Relationship Ptsd Relationship Problems

[Briggslee]

Hi All,

Last October, my boyfriend (who has PTSD) and I decided to get a Netflix Account. My boyfriend stayed at home most of the time while I was at school. I had been having a great semester. I was getting really good grades in my classes, and I thought everything was going pretty good with our relationship.

In December, I discovered that my boyfriend had been searching for Unrated movies with naked women in them via our Netflix account. He swore up and down that it wasn't him that was watching them. He blamed his uncle who had stayed a few nights at our house. He also told me that he had "accidentally" clicked on some of the titles.

Upon further investigation, I discovered that this had been going on since October when we got Netflix. I confronted him about it, but he still swore that it wasn't him.

Then one day I was taking a nap in our room. My boyfriend was home. When I woke up, I went to my computer to find a YouTube video I had recently watched and discovered that my boyfriend had searched for "naked women" on YouTube. This is when reality really set in. I knew he had been lying to me about everything.

After enough prodding, he eventually told me that he did everything. It was all him. He agreed to stop watching anything related to pornography. I, myself, cried for many nights. I felt betrayed. I felt abandoned. I felt like I wasn't good enough for him anymore. We'd been dating for about a year and half, and now this.

It's been seven months since the incident, but last week I found out he had watched another movie on Netflix containing nude women and lesbians. I know he didn't go looking for it this time, but he didn't turn it off either. It's like he doesn't care about my feelings. He knew it would upset me. I packed all my stuff in my car and left. I stayed at my mom's house that night, but we hung out the next day. I began staying the night at his house, but refused to sleep in the same bed as him.

After a couple weeks, I moved back in with my boyfriend. He swears he will never watch anything like that again. It's really a deal breaker for me. I feel that if he really loves me and cares about me, he should be willing to give me his heart and his eyes!

I installed a porn blocker on our computer, and I got rid of Netflix entirely. I'm hoping this will solve the issue.

I would like to know if watching porn has anything to do with his PTSD because he will not give me a reason for watching it. I asked him if he was bored with our sex life, and he said no. I asked him if he still thought I was attractive, and he said yes. (I'm 20 years old, 5'7", and 135 lbs. I am not overweight. I consider myself attractive. Or at least I did!) I really would like some honest answers here. I've heard the old-age saying "Boys will be boys." I've heard that watching porn is just something men do, but I don't believe it for a second. Please give me some advice. Should I ask my boyfriend to see a counselor? He says he doesn't have an addiction to porn. Does watching it have something to do with his PTSD? Commitment issues? Anything?

Best Regards,

Dani

 

[amethist]

Hi Dani

Watching porn has nothing to do with PTSD at all it his just him wanting to watch it. So to me there is no way he can tell you it has anything to do with his PTSD. Just like men who cheat, that also has nothing to do with PTSD.

A lot of men watch porn and see nothing wrong with it, and a lot of men don't watch it because they don't want to.

To me if my husband did this it would be a deal breaker, but I know he would rather look at a fancy motorbike than other naked women.

I hope you can put an end to it if it upsets you. I know it would upset me.

Amethist

 

[mnt10barbie]

Well Dani, I also am an attractive female (5'6", 120 lbs, blonde hair, blue eyes) my husband is very nice looking as well and he tends to watch porn sometimes. It has nothing to do with you personally and you can NEVER be compared to those girls!! You are real and respectable and the one he loves!!!

I'm the one that has PTSD and believe it or not I have extreme jealousy issues I'm working through!!!! However, the porn does not bother me in one bit... of course he doesn't watch it in front of me but he is honest and says he does tend to indulge every once in a while. The reason it doesn't bother me is because it's not real and when it comes down to it where are they going with it??

My husband says it has nothing to do with me as his wife and he was honest about it... I never caught him, it was one of the things we talked about in our great conversations prior to getting married. I ask no more about it, have no idea the last time he watched anything and never worry about it. I wouldn't worry too much about it... the women aren't real, he probably would never be seen with somebody who did that type of thing and he loves YOU!!! Be confident with that...

Hope this helps a little. I feel this is very minor!!!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I moved your thread into the supporter section as it was in the wrong forum.

I am sorry he is doing that. Have you thought about therapist session together?

 

[Briggslee]

Thanks for the advice, both of you. It's helping.

I guess that there are some women who dislike porn while there are others that don't mind it. I see it a form of cheating. I also think it degrades women. I've set the boundaries, and I've done everything in my power to prevent it from happening again. I guess I should stop worrying about it and get on with my life.

I have thought of a therapist session. However, I feel that maybe I should take a step back. I love him very much and I don't want to risk pushing him away.

 

[amethist]

If you let it eat away at you it could spoil what is deep down a good relationship.

Now you have set your own boundaries with it, try and put it behind you. Don't think about looking for it, just leave it now in the past.

If it does come up again, try and talk to him explaining calmly why it upsets you.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Well, I see it differently. I know my husband watches it and it doesn't bother me. Sex is normal, wanting the release is normal. I do it too and we don't take personally because sometimes it's not possible us to have sex. So I can't expect him or us to just 'not'. I have also been under the impression that people still will go 'solo' even with healthily sex lives. Or at least I've read that in sex books. Of course just because he's going solo doesn't mean he has to watch porn...

It is your choice however about what you are comfortable with. Your in the relationship to each other.

 

[Briggslee]

I guess the other thing that kind of upsets me is not just the fact that he was watching porn, but the fact that he then lied to me about it when I confronted him. Now it has also become a trust issue. If he's lied to me before, who's to say that he won't lie to me again? Did he lie to me because he was ashamed of it? Honestly, I'm not sure if he understands how much it upsets me.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Why would therapy take you a step back?

Yes lying about it wasn't the best move on his part. I can see how that would cause trust issues.

 

[Briggslee]

I think he is annoyed by the amount of confrontation he's been receiving from me. It has come to the point where he says things such as "not this again" or "I thought we moved on".

 

[stuff]

I've never really had any issue with partners watching porn. They watched it, I watch it myself sometimes, sometimes we would watch it together. I never considered it a betrayal. I guess everyone feels differently about it.

Maybe he didn't know you felt that way? Had you discussed your views about it previously? It might have been hard for him to admit to it, if he was surprised by your reaction to it. I know I will attempt to avoid any sort of emotional confrontation in person, because it triggers me and as a kid sometimes an admission of fault
would lead to worse things.

 

[mnt10barbie]

I think he definately was ashamed but it's normal for some people and I think he knew how you would react... Put it behind you, like Briggslee said.. Don't look for it!!! If you love him you have to be opened and honest if you want the relationship to progress. Initially he didn't admit it , probably of fear as to how you would react but came clean in the end which means he cares.

As far as being degrading... you aren't the one making the porns and these women chose that path, who are we to judge? It's a job for them. Although your standards of a job may be higher porn will never go away. I would rather have my husband watch a porn then live out his fantasies with a real live woman. Make sense?? We all look, some people just feel the need to look farther and with that said.. I feel porn is a pretty good answer.

Hope I explained my feelings well and it helps a little. Don't push a good guy away over something that isn't real... you will regret it in the future!!!