Hi
@brat17 , I know you've had lots of good feedback, but I hope you don't mind if I add something, though I fear it might not be well received because it's inward-focused, not outwards, and a bit of a different perspective. But 'passive-aggressive' caught my eye. This is JMHO as it applies/ has applied to myself, and my experiences, so I say it humbly, having raised many puppies; having ptsd; thinking someone must be passive-aggressive by their behaviours (surely?), and respecting relationships, and individual persons.
He left this morning for a week long trip with the guys. Im good with that. He was aware that I am doing some serious painting and stripping of wallpaper.. Its a big job but our house needs it, and he usually sits while I work and that pissed me off so its a good time since her will be gone for a week..
We have a new puppy who is 14 weeks old ( got him at 8 weeks. He sent me a couple messages today, asking how the pup is. Not how I am, not how by paining is coming. ( I painted from noon til 2 am. I took many breaks for the pup.Pup had been a little sad being gated part of the day, but all of a sudden he had diahria all over the house. Ive been cleaning it up for house
As others have said, puppies are like babies- will eat anything; may have a bacteria like enterobacter (especially if not kept rigorously clean); may even be affected by the paint fumes, unless it only preceded it. But they are fragile and sensitive.
Not a doubt in my mind that he fed him something at 5 am before he left. Im not a treat with ptsd so I feel like I have to accept it. Any thoughts.
He may very well have- and love the puppy (as you said).
A loved one who lived with me used to do this- I would get so angry, and frustrated, and at my wit's end. I thought this (and other behaviours) were a sign of passive-aggressiveness. I was so wrong. I treated them so unfairly, albeit out of ignorance, but it was so wrong it was shameful. They had their reasons for doing what they did, which weren't explained by my thoughts about it, and their history. Additionally in their case they also had ADHD- with a strong emphasis on the 'H', too- which I knew but had no idea what that 'meant'. (And also in fact thought it surely couldn't apply to me because they were 'really' hyper, therefore I could not have ADHD- they did, as I knew they did. I, and almost all of my family just had just 'more energy' than 'the norm', but 'she' was 'hyperactive'). It was only in learning (and it was after they died) what it meant as how it impacted their memory, impulse control, etc, that I realized how wrong I was, why some behaviours occurred as they did, and also how grossly alone, under-valued and misunderstood she must have felt. Not to mention how forgiving she was- to have had to deal with that ignorance from me. So the warning is, if it doesn't entirely 'fit'- it's my experience that 'judgement'- and it is judgement- isn't always accurate. (My loved one, like the puppy she was fragile and sensitive too. But buried it.)
It is also picking out probably the most negative alternative explanation one could choose: that the behaviour is 100% willful, harmful, and intentional to cause harm. (And there perhaps goes: + ptsd = unsafety = 'boom'. :( ) As
@Sideways said:
It’s interesting to me that puppy having the runs (totally normal for young puppies) instantly makes you question your partner and whether he had something to do with it. Because, not only is puppy having the runs reeeally normal, it suggests that there’s really really mammoth trust issues going on for you here.
If someone came to me at work with “my puppy has the runs”, even just wondering if the pup was deliberately misfed would be a long long way down the list of likely causes. That speaks to the trust issues here for you, and just how front and centre they still are for you maybe...?
And here come the trust issues. But also I say this kindly and rigorously against myself- those issues are (my) own. Not across the board, but definitely when feeling unsafe (which in turn is fed by my own body/ mind).
You say the break away is good; maybe like me you are fearful avoidant (or dismissive avoidant, with anxiety, I don't know the difference for myself really, as both apply in turn?). Maybe he doesn't bring up painting because he forgot (truly), or because he feels guilty you're doing it, but relieved because he hates it? Maybe he thinks you are happy to do the painting, and if not, have you communicated why not? Maybe he finds it hard to get started? Maybe you feel resentful he's left you to (choose?) to paint? Etc etc. No one likes to always get all the 'crappy' jobs- but for one person one job is better/ more likable or less 'dislikable', or one part of the job is. Or you can do it together to get it done faster to do something you both like more together. Or out of love. And to remember to recognize what they do that you don't have to do (understandable to not think of that, when feeling negative, or neglected, or ambivalent, or angry, or self-pity. Including hating the limits ptsd imposes, or how it tries to suck out energy, happiness, peace of mind). And to have gratitude for what you can do, and what they do, and for them. And for the relationship.
What I mean is, and say this about myself and emphasize ptsd- I can be a lot of work. I 'am' a lot of work, to understand. People in general and relationships are a lot of work. Ptsd heightens (for me) unsafety, mistrust, confusion. F.E.A.R. Loss. Frustration. But, it is my responsibility to take responsibility for how what I do, or say, (or believe- my internal climate), affects how others feel, and too how they will respond in kind. Because it is very hard for another person (or one's self) to be treated with an underlying current of mistrust, or assumed negativity or what-have-you. Which doesn't mean you're not entitled to what you feel- but how can anything be resolved or even clarified without open-minded/ open-hearted speaking/ living/ thinking? You have 33 years together, but maybe there is lots to learn about each other! (In a good way! :) ) Plus, there is always something knew you never knew.
I hope your pup gets turned around (if necessary to get them to the vet, and make sure you can get water in them- dehydration with a puppy is extremely dangerous), your painting looks marvelous, and you rejoice in the beauty and your accomplishment, and you reconnect with your H and both find a more joyful way. It might even start with re-committing that you are both
choosing to make a go of it together, and maybe in ways you both enjoy more (the ways you both feel more safe and loved). What does he need? What do you need? You both need safety and unconditional positive self-and-other regard. You have ptsd. He chooses to love you. You are posting here to try to love him back in a better way for both of you. I think that's a win-win, in my books.
Best wishes to you (and have some rest and fun too. It's been a while since you painted, the whole thing needn't be done in one week ). :hug:
