Ptsd Is Killing Me.

[Buck Compton]

It has been 6 years since i was an active duty combat Infantrymen deployed to OIF2. I joined the Army after 911 to do "something different" and to "make my family proud" to get money for college (which i have never attended). Thinking the Army would be "fun" and "like a video game", i wanted a job where i wouldn't sit around all the time, so my local recruiter convinced me that the infantry was the job for me. I remember feeling like i made a HUGE mistake the second I stepped off the bus at basic training, and from that moment until the moment i received my DD214 i hated every second of my military experience. In retrospect however i cannot say that it was all bad, some of the things that i now realize are good for me were: the friends i made, the growing up i did, the money i made, some of the places i saw, some of the pride it brought me.

However, the negative effects that my service to this "great nation" have brought me are overwhelming. After i was let free from the bonds of my service, i was having trouble sleeping, and had a poor overall mood, and could not enjoy the things i used 2, Alcohol and Marijuana were my best friends.. I would sit in my apartment and watch old war movies, do drugs, build relationships with people that would end up going nowhere, and hurt everyone around me with my words and actions, My family became very distant toward me, and i toward them. After reluctantly seeking help from the mental health professionals at my local VAMC i was diagnosed with PTSD that i was in severe denial about for a long time, and since then i have had a pluthra of diagnoses that i do not agree with (except panic disorder), and that i know are false, either do to false reporting on my part, or to the negligence of mental health practitioners.

The words of the Meatloaf song "life is a lemon" come to mind, I feel like i will never get better.. Why the heck didn't i see this coming?? Why the heck didn't i just quit while i had the chance? I cant get the thoughts of the people i saw wounded, or dead out of my mind, or the feeling that i am going to die at a young age. Every time i go out in public (not often) i feel like i am in danger of something, though i know i am not. Sentimental emotions seem to be distant for me, Love, compassion, kindness, all seem to be distant memories to me.. The only time i can cry now is when someone probes me about the guilt i feel toward my war time experiences, or when my therapist probes me about traumatic events that i have suffered through. I have done SO much reading about PTSD and i know that my case is very "typical", and if this is the case then why the heck do i confuse so many doctors? Why the hell wont this f*cking thing go away??? No one seems to fully understand what i am going through, my family, my friends, no one... i feel so alone and sub human it is unreal... sometimes the depression and anxiety are so thick that i don't even want to exist anymore, thoughts such as "non existence would be better than this existence" find their way into my head and rest there uncomfortably causing me extreme anxiety, depression, and hypochondria.. it seems to be a never ending cycle of bullshit that i cant escape from.

My girlfriend is pregnant now with my first child, (her third). My fears are now steering toward my potential inability to be a loving father, or to feel compassion for a young child... i know that if this occurs i will feel like a total monster... i am really at my ropes end..

i wish i never saw the things i did, i used to love horror movies and video games, but now they all remind me of traumatic things that i witnessed as a younger man... i cant enjoy anything anymore and the quality of my life is getting worse than i ever thought it could.. it has come to the point where i have 0 friends now, and my girlfriend is the only person who i spend any time with.. i am so alone and in pain.. but i wont give up, i cannot do that to my unborn baby.. but my god the depression is palpable, Medication doesnt help, talking about it does... but there is a shortage of folks who will listen, or folks who will not judge me.. and if you have made it this far in my statement than i thank you for listening.. please talk to me, give me words of encouragement, tell me that its going to be ok... tell me anything..

here are some of the traumas that i experienced.. (constant danger in a war zone, explosions near me, seeing wounded and dead people, seeing children dying, being shot at, having friends die)

 

[amethist]

Hi Richard

Welcome to the forum

You will find a lot of support and understanding here, also take a look at the Combat PTSD forum. You will find the link to that at the bottom of this reply.

I have deleted your poll as it is not necessary, and they do have a section of their own.

Good luck and take care.

Amethist

 

[Buck Compton]

Thank you for your reply and guidance within the forum, sorry about the poll.. I'm not really sure what a "poll" is, this is my first experience with forums like this online..

 

[amethist]

Maybe check out the 3 links below to start with Richard. You can learn as you go, but a bit of help and info won't harm

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/forums/video-tutorials.93/[/DLMURL]

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/why-grammar-punctuation-and-spelling-rules-exist-video.10054/[/DLMURL]

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/why-grammar-punctuation-and-spelling-rules-exist-video.10054/[/DLMURL]

Amethist

 

[Buck Compton]

Thank you, will do :)

 

[amethist]

Maybe start with the "Quoting posts" one first. Which should have been included above.

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/use-of-the-quoting-reply-feature.15746/[/DLMURL]

 

[MurphyJB]

Hey Richard.
I'm sorry you're going through such hell.
Hopefully this place will give you an outlet.
These are some of the least judgmental and understanding people I've ever met.
Welcome.

MJ

 

[Buck Compton]

Thanks MJ,
it means a lot to know that people finally know what i am going through who aren't paid professionals
im really starting to feel welcome at this place :)

 

[becvan]

Welcome to the forum Richard. Life can get better, although it's so very hard to see when in the thick of symptoms. There is a ton of information and stories on here that you will relate to.

bec

 

[anthony]

Hey Richard, welcome to the forum mate.

In retrospect however i cannot say that it was all bad, some of the things that i now realize are good for me were: the friends i made, the growing up i did, the money i made, some of the places i saw, some of the pride it brought me.

Positives are the best thing for you right now, and going forward. You will seriously need them in order to reshape the negatives you carry.

My girlfriend is pregnant now with my first child, (her third). My fears are now steering toward my potential inability to be a loving father, or to feel compassion for a young child... i know that if this occurs i will feel like a total monster... i am really at my ropes end..

Congratulations... and whilst you have fears of being a father, it also seems you have something to look forward too a great deal, from interpreting your words. Children are stressful, yet wonderful, all at the same time.

Medication doesnt help, talking about it does... but there is a shortage of folks who will listen, or folks who will not judge me.. and if you have made it this far in my statement than i thank you for listening.. please talk to me, give me words of encouragement, tell me that its going to be ok... tell me anything..

You can talk all you want here mate, that is the idea of the forum. When its in your head, write it down here and get it out... atleast then you aren't trying to ignore or suppress things, feelings... getting them out helps a little.

here are some of the traumas that i experienced.. (constant danger in a war zone, explosions near me, seeing wounded and dead people, seeing children dying, being shot at, having friends die)

I hear you... experienced all the same things. I also followed the very same pattern you are currently within, and 8 years on since my diagnosis, life is a hell of a lot better. The best thing is, you are actively out learning for yourself, which is great. Learning is a massive part of the process, because without first understanding the problem, you can't implement a thing to rectify it. Well done, and please keep it up.

Here is the thing. Don't create more anxiety for yourself by trying to over-do the learning and healing aspect of PTSD, just accept it is a process, and one that will take you a good 6 - 12 months to really wrap your head around and obtain significant results. Then it takes another good 2 years to fine tune your life after that, ie. really nailing a lot of the smaller stuff, that creates much of the bigger problems, ie. anger outbursts, pushing people away, etc.

All takes time, but here you are... so you have started the process. Learn first... nut things out with people here... put it out there, and see what you can get back to assist yourself. Just take it slow, target specific areas of concern piece by piece, and if it takes you a month or two to nail a huge issue, that is a huge issue now out of the way. Focus on your positives, however small or large, you will need them to carry you through... though be reassured, if you put yourself into healing trauma and getting back into life, you will reward yourself in the coming years as a result. There is no set time frame... and combat trauma is one of the hardest to work through, but it can be done. I did it, others have done it, you can also do it.

Keep up the great work you have started, and keep educating yourself, keep applying the knowledge to your specific problems, and you will come out the other end of this successfully.

 

[Ron]

Hi Richard, it's a pleasure to meet you. I can definately relate to some of the things you are going through. You tell it the way it is and I admire that. Welcome to the forum. This is a healing place.

 

[Buck Compton]

I must say thank you to all of you who read what i am going through.. the feeling of being alone in my trauma was overwhelming, and your responses have helped alleviate some of that feeling and that is amazing. I have to admit, its hard to come to this forum and speak though, I have been keeping these feelings inside for so long that it is such a change of pace to speak about it so openly. I know i am doing the right thing however, because it is a feeling of relief i get every time i log on here.. war sux!! why cant people find another way to settle their differences??

this website, and the combat ptsd website in particular has helped me greatly in the last two days.. especially the video "You're Not In The Forces Now". That video really helped me make sense of what the Army drilled into my head, in a way i have never really heard before. I only wish some of my buddies who are doing worse than me would log on here and get help as well..

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. ~George McGovern