Relationship trying to discuss my relationship

[Defaultxlove]

Okay now they expressed wanting space but keep calling me

I’m good at leaving people alone not gonna force anyone in my life

Last time he asked why I was taking space I said because I like myswlf (they knew how I felt and asked me not to leave them alone)

So idk I need help w this because it’s really hard on me

 

[Defaultxlove]

a couple friends are tired of it for me and said it’s unfair to me
Knowing the psychology behind it and that he’s like regressed to a child like state and confiding in me I keep answering

 

[GrumpyCat]

a couple friends are tired of it for me and said it’s unfair to me
Knowing the psychology behind it and that he’s like regressed to a child like state and confiding in me I keep answering

Ok, coming in late here, but here’s my two cents. My apologies if I missed anything in earlier parts of the thread.

First off, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this. It’s not easy navigating relationships when trauma is in the room on either side. I’ve been in a similar spot, and yeah… it ended badly for me too. The hardest part was constantly feeling like my sincerity was being questioned, like I was being seen through the lens of someone else’s past hurt. That wore me down emotionally. I get what you mean by “draining.”

When someone has been abused, their nervous system is primed to expect betrayal. So when they meet someone genuinely kind, it can feel unbelievable to them. That disbelief is not necessarily about you. It is about their survival wiring. But it still hurts. And it is not sustainable unless they are actively working on healing and choosing to trust you, even when it is difficult.

You are not wrong for wanting to be believed. And it is okay to say, “I understand why you doubt people, but I can’t be in a relationship where I am treated like I am lying when I’m not.”

Just curious, are they open to therapy or doing healing work? I did not see that mentioned in the thread. Because without that, it is really tough. I honestly do not know if there is a healthy path forward unless they are willing to do the work.

You are not alone. And no, you are not crazy for feeling worn out by this.

 

[Defaultxlove]

Thank you @GrumpyCat yes they are pro therapy and healing I will need to re read this and I’m sorry you can relate

 

[Defaultxlove]

Ugh! Now I’m angry. But not enough apparently because I understand they are triggered and even in a child like state (from the way they were talking last night)

I took a very long nap like 3 hours and they had wanted to FaceTime

Now I’m blocked again
We’ve already discussed it makes me sad and they do understand but clearly can’t quite help it ? Am I stupid?

I’m divorced busy tired and really need peace

Recap when I took space. They expressed clear unhappiness and were polite “please don’t leave me alone”

Then talked about space for a while and I expressed huh? Maybe not a good idea? Then more cals texts and wanting to see me but now blocked

I know it’s one of those things nobody can tell me what to do but if anyone wants to I will listen

Like practically advice for either me or the relationship

I know it’s not the time or at least believe it’s not the time to focus on building our relationship necessarily if that makes sense

 

[GrumpyCat]

Ugh! Now I’m angry. But not enough apparently because I understand they are triggered and even in a child like state (from the way they were talking last night)

I took a very long nap like 3 hours and they had wanted to FaceTime

Now I’m blocked again
We’ve already discussed it makes me sad and they do understand but clearly can’t quite help it ? Am I stupid?

I’m divorced busy tired and really need peace

Recap when I took space. They expressed clear unhappiness and were polite “please don’t leave me alone”

Then talked about space for a while and I expressed huh? Maybe not a good idea? Then more cals texts and wanting to see me but now blocked

I know it’s one of those things nobody can tell me what to do but if anyone wants to I will listen

Like practically advice for either me or the relationship

I know it’s not the time or at least believe it’s not the time to focus on building our relationship necessarily if that makes sense

Thanks for sharing this.

You are not stupid, you are human. Trying to care for someone who is hurting while also holding on to your own peace is one of the hardest tightropes to walk.

It sounds like you’re dealing with someone who is triggered and reacting from a place of fear or abandonment. That does not make their behavior okay, but it helps explain it. Being blocked after a nap, even after clear communication, is not just painful, it is destabilizing. Especially when you are doing your best to stay kind, calm, and present.

You are allowed to be tired. You are allowed to need peace. And it is okay if that means stepping away, even if it makes them unhappy. You cannot be the one holding all the emotional weight.

I think you already know this relationship is not in a healthy place. You said it yourself. Maybe it is not the right time, and maybe it is not the right person. That is not a failure. That is discernment.

I hear you. You are not alone in this.

 

[Defaultxlove]

Thank you @GrumpyCat that helps a lot

I don’t know if the future will change things they called after I wrote that post

They said something about revisiting certain things next week and I said

I am not pressuring you. I thanked them for all the help they’ve given me and said love you and it was a peaceful ending to the call

 

[nursenurse]

They seem to be letting you out and reeling you back in. You are tired. You want peace. This will never be it in the short term for sure, and I highly doubt it will be it in the long term. I feel you are being manipulated emotionally. Your person does not sound like they are in a good enough place to be relationship material. Cut your losses and enjoy your personal peace. Just my opinion of course….

 

[Defaultxlove]

Thanks @nursenurse it does help. I think it’s important I listen to everyone’s perspectives

Ultimately they said they will get therapy and they listen to my help as far as trauma goes but there are some external factors out of their control

I believe that’s where the comments “I know other people have better situations right now…” as to protect me before I get more upset. But I don’t need to let the whole connection go (just venting at this point) I just need to not have my boat tipped.

Being blocked after a nap, even after clear communication, is not just painful, it is destabilizing

This made me cry :/ so I need to listen to myself and ppl helping

Idk why when I get shut down it’s so hard to hear and I’m shut down about my own trauma this week too

 

[deno]

You’re brave for still believing in connection. What you’re experiencing isn’t because you’re weak or naive, its human. You believe in people and that's not a flaw, but a strength.

But here’s something I’ve learned (the hard way) - you can love someone and still walk away. You can understand their pain and still protect your peace. You can hope they get better and still not be at your expense. The blocking/unblocking, calling after asking for space, needing reassurance then pulling away—this isn’t love. It’s trauma speaking through them. You don’t have to answer every call from someone else’s wounds. You have your own healing to do, and it begins with peace, not confusion.

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for ourselves is stop explaining who we are to someone determined not to believe us. It sounds like you already know this isn’t the time to build. Trust that knowing. Trust your gut! It sounds you’re just tired of being the only one holding the relationship together. You deserve more than that.

 

[GrumpyCat]

This made me cry :/ so I need to listen to myself and ppl helping

Idk why when I get shut down it’s so hard to hear and I’m shut down about my own trauma this week too

You need to listen to yourself. You need to take care of yourself. You need to nurture yourself. Nothing external to you changes any of the truth of that. No matter what happens.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You have to take an honest look at yourself and ask the question “do I have the emotional bandwidth and patience for a relationship like this?” It is perfectly fine not to want that, and it’s just as fine to decide to try.

A few tips from a supporter…take it for what you will.

When people are triggered/stressed they are in survival mode. They cannot consider your needs or feelings at that time. If you have a trauma history yourself then you know what that is like. It doesn’t make them a bad person, it just is what it is. The question is can you accept this when your partner is symptomatic?

You also cannot take things personally. Did they actually say they do not think your character is authentic? Or is it a feeling you get because they have a hard time trusting or believe somebody can genuinely care about them? Trust is hard won with sufferers. Actions speak louder than words, so you have to gain trust over time. The question is are you willing/able to wait this out?

Lastly, sufferers tend to make their supporters the “designated asshole” or look for faults or flaws. It’s survival mode again. They’re trying to protect themselves from future hurt, and a lot of times things will get projected onto you. The question is are you willing to tolerate it?

You also have to decide if you can be in a relationship where both of you may be symptomatic at the same time.

Being a supporting partner in a PTSD relationship is about the least romantic thing ever. A lot of cold reality goes into it.