trying to discuss my relationship

[Defaultxlove]

hello I am okay just wanna discuss how or if to be with someone that

1. has a hard time believing my character is authentic (this drains me)
2. says stuff akin to "yeah right) when I say heartfelt things

for a little more background this person is super sweet caring and authentic and has been used and abused.

thanks for any insight
also has this happened to you? how did it end?

it has happened to me before with someone else and it ended badly.

 

[Teasel]

I think I'd find it really hard to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't see me as I am. I mean I've done it. But it was f*cking awful honestly.

How do you feel when you are around them?

 

[arfie]

hmmmmm. . . i am not sure i know what you mean, but my thoughts are circling around the phase where i was realigning my expectations of what i expected of other people. i often held passionate expectations of all my relationships, from friends to co-workers to lovers to the by-products of our love (children). when i am able to let go of my expectations, i can forgive them for being authentically themselves and going elsewhere to meet my own needs they cannot fulfill.

dunno if i am barking up the wrong tree, but thought i'd share.

steadying support while you sort.

 

[scout86]

has a hard time believing my character is authentic

Does the other person see this as a problem? I can understand that someone who has been lied to etc might have a hard time with trust. If that lying came in the form of someone doing a super good job of pretending to be someone they weren't, I can see where it would be a challenge to get past it. If that person recognizes that THEY are the ones with the problem and they're willing to work on it, that's one thing. If said person thinks they're right to be suspicious and other people just need to deal with it and keep on working to meet their expectations, that's a different deal. (I'm assuming that you're being your authentic self, not gaslighting them!)

 

[Defaultxlove]

How do you feel when you are around them?

I feel the best around them and it’s been consistent. They are a real “peacekeeper” and supportive of me in ways others have never been able to see. So I know they see me.

when i am able to let go of my expectations, i can forgive them for being authentically themselves and going elsewhere to meet my own needs they cannot fulfill.

I think this still applies from a diff angle.
I can easily forgive them and laugh it off but I just don’t understand the last part here I quoted about which they cannot fulfill? Could you give me an example maybe?

Does the other person see this as a problem? I can understand that someone who has been lied to etc might have a hard time with trust. If that lying came in the form of someone doing a super good job of pretending to be someone they weren't, I can see where it would be a challenge to get past it. If that person recognizes that THEY are the ones with the problem and they're willing to work on it, that's one thing. If said person thinks they're right to be suspicious and other people just need to deal with it and keep on working to meet their expectations, that's a different deal. (I'm assuming that you're being your authentic self, not gaslighting them!)

I believe yes they understand it bothers me and they can be empathetic or even I’ve seen them have similar feelings if others didn’t believe them. It’s not I need to be believed about everything I just don’t wanna waste my time if they can’t believe I am of genuine character (idk how else to say that). Also thankfully your response puts into perspective they hardly ever have expectations on me but more of a withdrawal. And lastly yes someone else went to great lengths to deceive them :/

 

[momwhotries]

Sounds like he has self doubt, deals with internalized toxic shame as a result of the trauma.

It can be hard, because essentially all this is seen through a lense that is this heavy self directed shame, that at times is projected unto others. Not like narcissists (not meant to harm, not meant to deflect or manipulate) but because they had a small otherwise healthy characteristic turn into a large overpowering force which they see themselves through.

Therapy can help with this for him.

So I stress that he can be helped, but he has to choose a route that *is help*, and this is his path meaning he will have to almost uncharacteristically choose to see past that filter if you choose to discuss this with him. Anyone who chooses to discuss this with him may be seen as "shaming him even more so then usual".

I say this because its very hard to get someone like this to see *convo that means I care about us/our relationship* as "non shaming*, when he already sees things through eyes that say *people are shaming me*, period. It can also turn serious conversations, into convos between you and this *wall of shame*, instead of *the him that you love*.

Yes you can become this ideal partner, learn non violent communication, take meds yourself so you don't act triggered/get reactive, follow rules for communication by those who specialize in attachment theory but ultimately this *issue of his*, will make it all be seen through that filter, and that filter is so heavy- it becomes like a self fulfilling prophecy for those who don't go get help for it(on his end and side).

It doesn't make him a bad person but it's super hard because it becomes a relationship with that, "wall of shame ", rather then the person you loved.

 

[arfie]

the last part here I quoted about which they cannot fulfill? Could you give me an example maybe?

let me give it a try. . .

if i expect you to give me a million dollars, just 'cause i'm so cute, you are unlikely to fulfill my expectations.

if i expect my best friend to drop everything and help me through a flashback episode i shouldn't ship her off to the toxic people landfill for the crime of not being available.

i get more out of life when i keep my expectations realistic.

 

[Defaultxlove]

okay @arfie yes that makes sense. Im not sure if I am being realistic or not. I know I make a lot of room for their situation and reality. but at the end of the day as said in original post I do not want to waste my time giving energy to someone that simply cannot believe I am real when it matters most.

but the fact that hes so understanding really helps. because we can just turn the page and not fight about anything and try again almost effortlessly which I appreciate

as in try a conversation again

 

[Friday]

1. has a hard time believing my character is authentic (this drains me)

People who not only don’t SEE me, but misread what they do see? I’ve learned to stay away from… personally. FINE professionally, socially, whatever… but FULL STOP when it comes to personal relationships.

That lesson was haaaaard earned. And it took far, far too long, in my own life.

Are there exceptions to this rule? Yes. Summed up in almoooooost one word: family.

Why is it almost one word? Because I have a bad habit of giving a f*ck about people who also happen to be idiots. Like brain damaged puppies, I will CARE for them, but I’m not going to expect it to be a partnership, friendship, allegiance, nor any other kind of meeting-of-equals. I can LOVE/like/respect/care for both family & TOO-stupid-to-live… but my loving them doesn’t turn them into something they’re not. They’re themselves.

 

[deno]

This is a tough one because it sounds like this person genuinely cares about you, and you feel good around them, but at the same time, their inability to fully trust or believe in your authenticity is slowly wearing you down. That kind of doubt—especially when it’s directed at who you are—can be exhausting, even if it’s not meant to hurt you. It’s like you’re constantly having to prove something that shouldn’t need proving.

The real question is: Can they work through this, and do they want to?

If they recognize their struggle with trust and want to work on it—whether that’s through therapy, self-reflection, or even just being open to hearing you out—that’s one thing. But if they’re stuck in this cycle where you’re the one who has to carry all the weight, that’s another. You can’t spend forever convincing someone you’re real. That’s not love; that’s a test you’ll never stop taking.

You’ve been down this road before, and it ended badly. That’s worth paying attention to. But also, this person isn’t the last one, and maybe there’s a different outcome here...if they’re willing to work through it.

Maybe it’s worth a conversation that lays it out simply:
"I know you’ve been hurt, and I get why trust is hard. But when you question whether I’m real, it makes me feel unseen. I don’t want to be another person who has to prove something to you...I just want to be with you."

That way, it’s not about their past or placing blame—it’s about how you feel. And if they can hear that and want to do better, maybe there’s something here. If not… you have to ask yourself how long you’re willing to stand in front of someone who still isn’t sure if they believe in you.

 

[Defaultxlove]

Thank you everyone this discussion is really helping I have a lot to think about

 

[Nairobi]

Recently I had an experience with this trust stuff
My friend was sharing a flat with me but was not able to speak to me and he said that he didnt trust on me (or anybody) anymore. That made me feel very sad, because he had any reason and I was helping him a lot. He was not able to trust on me even for very small and stupid things, like tell me where he was going (he was going to shopping, to the gym or things like that, anything special)
Suddenly there was a change in his situation (he finally found a job and moved to another city), and he changed a lot from one day to another. One day he was not able to say anything to me and the week after, he was telling me everything, all his plans, and was trusting in me again. I didnt do nothing. No change in me or our relationship. It was all about him, and the change in HIS situation
So maybe is not something about you, maybe he is not able to trust in anybody in this moment, and maybe this is not forever and he can change