful it was and how bad they've been treated by the VA, the government, and the world in general. Like a bunch of Rodney Dangerfields, but not funny. Not one word about what's happening now and what anybody is doing about that. I'm gonna go in there next week and kick over a couple of chairs and see if anything can happen that will be useful. If not I'll quit going. It's shit like this that has made me hate to even be around Vietnam Vets.

And no goldarnit, I don't have a stinking anger problem - if anybody wants to discuss it we can step out in the fornicating alley.

 

[Luthien]

I like how you ended with some humour. You have a good sense of humour from what I've seen so far on here. it's a good thing, and will help you in the future. What your therapist told you is true. You have to learn to forgive, and to do that you'll have to accept it, and the feelings that are still hidden in there.

The group therapy doesn't sound productive, but it's worth a shot to give it a go again, maybe you can help all of them to open up.

Oh, one more thing. I know why you haven't started a diary...because it is scary as hell, and so friggin hard. Give yourself time, and don't try to rush.

Keep using this thread and others, and don't feel like you're abusing it. it is here for precisely this purpose, and we'll be here for you as much as well all can be,

take care.

 

[Cindy]

I like your attitude Patrick!

It's great you recognized the group is mired in their what if and they should pit. They are placing the blame or a good share of it on anyone else but not accepting their part of the game. Unlike you, who is accepting that shit happens and then you move on the best way you can. That attitude is so powerful to healing. You are looking outward of a way to better your life and yourself. You are not mired in self pity or blame ( well except for yourself :().

A good question to ponder and reflect on for group is to list or recognize the things that you have done in your life since Viet Nam. I know there is good and bad. But you speak of your son :). If you really think about it, the impact you have had in this world, the paths of others you have crossed in your lifetime and how you have connected and disconnected with others. And even though ultimately things didn't work out there was good at some point. Even though I had an abusive marriage the beginning wasn't.

Therapy does touch upon some real painful ideas and emotions at times. But it is better to have them in the open than buried deep inside eating us up whether we recognize them or not.

Cindy

 

[cragger65]

Sounds like in group they've made up their minds already that life stinks. I know I bitch some myself, but if that's all they're offering, bale.

I see a lot of promise in what your T had to say. I feel like the 43 yo. me still has to forgive the 42 yo. me! ;P

 

[jennifer0506]

You can never moan on here too long, that is one thing i have learnt here. The people here understand and care.

Good luck to you, as lame as that may sound.

 

[fin]

"For me the source is a clear mountain spring in a meadow full of wild daisies and black eyed susans. A clear blue day around 75 with a slight breeze, full of sun. The steady babble of the water on the rocks. Deer grazing. Tall pine trees. A safe cloister buried among nature. Where are spirits and souls are free to absorb the energy of the day. Where the outside world is distant, we are safe and at peace with who we are and where we have been."

I was reading your other posts Cindy leading up to this and as I read this I could feel just peace,soothing, calming me...perhaps the others leading to it as well.

just beautiful and a perfect calm thankyou from me...I found when I was with the EMDR spec. that there were trees Cyprus I think or maybe Birch out the window in the distance and at some points I found myself able to self soothe seeing this view. They just moved slightly in the breeze and coupled with my spec.'s words it was almost hypnotic, just a calm and a trust that it would be ok...reading your words there reminded me of those few CBT sessions where she was doing the ground work for treatment.
Thankyou Cindy

"mired in self-pity and blame"...this frightens me as maybe in all my ranting this week I found myself going down this hole...not so much with the blame as I have always blamed myself...and have been finding it impossible to think that I couldnt have deserved what happened to me in every way. But this week I think some part that wanted to freak out and rant and stomp- FINALLY got to do a little of it...because Heaven help me if I had ever done it before now.

I have heard that group therapy every now and again can get into an outward looking blame thought process...but it has less to do perhaps that individuals are blaming everyone else and more that frustration and thinking "everything should be alright by now".
Because perhaps the professionals are seen as those "in the know", as all powerfull and having the answers, so why arent they showing them quicker?...But that could be completely wrong I dont know.

For me the source is a clear mountain spring in a meadow full of wild daisies and black eyed susans. A clear blue day around 75 with a slight breeze, full of sun. The steady babble of the water on the rocks. Deer grazing. Tall pine trees. A safe cloister buried among nature. Where are spirits and souls are free to absorb the energy of the day. Where the outside world is distant, we are safe and at peace with who we are and where we have been.

I have neverr seen any thing like this but I can imagine it...thankyou
fin

 

[Cindy]

Your welcome Fin and anyone else who benefits!

I want to comment on a perception(?) that you may have. No therapist worth his salt should tell you 'the answers'. They will lead you there to discover the answer, or clarify your distorted thinking, identify irrational expectations but frustratingly there are no short cuts where they will simply tell you 'right'. There job is to teach us to identify and learn thinking patterns that are healthy. To catch ourselves in old unhealthy patterns and begin to self correct.

My illustration, for two years I went to marriage counselling with my ex. After our seperation the T admitted he knew it was doomed but had to wait for me to see it. Can you imagine the frustration he must of felt waiting for niave nelly to come around while being abused to boot. What a trip.

Thankfully the straw did break the camels back with out any permanent physical damage just permanent mental damage (maybe?).

Cindy

 

[patrick]

Thanks Everybody,

Cindy, you do have a knack for painting soothing pictures and metaphors that work. Somebody might almost think you were a teacher or something.

I feel very fortunate with the therapist I see for individual therapy. She seems to have narrowed right in on the issues that are hindering me the most. She is at the same time always accepting and challenging. And she seems more than capable of leading me to understanding. Next time I'm supposed to bring a picture of me as a little kid, and one from when I was in the army. Don't know what the hell that's about. I wouldn't have had those pictures, except that my mom died last October and I got a ton of old pictures. Don't know where I'm going with this. Just feeling grateful for having a safe haven to go to every week. And even though she wants these stupid old pictures, I trust that some good will come from it.

Now if I only felt a little better about the guy who is leading the group therapy. Don't know what's gonna happen with that, but I'll go another time and see.

 

[cragger65]

Your T sounds amazing, and the picture request is intriguing. An aid to connect to the younger you? I'm happy for you Patrick, sounds like good things happening.

 

[fin]

Patrick
I am sorry if I caused any confusion with what I wrote...I have been having trouble with some words and concentration etc (I have said about the word thing and I am not offering that up as an excuse and I am sorry that I gave the wrong impression).
Cindy :
"I want to comment on a perception(?) that you may have. No therapist worth his salt should tell you 'the answers'"
I really wasnt trying to say that a therapist would or should ever give a "client" the answers. That is not and has never been my perception.

I am really sorry if that was what it sounded like. And reading it back I can see that that was what I had written I had heard and I find it frightening to think of it and also the description that we had of the group.


Patrick:
"I feel very fortunate with the therapist I see for individual therapy. She seems to have narrowed right in on the issues that are hindering me the most. She is at the same time always accepting and challenging. And she seems more than capable of leading me to understanding"

*This is wonderfully put, and you put what I was trying to refer to about group therapy in a nut shell.
I hope that you can feel better about the group therapist and that he has the insight (the "answers" if you will) to be able to channel the group as is needed for them to be able to move forward also.

Because I would really hope that a therapist would appropriately encourage rather than allow a group to stagnate and never be able to move on and progress.

The thought of the group sitting around and never moving on kind of makes me think of institutionalisation rather than rehabilitation.

I hope I have expressed myself better and clarified where I stand...to an extent (rather timidly and rather tiredly)
night
~fin