Ah, I see @brat17 , and no, no offence of course! Nor am I a saint! I was under the impression the grass cutting was very rigorous, etc. I think I gave a bit of an inaccurate impression: I have an Irish/ Hungarian temper, and was raised by parents more egalitarian than any I have ever seen, before the term was even used in the popular vernacular. And you just said it Brat, 'authentic'. I never saw manipulation. Love, fights, reconciliation, hard conversations, great passion, great support and loyalty, but no head games. For myself, a partner who wasn't 'all in', would leave me feeling 'all out'. And for myself, I would never have fit the mold of a 'domestic Goddess' or Soccer Mom, I would have gone crazy with today's version (or a 1950's version), for sure. And never fit the mold required, or the protracted pace and (oftentimes disingenuous but 'required') public persona one often needs to have to go with a flow one doesn't enjoy. I need to live, I cannot act.
But I also learned things like this: my mom was a fabulous cook, I couldn't believe she learned from scratch. She said, "Oh your dad was always cute, he'd always be encouraging even if I burn't the food (or whatever)". But she also said, "If he had been the type to whine or complain, I would have said cook it yourself!", and she meant it. I could also imagine it flying towards the wall, though she wasn't into dramatics. But I know all of the sentiment would have been there to want to, if that was the response. (A guy I was dating, I said it was cool he could cook, she said "Good he won't starve then" :laugh: ) . But usually, if both were home, whoever was home 1st made sure there was something for the other. Not obligation, but rather consideration, love and common sense. And putting the other person first. But both of them did.
But I did not mean coddle- I meant mutual love and respect. Caring for the well being of each other. Part of what drew you together from the start, or at least seemed more valued than now?
Is it also possible @brat17 , that he has too little to do, or has too much? And by that I mean, when you have little or what you have is all you've got, and it's a h*ll of a fight to keep it, one usually values it a lot more. It is not so easy to replace. (And that applies to possessions, but people, too).
I don't think you are a bitch. But I hope you can find a way to meet your needs, where you don't need to feel unloved, angry or resentful in the process. Because they aren't synonymous with having joy or enjoyment. Being direct, maybe it's time to have a conversation about how you feel? Resentment is indirect, and won't bring either of you any closer, or closer to a solution, I would think? JMHO of course. But this is your H, your lover, your partner, your friend, the father of your kids. It's a leap to go all in, but either way affects what follows.
But I also learned things like this: my mom was a fabulous cook, I couldn't believe she learned from scratch. She said, "Oh your dad was always cute, he'd always be encouraging even if I burn't the food (or whatever)". But she also said, "If he had been the type to whine or complain, I would have said cook it yourself!", and she meant it. I could also imagine it flying towards the wall, though she wasn't into dramatics. But I know all of the sentiment would have been there to want to, if that was the response. (A guy I was dating, I said it was cool he could cook, she said "Good he won't starve then" :laugh: ) . But usually, if both were home, whoever was home 1st made sure there was something for the other. Not obligation, but rather consideration, love and common sense. And putting the other person first. But both of them did.
Sounds like you naturally would be exhausted. (Never mind- I used to say a guy wants to make love> The biggest turn on is helping with the housework- who feels like making out when you're exhausted and after hours of scrubbing and cleaning? :) ), this is never going to happen. Maybe its because I am so tired or maybe Im too much of a feminist, or maybe just a Bitch. lol It only takes about 30 minutes to cut the grass and when he comes in and Ive got dinner going for him (which I don't want and don't prefer) and have a basket of laundry that I am folding or am finishing vacuuming, I just cant beat around the bush and coddle him
But I did not mean coddle- I meant mutual love and respect. Caring for the well being of each other. Part of what drew you together from the start, or at least seemed more valued than now?
Then why are you conceding to not follow your agreement together? That is your boundary, your limit. Can you revisit and negotiate from there?The deal was that he had to pitch in around here and that I wasn't carrying the load alone (especially since I would rather be in a small place than this big house). He can go lay on his bed if he wants...he washes his own bedding when he feels he needs it.There are 7 bedrooms in this house and 5 bathrooms.
Is it also possible @brat17 , that he has too little to do, or has too much? And by that I mean, when you have little or what you have is all you've got, and it's a h*ll of a fight to keep it, one usually values it a lot more. It is not so easy to replace. (And that applies to possessions, but people, too).
And if it feels like that @brat17 , don't do it. Because I'm meaning the opposite, that it comes from a place of appreciation, value, empathy. It is exactly the opposite, because it doesn't involve 'getting something'. Unless the 'something' is making what is difficult easier for your partner. I mean, the goal is to have the dirty feet and body off the couch, right? (Which is why I say, if it were your only couch and no new one on the horizon, it might be handled with more care, by him as well. )I also have a traumatic brain injury and this has forced to be more direct and avoid manipulation to get what I want. Telling how good he did, giving him water, and putting a blanket down feels like "manipulating" him.
I don't think you are a bitch. But I hope you can find a way to meet your needs, where you don't need to feel unloved, angry or resentful in the process. Because they aren't synonymous with having joy or enjoyment. Being direct, maybe it's time to have a conversation about how you feel? Resentment is indirect, and won't bring either of you any closer, or closer to a solution, I would think? JMHO of course. But this is your H, your lover, your partner, your friend, the father of your kids. It's a leap to go all in, but either way affects what follows.
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