Ptsd is causing my relationship issues

[chipmunk2714]

I experienced 11 years of severe domestic violence and was brought close to death a few times. I have since left my then husband and started a new relationship with a man who is the complete opposite of what I am used to.

My new boyfriend and I have been together over a year and half. We are currently buying a home together. And although it sounds like everything is great it isn’t. I keep causing more issues.

I am always freaking out on him asking if he really loves me, and finding it hard to trust him, even though he has never given me any reason not to trust him. Part of me has the logical thinking and find it very crazy how I am. If we go a few hours without really speaking I find my mind wandering if he is loosing interest in me. And I am always freaking out over stupid things like if he hasn’t texted me as soon as he takes break or lunch at work. I am always fighting with my mind to convince myself he isn’t cheating.

This man has made it clear that i am beautiful and that he finds me to be funny and smart and that he loves me and wants me for the rest of his life. But I still question it. I have tried to explain it all to him how I have low self esteem from my abuse and how I’m trying to work on me. And why I seem so crazy but although he tries to be supportive as he can and is really good at pulling me back to what’s real, he doesn’t completely understand the extents of my anxiety and ptsd.

All I know is me fussing and blowing up on him when my mind gets the best of me and I lash out on him saying he doesn’t care or is loosing interest is really causing problems. He has began to stress. I don’t want to bring him down. I even find myself fussing if he doesn’t want to have sex more than twice a week. I feel like if I don’t he is going to find someone else and he doesn’t even have the desire to have sex very often and said that a relationship isn’t based off sex. That there is more to it than that.

And part of me understands but the ptsd always steps in and makes my mind go crazy. My body goes completely numb, to the point I can’t speak. I get cold sweats. My muscles tense and joints lock and draw up. I get to where I can’t breathe. I start to feel sick and I shake severely. I always bawl like a baby and the only thing that has even helped the least little bit is when he grabs my hand and puts it over his heart.

He convinced me to lay on his chest. Listening to his heart beat while he slowly plays with my hair is all that has ever pulled me back out of it. None of the medicine I’ve been on completely helps. I even lost my job Bc the attacks would come on at work and interfere with my ability to do my job. I guess all I’m asking is if anyone can give me advice!

 

[somerandomguy]

OK, everything that you're describing is completely to be expected considering what you've been through.

Are you currently in therapy?

 

[chipmunk2714]

OK, everything that you're describing is completely to be expected considering what you've been th...

Actually no I am not in therapy. I am just on medication for the severe anxiety.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm sorry that you went through what you did. We have a pretty large number of DV survivors here on the forums. I'm a DV survivor too, and I've tried the medication route without therapy. The only thing that I can tell you that worked for me is therapy. That's it - just therapy. So that being said, I would urge you to see if you can find a qualified trauma therapist. Unfortunately, this isn't something you can expect to improve without working on it.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think if you want to save your relationship and heal your ptsd, therapy is a must. Medication alone will never fix ptsd issues.

 

[chipmunk2714]

I haven’t had insurance in a while so therapy wasn’t an option but my insurance comes effective on May 1st. I live in a very rural area and there isn’t many therapist in this area, plenty of counselors for children or people who have been instituted but not like me. I have had a nervous break down which started all these episodes as I call them. My dr originally thought I had developed seizures but after changing drs my new dr says it’s a form of ptsd. I go back to him in a couple weeks. He asked that I bring my current boyfriend with me. That he would be an outside source to say his opinion on the medication and further treatment. Not so much as he has a say but he thinks I would be more comfortable with him around. My dr says that my logic thinking makes my case wild to him Bc I can see both sides of it but I can not control it. When I left my ex husband I lost everything, house, car, most of my stuff. The judge actually ruled that he gain all that. I left with my kids and a couple bags of our clothes. I’m having to completely start over. Although I’m happier now, I’m still fighting the aftermath of what I’ve been through. I won’t go far by myself. Mainly the grocery store and post office is all. My boyfriend has to go with me anywhere else I go Bc I don’t feel safe without him.