I didn't read all you wrote, so sorry if this was said.
As someone who's been through rape...when your boundaries intimately have been broken in such a major way, it's kind of hard to figure out what feels good for you after that. You kind of want to be all whole and healthy and able to let someone in completely; but if you actually manage to open up so much, it can be great for a moment, because you're on the "new relationship" high...but then it can feel vulnerable and intrusive, letting someone be so close to you long term. Even if you chose it. It can be hard to sustain if you haven't gotten okay enough. There is a lot of trial and error in it involved. Intimacy is really hard if you have been through something like this. Feels like trusting someone with your ...everything, when you barely survived whoever else broke your trust the first time.
So you want to believe that you can be you again. You have to believe that, or else how can you live?
So you take chances, you try to be open...but if you happen to meet someone compatible early on(and by early...I mean early in the time of dealing with things, regardless of when the incident occured) then you may be excited enough to get close fast. You may dive head first fast(because your idea of intimacy is distorted or because simply some people are fast in those things)....but then you have to live with someone. You have to let them in completely, but yet find a way not to feel overpowered. You have to be a couple, without losing your identity, which is already hard to do with PTSD because your life is ruled by things you don't always control. You have to allow someone to help you. You have to allow someone to see the darkest, ugliest parts of you and still let him be in your life. Parts of you, that you yourself may not be ready to deal with. And then there is the intimacy in physical way, which can push all sorts of triggers that you didn't know you still had. ...
Ugh. I'm sorry to say this but I think it's over over as well. If you push more you'll just cause more damage to her recovery. May be you guys had something, but it was too fast. And the way she is acting now, it's unlikely she'll let you in again. If she does, it will take months or years, so either way you have to live your life. If she returns she does, but don't wait. I had a lot of relationship failures in trying to recover. Most relationship didn't stick, and if they had I wouldn't have taken it well, I think. My last relationship only stuck because things between us were like you said exactly, that fast...but also, we knew each other for months before starting to date. We talked every day for hours in those months, without the pressure of dating. And still I started out head strong, dove deep, let him in....and still warned him that I'm not at a great place yet. That he'll forget me in a month and all sorts of stuff. I'm lucky we are still together years later, but I never thought we can really make it, and despite anything he said I didn't manage to get used to the fact that he loved me that way for quite a while.
