Relationship Ptsd Relationship Problems

[Briggslee]

I don't think I had discussed my views of it, but he had told me previously that he didn't like to do that kind of stuff. He told me stories about guys that watched it when he was in the army. Of course if you didn't watch it with them, they called you gay.

Honestly, this is the first time I've had to deal with a boyfriend that watches porn. I definitely do not watch porn, but I've had people tell me to try watching porn with him. I fear that will only make it more okay. Plus, I have no desire to watch porn at all and the only porn he watches is lesbian porn. I think that bothers me even more.

I am at home most of the time. I've only been gone for a few hours a day over the last couple years. It began with him watching it while I was away at school, but then as I stated earlier I found out he watched it while I was sleeping in the very next room. If he wanted sex, all he had to do was wake me up. He chose those other women over me, and I don't think that's okay.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

porn he watches is lesbian porn. .

Well, I am bisexual and I can tell you that lesbian porn is usually pretty fake and aimed at men. Don't think that uncommon. I would think for heterosexual men it might be hard to watch porn with men in it.

I also sometimes find having sex difficult with my partner. I can't summon the feeling, don't want to handle his emotions. I wish I could explain that better.

I don't think it's personal. It's an escape.

But again, these are just opinions and it all comes down to what YOU are comfortable with. :)

 

[mnt10barbie]

That's a normal feeling but please don't take it personally and if you are uncomfortable then don't watch, it will only make things worse. My advice is to give him his space and don't worry (as hard as that may be) it gets easier and also shows you are very secure in your relationship with him!!! Don't bring it up anymore. He didn't choose another woman over you, it's a screen. Maybe it is his release from the past, maybe it's his time he needs alone.

I hope you all can come to an agreement and have a happy and healthy relationship!!! Good Luck!!!!

 

[mnt10barbie]

There you go two opinions from 2 different women, one bisexual and one not. Two different views on your subject... What more could you want?? That's why I love this site, you get so much support from so many different kinds of people but its truly amazing how similar we are in so many ways!!!!

 

[Briggslee]

Screen or not, it is another woman. I do not feel the need to look at other men, and I think he would be equally pissed off to find out that I had been watching porn.

Sex is something that is supposed to be shared between the two of us. Nobody else should be involved.

I plan to give him space. I'm going to try to forget about it.

 

[mnt10barbie]

Good job trying to forget AND he may actually realize how deeply this bothers you and respect your feelings and make some changes in his choice of what he watches!! That's another point we haven't touched upon.

You may not feel the need to look at other men, however, they do exist.. There is nothing wrong with looking, now making it very obvious and intentionally being caught looking by the other person and showing interest is wrong. I'm not looking for anyone else and I love my gorgeous husband, to me he can never be replaced but who doesn't look?? You sound like me with my jealousy issues and this conversation is helping me a lot... reading my own words and true feeling is unbelievable.. I hope I helped you as much as you helped me... I think we both need to be more secure... me more with actual women when we go out and you with the porn thing... Lets both try and see where it goes!!!

My husband gets hit on constantly. Wears his ring, takes me everywhere. He is a bodybuilder and has a French accent women love. Not to mention he was quite the ladies man before I met him!! But he said I changed his life and he loves me.. of course he still notices other women... there are plenty out there but if I have to live my life worrying every day, do I have a life? NO and I'm realizing that more and more everyday and I want to enjoy my days with him and not worry about the minor things. After being severely abused for 4 years I guess some things don't seem so bad to me and I'm slowly understanding.

Trust me, I share your belief that sex is something between the two of you!!! I feel the same way, however, I don't view a man watching porn as having sex with somebody else!!!

 

[a3a2]

Sounds like an addiction to me. One for which he needs help, but one for which he will not get help unless he recognizes it as a problem. Stick to your boundaries.

 

[Wounded-Healing]

Dear Briggslee, I'd have to say that I think you are being given a lot of bad advice here. It does not matter at all if the other people have a problem with their partner watching porn or not. YOU DO! This is not a place where none should be trying to talk you into abandoning your convictions. Porn is not a natural occupation for men! Not all men watch porn! It doesn't matter how it works in other people's relationships, it only matters how it works in yours.

You're also dealing with more than a guy who just watches porn from time to time when you haven't had sex for a while. Masturbation and porn don't have to go hand n hand! What you have here is a partner who is engaged in a continuous activity that you feel is unconscionable and that you believe is a form of emotional cheating. Not only that, but he's doing it a lot, it sounds like, but he is lying to your face about it and then breaking his promise to you.

Lets leave out the specific activity for a moment - watching porn - and just leave that blank. Your boyfriend is engaged in Activity X, an activity you find awful, you believe is harmful to the people involved in it, and an activity that you perceive as being intrinsically unfaithful. He is denying that he is doing this, he is blaming evidence of participation in this activity on someone else, he lies to you about his participation, upon learning of your deep distress he promises you he will not participate in it again, then repeatedly breaks this promise.

First question: is this a good relationship?

Second question: do YOU consider his participation in this activity to be indicative of a healthy person who will be an asset and support and comfort in your life in the long term?

Third question: do you believe him when he says he will stop?

Fourth question: do you think he is able to stop?

Pornography is very destructive to the long them health of a relationship. And it not a victimless industry by any means. If this is a deal breaker, again, FOR YOU, then let it break the deal. Walk away from a guy who breaks his promises, lies to you, and watches porn that you believe is a form of cheating on you.

Listen to yourself: you USED to think you were attractive. Is this the direction you want to keep heading? Do you see love and joy at the end of this path, or heartbreak and anguish? There are men who share your convictions about this. The point is to not change yourself, but find someone who believes in the same degree of fidelity as you do.

Do you know the Robert Frost poem about the fox with his foot caught in a trap? A three-legged fox walks by and tells him, "It hurts. It hurts either way." The trapped fox can stay in the trap until the hunter comes and kills him, or he can chew his foot off, escape, and heal. But either way its going to hurt.

Breaking it off is going to hurt. Staying is going to hurt. Which will ultimately hurt the least?

 

[rightkindofme]

There have been a bunch of recent studies showing that there is no such thing as porn addiction. The brain does not light up the same way it does for "addiction". Some people just have a very high sex drive.

I have been the person with a much higher sex drive. If my partner refused to let me watch porn because that took away from them I would consider that a boundary violation. I get to decide how I masturbate.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If it is bordering on compulsion/addiction then taking away the Netflix etc isn't going to solve your problem.

Think about it. Can you cure an alcoholic by simply taking away their booze? Can you cure an addict by taking away their drugs? NO! They'll always find a way to get it.

Also, you didn't initially tell him that you hated porn. It seems you came down hard on him once he was caught. If I was in a similar position, I would have lied, too! (I hate confrontation by others and criticism.) I can see why he acted the way that he did. He may have thought it was no big deal at first because you did not say you were against it. He may have been testing the waters to gauge your reaction, and when you gave none, he thought you were ok with porn. (He isn't a mind reader). Of course, this has no bearing on future actions because you later told him your feelings. Point being, if someone tells you something, next time you should perhaps vocalize that it bothers you from the get go or otherwise you're giving the message that its permissible.

If the porn thing really bothers you and he won't stop, then perhaps he isn't the right guy for you. Only you can determine if this is a deal breaker. I understand wanting to be someone's everything, but at the very least, he is going to look at others. We all do...

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I'd have to say that I think you are being given a lot of bad advice here.

I think it was made clear, at least by me, that it was just our opinions and ultimately left up to her discretion.

 

[Briggslee]

It does not matter at all if the other people have a problem with their partner watching porn or not. YOU DO! This is not a place where none should be trying to talk you into abandoning your convictions.

Thank you so much for that! I was beginning to feel like nobody understood where I was coming from, and you are right. I shouldn't abandon my convictions.

I would consider our relationship to be a good one no matter how difficult his PTSD makes it at times. I'm not sure if I believe him when he says he will stop, but I think he is definitely capable of stopping.